Monday, October 10, 2011

How are you celebrating Pregnancy & Infant Loss month?

I’m one of those people who go all out, so to celebrate pregnancy & infant loss month I had a dead baby.

…yeah, soak that in, peeps.

A while back I told you we decided to try to breed again.

Apparently we did.

On my cheapo test I had negatives & positives…it was back & forth in the same day, for days. I decided my batch of test just sucked, so I bought I fancy overpriced store test & peed on it.

Truth is, I had a coupon. So I saved $2. Go me!

Anyway, I peed. That little hourglass blinked. And blinked more. I figured it was going to be negative because shouldn’t positive results pop up fast?

Well, not always. Because it popped up at the 3 minute mark. Finally.

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And with that, I was safe. I told the world!

Then, hours later, I took the 2nd test in the box for shits & giggles. It took just as long, but I wasn’t worried. I’m pregnant!

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Or not.

Confused? Let’s compare.

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Still confused? Same here.

Long story short, I was directed to the evil hospital I hates lab. They would do blood test for pregnancy without a doctors order & give results within 2 hours! Much better than going to the doctor & getting blown off a week from now. So I got my exact change of $10 & set out to the lab.

I got my blood drawn like a good little solider. I even made a fucking doctors appointment because I’m pregnant, right? Right!

I called.

I’m not.

My hCg levels are barely what a positive at like 2 weeks out has to be at the minimum, like the very minimum. I should be 4 weeks. So it’s likely a chemical pregnancy. Hence the back & forth test results, chemical pregnancies are famous for that apparently. Learn something new everyday!

Of course, the real fun here is that I have to go to my doctors appointment tomorrow & they will do further blood work, but I’ll also receive my goody bag of baby things I’m sure.

Honestly, as I type this, I’m trying to convince myself things are fine. I did this convincing thing before…on the drive to get induced with Joel. He was still dead though. And I waited for him to cry after he was delivered but guess what? Dead.

Sure, there is still a chance. I’ve had friends tell me their levels are as low as mine & they have baybees now. But a bitch hasn't been that lucky before. Or even if this is a miscarriage, I can have another baybee. I sure did after Joel, so this shouldn’t be any different. But honestly? I can’t do it. I can’t see myself risking this shit again. And I’m not really sure I can survive 9 months of waiting for yet another dead baby.

My genes, body, or whatever else has failed me again. So I’m pretty sure I quit now. After whatever happens with this. As fucked as it may sound, I'm not even sad over the dead baby idea as much as I am feeling like a complete failure of being able to keep one alive.

Oh. It was nice coming into work after this & seeing my newly popped co-worker. And I can't wait until Wednesday with my class full of preggos, including the professor whose taken to rubbing her belly through class lectures.

2 comments:

  1. *hugs* That is all. Oh and this sucks big donkey balls. That too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry Jess. That really stinks.

    ReplyDelete

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