Monday, August 22, 2011


My life is now nothing more than what ifs & what's missing.

I wonder what he'd be doing.

I would have been a good mom to him.

Or maybe I didn't deserve him.

I feel like I'm going to self destruct.  Just explode from sadness and sorrow. I just want to scream until that happens.  As loud and as long as possible.  And even then, it won't express what I feel.

Drowning.  I feel like I'm drowning and going to lose the few things in life that make it worth living.  And sometimes, I don't even care.  Because never having him made him my world.  My world is gone forever.  And that's unfair to everyone here.  But it's the truth.  I want HIM.

You always want those you can't have I suppose.

I want to hold him.  Alive.  I want to tell him I'm sorry and to not be scared. I want him to be warm and safe.  

I don't know how one survives a lifetime of this.


  1. You might think I'm cray cray...but...

    you should SERIOUSLY. seriously. look into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. [Mormonism]

    Joel's death is NOT your fault. You need to forgive yourself. First and foremost.

    You WILL be able to raise Joel one day. From the age that you met him. Where we go after we die is a place very similar to Earth. Look into having some missionaries over. Ask them questions. If its not right for you, then tell them to stop contacting you and you're not interested.

    But, Our temples are places where we are SEALED to our family, for eternity. At a temple wedding, there is no "til death do you part", you are together forever. Your family can be sealed forever and Joel will be yours forever. I know how much you are hurting and I think this type of knowledge of the gospel may help ease your misery and heartache. I think the worst thing that could happen to me in my life would be to lose a child. But having the knowledge of Heavenly Father's plan of Happiness would help me through this dreary life on Earth so that I could be with my child again. You can be sealed to your husband and each and every one of your children. For Eternity.
    Please email me if I can help you in any way.

    {I don't know what you've heard, but mormons don't have horns...or have multiple wives}


  3. So sorry you're not doing well. I'm on BHB on noticed you've been gone a long time, thought i would check your blog.

  4. I sometimes wonder how one can go an entire lifetime missing someone so much. I guess there's no choice. :(

  5. Heather http://mystolenlight.blogspot.comSeptember 1, 2011 at 12:19 PM

    "My life is now nothing more than what ifs & what's missing." Here! Here! 2 years 7 months later and every day I tell myself I shouldn't be doing this, I wonder what I'd be doing, I wonder how he would be, I wonder how my daughter would be with him...I wonder. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be doing this...there should be three kids here...not one...missing, missing, missing...

  6. *****hugs***** My heart breaks for you. :(



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