Monday, October 17, 2011

How babies are made and other life altering discoveries.

Apparently I’m a breeder.
I’d love to argue that, but jeesh, I kinda am. I love how I say “kinda” because that makes it right. The truth is that I am. I’m a breeder. I’m trying to accept this fact. I really am.
Thankfully, I’m surrounded by total strangers who are more than happy to tell me I’m a breeder.

“…so you wanted your kids this close together?”
Yes, strange lady in the doctors office, I did. Already had small kids, why not add another now instead of later?
“Hmph! Whatever you think, Ms. Jessica!”
I’m so glad this person could totally read my deep, inner thoughts asking for her opinion that I didn’t even know I’d had.
“Was this planned?”

Planned as in I went off birth control or planned as in we had pie charts & graphs? You need to be specific.
“You know how babies are made don’t you? Hehehe”
No. Please tell me.
That sure shut up the hehehe.

“You know, they are saying on TV that if you take Zoloft you should sue because your baby will have birth defects.”
Blair doesn’t have a tail. But that’s for your medical/legal opinion, lady working the front desk answering phone calls.

I'm happy it's happening all early this time around. That just makes it more fun. And by fun, I mean more interesting stories for blogs.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Do over.

Current doctors office feels that this baybee in my belly is viable.

No bleeding or anything makes me feel better about that as well. And, for shits & giggles, all the test I've taken since have been positive.

The ultrasound on the 1st will give us the final answer, but until then I got my knocked up chick goodie bag.

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...and coupons as if I were a smoker.

I dunno.

And I've got a couple awesome boys.

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This shit better work out.

Monday, October 10, 2011

How are you celebrating Pregnancy & Infant Loss month?

I’m one of those people who go all out, so to celebrate pregnancy & infant loss month I had a dead baby.

…yeah, soak that in, peeps.

A while back I told you we decided to try to breed again.

Apparently we did.

On my cheapo test I had negatives & positives…it was back & forth in the same day, for days. I decided my batch of test just sucked, so I bought I fancy overpriced store test & peed on it.

Truth is, I had a coupon. So I saved $2. Go me!

Anyway, I peed. That little hourglass blinked. And blinked more. I figured it was going to be negative because shouldn’t positive results pop up fast?

Well, not always. Because it popped up at the 3 minute mark. Finally.

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And with that, I was safe. I told the world!

Then, hours later, I took the 2nd test in the box for shits & giggles. It took just as long, but I wasn’t worried. I’m pregnant!

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Or not.

Confused? Let’s compare.

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Still confused? Same here.

Long story short, I was directed to the evil hospital I hates lab. They would do blood test for pregnancy without a doctors order & give results within 2 hours! Much better than going to the doctor & getting blown off a week from now. So I got my exact change of $10 & set out to the lab.

I got my blood drawn like a good little solider. I even made a fucking doctors appointment because I’m pregnant, right? Right!

I called.

I’m not.

My hCg levels are barely what a positive at like 2 weeks out has to be at the minimum, like the very minimum. I should be 4 weeks. So it’s likely a chemical pregnancy. Hence the back & forth test results, chemical pregnancies are famous for that apparently. Learn something new everyday!

Of course, the real fun here is that I have to go to my doctors appointment tomorrow & they will do further blood work, but I’ll also receive my goody bag of baby things I’m sure.

Honestly, as I type this, I’m trying to convince myself things are fine. I did this convincing thing before…on the drive to get induced with Joel. He was still dead though. And I waited for him to cry after he was delivered but guess what? Dead.

Sure, there is still a chance. I’ve had friends tell me their levels are as low as mine & they have baybees now. But a bitch hasn't been that lucky before. Or even if this is a miscarriage, I can have another baybee. I sure did after Joel, so this shouldn’t be any different. But honestly? I can’t do it. I can’t see myself risking this shit again. And I’m not really sure I can survive 9 months of waiting for yet another dead baby.

My genes, body, or whatever else has failed me again. So I’m pretty sure I quit now. After whatever happens with this. As fucked as it may sound, I'm not even sad over the dead baby idea as much as I am feeling like a complete failure of being able to keep one alive.

Oh. It was nice coming into work after this & seeing my newly popped co-worker. And I can't wait until Wednesday with my class full of preggos, including the professor whose taken to rubbing her belly through class lectures.

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