Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fuck.

Honestly I wish I could make a complete thought that didn't come off completely pissed off.  Truth is, I'm too pissed off to even care that I can't make a good complete thought.

Time.  Reading.  Searching.  Asking.  Seeking.  Crying.  Researching.  Google. Checking with other medical professionals.  I've spent two years doing this.  And I've finally come up with completely fucked conclusions.

-Joel may have died no matter what.  
-Joel never had a chance.
-I was given, at best, lackluster care.  Between my worries and concerns being blown off I was flat out told inappropriate things.
-Doctors didn't test everything like they should have.  In fact, the most basic fucking test weren't done.  They noted I had an infection...but no testing was done to determine if the infection or the dead baby came first.
-Not only was shit done wrong and ignored, it was covered up.  I've found that some results were never given to other doctors investigating the stillbirth.  Results that would have likely lead to more questions.
-My results were withheld for 7 weeks, 6 weeks after they were completed and available.  Only when i called hospital supervisors did my test magically appear in the hands of those who were suppose to relay them to me.  Forms to do further test on Joel were also withheld until then.  Forms that had to be signed and returned within 2 weeks to rule out possible causes, none of which seem likely.  But since they were never done, they couldn't be ruled out.  Therefore, the pool of maybes didn't get any smaller.
-My body likely killed my baby.  And if it didn't, it didn't help his weakness.
-It could have been prevented.
-He could have had a chance.
-My life was ruined. And it was ruined further by fucked up loyality among professionals.

I feel as though, finally, tonight, I had that lightbulb moment.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

Unless I decide names and actual issues shouldn't be protected any longer.

Maybe I'll just start protecting them as well as my dead baby was protected. I actually wrote an angry letter for healing purposes directed to my midwife. Now I believe it'll see the light of day.

Though all of this...and so much as of late, my entire thought on so many things have changed. It's actual a bit scary.

5 comments:

  1. I actually just came to the same conclusion about my son's death the other day. I have done my research and am also with a wonderful OB now. At that time I thought I had a good OB but I was so wrong. I never was tested for a disease that my mother has that caused her to have three late miscarriages. When I told my OB I knew I would deliver early they did nothing. There is shots to stop labor, shots to develop babies lungs faster, all kinds of checks they could have done. I wasn't even given an internal exam that day. They could have seen I was dilated and helped stop it all. I got nothing.

    Sorry I ranted on your blog and am a complete stranger. I just know exactly what you are feeling. Take care.

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  2. I've been a reader on your blog for a while now but I have the worst memory in the entire world. Did you sue the hospital/doctors/midwife? Seems like there is some major fault there. I know that won't bring Joel back but if it were me, I'd want to fuck up the people that fucked up my life.

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  3. *hugs* I hate that you have to realize this information two years later....its not fair all around.

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  4. We actually tried, but the hospital/ultrasound facility refused to had over any of the ultrasound info. Lawyers decided that they weren't going to keep trying since it may end up costing them more money than they worried they'd make from the case. Hospital stalled almost 2 years, which is the cut off point for a malpractice suit. So they stalled long enough to cover their asses.

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  5. I concur. That moment when you realize there isn't an effing thing you can do about the injustice, the way it was or wasn't handled and the flat out fact that there isn't a freaking thing you can do change the results...nothing fits better than a bit fat F.U.C.K.!! I'm sorry Jess. I hope peace finds its way to your door step. In the mean time, HUGS!!

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