Friday, January 27, 2012

Cervix of steel.

Every pregnancy I've had, I've had a cervix of steel. I went almost 42 weeks with Jules & never dilated one single bit. In fact, I've never naturally dilated. I've always had medications to do it for me. With Blair, that didn't even happen since he was cut out of me.

Today was my 20 (really 19) week scan. Baybee was fine. What we could see of him, since he wasn't very into the idea of being peeked at.

I go see my doctor after. I tell him all of my non-pregnancy related problems. Then, still smiling, he tells me there was one thing he noticed that had nothing to do with the baybee. I thought this was going to be minor & not important.

"Your cervix is shorter than it should be...blah blah blah, I'm talking but you're not listening because you've just heard your baby is fine but your body might kill your baby. And I'm smiling while hoping you don't start hysterically crying like I see you're wanting to right now."

Some of that I made up, but the point is my cervix of steel is shortening, which means I'm at risk for miscarriage & preterm labor in general.

WTF cervix? Seriously?!

I smile & nod in response, while he explained what this meant, which I already knew. And more than anything, I knew this could result in a very bad ending. But things will be peachy, so says the doc, who then gives me 2 weeks worth of Crinone 8%, which is a fancy name vagina gel, & tells me to come back in 2 weeks to see if it's helped "and go from there."

OH OKAY!!!

I stand there awaiting my samples and making my next appointment still with this perky, wide eyed look on my face. If anyone said, well, anything, I was likely to cut someone. Part of me hoped the annoying nurse would pop up & demand my urine again, as I wanted to yell at her anyway. That would have just been a two birds with one stone deal.

I mean, it's nice for my cervix to catch up with the rest of me & be incompetent, but come on.

So I get my purse full of vagina gel...

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

...and go to Logans. Because when you find out you're going to need vagina gel until 36 weeks (oh did I forget to mention that I'm going to use it till then if we don't need to do anything more drastic?), you need some rolls.

I'm not sure how one really says Crinone...but I like to imagine it as "Cry None." You know, use this right & you cry none because you won't kill your baybee. As I sit at Logan's I ponder what I've done that could have made my cervix angry. I'm scared to even cough now, thinking it'll just shoot open. When people came to the table & asked how we were, I wanted to explain what I had in my purse and ask if they knew anything about vagina gel. That'd be a real help at that point. I jokingly offered to leave a box as a tip. I would have seriously considered it, but this shit isn't covered by my insurance so I've got to be greedy with it. Funny enough, the lower dosage is so if I have to continue this stuff I'll have to use what my insurance pays for & use it TWICE a day to make up for the half sized dose. Oh yeah, it just got better didn't it?

I tried for the rest of the night to convince myself things were alright. Then the baybee started dancing in my belly to Billy Joel's "Moving Out." And I could see him packing up his placenta & wanting out. Following that was "Life Goes On."

Not funny, fate. Not funny at all.

I'm convinced I'm going to end up with my cervix stitched up. Not that I want to do anything I don't have to do, I hope it's a false alarm somehow, but I'd really like the best chance possible of not going through another life altering experience. I've had this bad feeling my entire pregnancy, & honestly expected crappy news all this time. I just never thought it would be something I could truly blame my body for. On top of this, I'm now on blood pressure meds to try to help my constant headaches. Because I didn't take enough pills before anyway. And now I've got vagina gel.

And no, I have no idea why I like the phrase vagina gel. I think it sounds silly & makes it feel less serious.

Everyone is telling me, "It's fine, things will be OK!" but the last time I heard that my baby died. So as much as I joke about this situation, it really sucks. Like alot. All jokes aside, I don't think I could survive anything else happening. I'm not even sure I'd want to.

I've tried learning as much as possible in a few short hours. I've learned that this sucks. Don't google. Ever. Of course, the insert wasn't very helpful either. Like I saw this...

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

And I freaked out because I've never had a papsdjfhdshjdrkjwre smear! It took me 10 minutes to realize that was a pap smear. Doh.

And these people apparently want me to make this a romantic scene with my vagina gel.

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

I guess I'm suppose to seduce myself slightly before?

I do have a baby though. Here he is all like 'don't fuckin' stare, bitches."

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Such a foul mouth he has.

Blair's first picture with his little brother...

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

And then there was Jules...

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

We actually tried to show him different things in the pictures, but he was too busy watching The Pink Panther to care. Only when he heard, "and that's his penis" did Jules actually look over & ask where the penis was. Then he loudly announced, "Oh yes, there it is" & went right back to The Pink Panther.

Here Reid is kicking. Hopefully not my precious snowflake of a cervix...

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

And I worry he needs an exorcist to visit him in the womb...

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Baybee look mad!

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Baybee look like a baybee.

Hope he doesn't mind vagina gel.

And me? I love that I now get to play both fields this pregnancy. I have to keep him in so he won't die, but I also have to get him out before he dies. It's a balancing act with high stakes. If I could, I'd be drinking heavily right now.

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