Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Doing it again.

Being stupid, we’ve been talking about breeding again.

There are various reasons this is stupid. Allow me to list some.

Money.

Money.

Money.

Money.

Oh, & money.

OK, there are more specific reasons but at the end of the day it’s the money aspect. For example, our house is wee. To have more room, you need money. Kids need clothes and everything else. Money. I’m not sure if we can fit an extra baybee in our car. Need money for a new car.

So see? Money. Makes the world go around.

Of course, now that I’ve accepted that we CAN make it work by some miracle, I’m remembering how involved pregnancy after Joel was. I’ve not even thought about how scary and stressful it is, I’m talking about the ultrasounds. The doctors visits. That last trimester of weekly visits & scans. Waiting to be told your baby is dead every time. The extra blood work to make sure homocysteine levels are good. Taking an insane amount of pills, mainly folic acid, to ensure my homocysteine levels have a chance of staying good so I can avoid blood thinners. Taking MORE pills to ensure the folic acid I’m taking gets the best chance of being absorbed as possible. I took at least a dozen of these pills every night because my insurance hates me & refuses to pay for the pill that I can take ONE of a night & be everything. But since they won’t pay & I can’t pay (see, money) the $200 a month for the pills, I’m stuck with taking my own super combo of hell.

I hate taking pills. So much.

I’d, again, be the time bomb everyone is waiting to detonate. I get to be the knocked up girl who many wonder “why is she risking it again?!” Always fun.

I’d be sick. Tired. Feel like crap.

So really nothing new there.

There are times I feel like a shitty mom anyway, do I really need to add another in the mix? Nothing major there, just the tired & running late for work Jess with crying or questioning children. It’s a fun frustration that I’m sure all parents know.

Then I wonder WHY I would want to do this again. And to be honest, the most disturbing answer is this…I want to know if I can.

There are various reasons, that’s not the main one, but it does bother me that part of me wants to do it as…an experiment? I want to see that I can indeed grow and birth a living baby. I’m selfish like that.


I wrote all that a few days ago. I was full of confusion. I was full of doubt. Fear. Can’t forget the fear. But something clicked. I look at it & realize that down the road I’ll wonder what if. And I have a lifetime of what if crap to deal with for the rest of my life.

And, with that, my IUD was pulled out.

We’re gonna make a baby.

Hold on, folks. We’re in for a hell of a ride, no matter what the outcome is.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Hi again.

So I apparently took the summer off blogging.

Here is what you’ve missed.

Jules is now in 3 year old preschool.
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Still no hair cut. He doesn’t even like me to cut mine. He tells me, “if it gets in your eyes, just shake your head!” He also has been introduced to Pez candy & Patrick Swayze.

Blair is full of awesome.
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He’s really just a baby, so nothing major to report, but he’s so cute I can’t stand it.

Jules is full of awesome & imagination. Here he is taking a bath.

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He had his first show & tell last week. He took a Batman toy. He told the class, “This is Batman. He’s cool & fancy. My mom takes me to his place to get ice cream…Batman & Robbins.”

Adam is in the world of stand up.

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We go out a lot…but only for stand up.

We got a new pet. A dog. Everyone say hi to Batman.

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Jules named him. He came from a woman who was like 8 months pregnant & smoking like a train. He reeked of smoke, it was quite sad.

I’m back in school, again. No picture, but take my word for it. I’m there.

I got yet another new couch & stuff.

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I got my $1300+ couch 3 weeks old from the public housing area for $300. I took advantage of someone’s misfortune. I’m American like that.

I’ve started selling tutus & other girly stuff. You should totally buy one (or 15). https://www.facebook.com/rainbowbabydesigns

I got a job. Not subbing like I was previously, but a real job that I go to. It’s part time, it’s in community mental health working with at risk kids. It’s good, I like it. I think I’m good at it. But it does keep me out 4 days a week until the kids are both in bed or until Blair is at least.

In the works I have a food blog, a cake blog, an entertaining blog about what happens when a fish dies & you don’t want your toddler to know, a maybe ttc blog, & maybe a blog that will cause drama!

Those are in no particular order. But they are upcoming.

Monday, September 5, 2011

September 6th.

Today, September 6th, is Stillbirth Remembrance Day.

So, let’s share some facts.

• Stillbirth is the death of an infant in-utero at 20 or more completed gestational weeks. More than 25,000 babies are stillborn in the United States each year
• Almost 50 percent of these deaths occur at or near full term and often seem to be otherwise healthy babies. The majority of stillbirths (85%)occur before delivery with 15% occurring during labor and delivery.
• It is estimated that nearly two-thirds of all stillbirth deaths remain unexplained. Researchers feel that this is more likely due to a failure to investigate the deaths, rather than a medical mystery.
• Stillbirth deaths cut across all socio-economic classes, races, religions and maternal age groups. No woman is immune.
• Some of the more common diagnosable causes for stillbirth are: placental abruption and other placental problems, birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities, uncontrolled diabetes, pre-eclampsia, cord accidents and infections.
• The risk factors for stillbirth include: advanced maternal age, maternal obesity, maternal smoking, prior stillbirth, neonatal death or other fetal losses, uncontrolled maternal diabetes and maternal hypertension.
• After a stillbirth, few hospitals offer an autopsy, placental exam or clinical testing to the parents to determine the cause of death.
• Mothers who suffer a stillbirth do not receive recognition in 39 out of 50 states. There is no certificate of birth — making these babies births "invisible".


Joel died at 40 weeks. And on this remembrance day I have only one question…

...when was I supposed to forget in order to remember?

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