Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fuck.

Honestly I wish I could make a complete thought that didn't come off completely pissed off.  Truth is, I'm too pissed off to even care that I can't make a good complete thought.

Time.  Reading.  Searching.  Asking.  Seeking.  Crying.  Researching.  Google. Checking with other medical professionals.  I've spent two years doing this.  And I've finally come up with completely fucked conclusions.

-Joel may have died no matter what.  
-Joel never had a chance.
-I was given, at best, lackluster care.  Between my worries and concerns being blown off I was flat out told inappropriate things.
-Doctors didn't test everything like they should have.  In fact, the most basic fucking test weren't done.  They noted I had an infection...but no testing was done to determine if the infection or the dead baby came first.
-Not only was shit done wrong and ignored, it was covered up.  I've found that some results were never given to other doctors investigating the stillbirth.  Results that would have likely lead to more questions.
-My results were withheld for 7 weeks, 6 weeks after they were completed and available.  Only when i called hospital supervisors did my test magically appear in the hands of those who were suppose to relay them to me.  Forms to do further test on Joel were also withheld until then.  Forms that had to be signed and returned within 2 weeks to rule out possible causes, none of which seem likely.  But since they were never done, they couldn't be ruled out.  Therefore, the pool of maybes didn't get any smaller.
-My body likely killed my baby.  And if it didn't, it didn't help his weakness.
-It could have been prevented.
-He could have had a chance.
-My life was ruined. And it was ruined further by fucked up loyality among professionals.

I feel as though, finally, tonight, I had that lightbulb moment.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

Unless I decide names and actual issues shouldn't be protected any longer.

Maybe I'll just start protecting them as well as my dead baby was protected. I actually wrote an angry letter for healing purposes directed to my midwife. Now I believe it'll see the light of day.

Though all of this...and so much as of late, my entire thought on so many things have changed. It's actual a bit scary.

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