Monday, August 22, 2011


My life is now nothing more than what ifs & what's missing.

I wonder what he'd be doing.

I would have been a good mom to him.

Or maybe I didn't deserve him.

I feel like I'm going to self destruct.  Just explode from sadness and sorrow. I just want to scream until that happens.  As loud and as long as possible.  And even then, it won't express what I feel.

Drowning.  I feel like I'm drowning and going to lose the few things in life that make it worth living.  And sometimes, I don't even care.  Because never having him made him my world.  My world is gone forever.  And that's unfair to everyone here.  But it's the truth.  I want HIM.

You always want those you can't have I suppose.

I want to hold him.  Alive.  I want to tell him I'm sorry and to not be scared. I want him to be warm and safe.  

I don't know how one survives a lifetime of this.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The story.

I've not vanished. I've not forgotten. It's just been...rough. A full life update soon. But until then, I'm going to share this.

That is me. That is my story. The story that makes me angry, ashamed, and worried all at once.

Angry because Joel died.

Ashamed because I let it happen.

And worried because of any potential backlash I could end up dealing with because people may interpret it wrong. Strangers or close friends. But my note & the editors note are true. I hope people can realize that.


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