Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Doing it again.

Being stupid, we’ve been talking about breeding again.

There are various reasons this is stupid. Allow me to list some.

Money.

Money.

Money.

Money.

Oh, & money.

OK, there are more specific reasons but at the end of the day it’s the money aspect. For example, our house is wee. To have more room, you need money. Kids need clothes and everything else. Money. I’m not sure if we can fit an extra baybee in our car. Need money for a new car.

So see? Money. Makes the world go around.

Of course, now that I’ve accepted that we CAN make it work by some miracle, I’m remembering how involved pregnancy after Joel was. I’ve not even thought about how scary and stressful it is, I’m talking about the ultrasounds. The doctors visits. That last trimester of weekly visits & scans. Waiting to be told your baby is dead every time. The extra blood work to make sure homocysteine levels are good. Taking an insane amount of pills, mainly folic acid, to ensure my homocysteine levels have a chance of staying good so I can avoid blood thinners. Taking MORE pills to ensure the folic acid I’m taking gets the best chance of being absorbed as possible. I took at least a dozen of these pills every night because my insurance hates me & refuses to pay for the pill that I can take ONE of a night & be everything. But since they won’t pay & I can’t pay (see, money) the $200 a month for the pills, I’m stuck with taking my own super combo of hell.

I hate taking pills. So much.

I’d, again, be the time bomb everyone is waiting to detonate. I get to be the knocked up girl who many wonder “why is she risking it again?!” Always fun.

I’d be sick. Tired. Feel like crap.

So really nothing new there.

There are times I feel like a shitty mom anyway, do I really need to add another in the mix? Nothing major there, just the tired & running late for work Jess with crying or questioning children. It’s a fun frustration that I’m sure all parents know.

Then I wonder WHY I would want to do this again. And to be honest, the most disturbing answer is this…I want to know if I can.

There are various reasons, that’s not the main one, but it does bother me that part of me wants to do it as…an experiment? I want to see that I can indeed grow and birth a living baby. I’m selfish like that.


I wrote all that a few days ago. I was full of confusion. I was full of doubt. Fear. Can’t forget the fear. But something clicked. I look at it & realize that down the road I’ll wonder what if. And I have a lifetime of what if crap to deal with for the rest of my life.

And, with that, my IUD was pulled out.

We’re gonna make a baby.

Hold on, folks. We’re in for a hell of a ride, no matter what the outcome is.

3 comments:

  1. That's so exciting!!! WIll you tell us all the details about everything? I'm thinking of trying again, but I'm scared of it. Good luck!

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  2. Agh! Please don't tell us "all the details about everything"!!! TMI, TMI!! ;)

    I think those gnawing fears and thoughts of what if's are a sign that you SHOULD try again. I believe that our babies are waiting in Heaven for us, and they give us signs letting us know that they're waiting to be born. I sure know I've got another one waiting. Kid's gonna have to wait another year at least before I'm ready though! LOL

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  3. Waiting to be told your baby is dead every time." Lets hope that's not something any of us has to ever hear again, but yeah...I think this is my #1 fear of post dead baby prego status. And then, like you said, there's always "There are times I feel like a shitty mom anyway, do I really need to add another in the mix?" because yeah, sometimes I feel like a real jerk of a mom. And in the end it boils down to this for me also "...down the road I’ll wonder what if. And I have a lifetime of what if crap to deal with for the rest of my life". SO, having repeated everything you just said with a jump up and down waving the arms screaming "me too!" kind of comment I say, CONGRATULATIONS you masochist! Go for it! And enjoy every horrid moment to the fullest. Wishing you luck, a long pregnancy with a LIVING and HEALTHY baby at the end and tons of hugs in between!

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