Monday, August 22, 2011

Rambles.

My life is now nothing more than what ifs & what's missing.

I wonder what he'd be doing.

I would have been a good mom to him.

Or maybe I didn't deserve him.

I feel like I'm going to self destruct.  Just explode from sadness and sorrow. I just want to scream until that happens.  As loud and as long as possible.  And even then, it won't express what I feel.

Drowning.  I feel like I'm drowning and going to lose the few things in life that make it worth living.  And sometimes, I don't even care.  Because never having him made him my world.  My world is gone forever.  And that's unfair to everyone here.  But it's the truth.  I want HIM.

You always want those you can't have I suppose.

I want to hold him.  Alive.  I want to tell him I'm sorry and to not be scared. I want him to be warm and safe.  

I don't know how one survives a lifetime of this.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The story.

I've not vanished. I've not forgotten. It's just been...rough. A full life update soon. But until then, I'm going to share this.

http://www.bandbacktogether.com/truth-midwife-care-stillbirth

That is me. That is my story. The story that makes me angry, ashamed, and worried all at once.

Angry because Joel died.

Ashamed because I let it happen.

And worried because of any potential backlash I could end up dealing with because people may interpret it wrong. Strangers or close friends. But my note & the editors note are true. I hope people can realize that.

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