Thursday, December 26, 2013

The one where you drink.

The 5th Christmas

I should make anniversary chart for such events for you to give to your dead baby friend on such milestones.

Hint: each involves an increasing amount of wine.

I recently got this prompt from a support page that continues to boggle my mind:

How old would your baby be now?  What would you be buying them this year you think?

Let me rewrite that a little:

How old should your dead kid be?  Let me pour you a drink. But I'm still going to now ask you something to REALLY drag down your grief...what toys is your dead kid never gonna play with this season?  Furby?  Legos?  American Girl?  Btw, that's not wine. It's apple juice. Now dish!  Hope you're wearing waterproof mascara but we both know you're not.

That's better.

I know people think about that. Shit, I do. As I was looking at furbys I was like "hell, wonder if Joel would like that creepy shit?" & when I was looking at Blair's catwoman figure I though "shit he wouldn't exist if Joel lived and that figure wouldn't be here."

I'm a dead baby mom. I get it. I know it. I wear it proudly. Almost too proudly one might say if you interacted with me in real life and the topic came up.  But I'm tired of just being that and sometimes that's how I feel some people see me. I'm a mom of kids, including a dead one. Quite frankly, if I defined my every moment to being a dead baby mom I'd be insane.

Yes, I think about him. Wonder about him. Miss him. Question what he could have done. How he would have compared. But I can't define everything in my life back to Joel. The truth is, the death of your baby is like an evil black hole. And if you don't fight your way out, you'll be lost forever. And you have someone on this side who needs you to fight.

I've learned at work to look at positive things. Don't write about how little Johnny will decrease the times he punches his teacher. Instead, write about how little Johnny will increase his ability to avoid punching his teacher.

See?  Take that sad & turn it...unsad?

How long has it been?  How have you improved your healing in that time?

Well, thanks for asking.

It's been 4 1/2 years since Joel died. This is our 5th Christmas without him. I've been sick so I've used that as a distraction, but overall I'm still just surviving. As I've taken on as my motto...thing will work out, because they have to.

That's not failed me yet (knock on some wood for me).

If you're reading this chances are your life has sucked. I'm sorry. You'll be alright though. Because you have to be.

Knock on that wood and pour some wine.


  1. Yup - increasing amounts of wine would pretty much cover it.

    Five years this summer for me. Raising a glass to you and Joel.

    Thank you for writing here Jess x

  2. I hope you continue to deal as much as you possibly can. I miss your writing! Seeing a new entry made me happy, just to know you're doing better.



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