Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Nights are the worse.

I don't know what it is about the night time, but they are the worse. I guess that's when I have time to thing, when I have time to really think. And thinking this week hurts. Physically hurts. My chest is constantly tight. I'm snotty because this is night 3 in a row that I've cried. I work hard not to just scream & cry as loud as possible, which hurts as well.

It's just after midnight on May 25th. It's officially the eve of D-Day.

That's death day.

I can't remember him. And some things, I never even thought to look at. So some things I don't know.

I hate myself for not knowing. I hate myself for not making myself realize that I needed to look at little things to try to remember them. I hate myself for not taking more pictures. I hate myself for letting him die. And I hate everyone who forget him or refuses to remember him over the next couple of days. And I hate anyone who only took his death as a story to spread around like cheap gossip.

And I hate spam comments, like the following one which was on this post about Jules saying he was going to die like Joel:

Those little guys are the craziest, toddlers are the funniest haha

I hope people that should care about him actually do over the next few days.

13 comments:

  1. Remembering Joel with you~

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  2. thinking of you and little joel today. I completely know what you mean by there are things you will never know. I WANTED to undress my daughter completely and look at everything to remember, but there were so many people in the room! Then the next day she was too cold, and i was afraid to look. HUGS and PRayers with you today, and I hope you have some peace and comfort!

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  3. Big Hugs...I remembered.

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  4. You don't know me but I have been following your blog for awhile now. I wish there was something I could say to help you, that might make you feel better, that might help with the tears and heal your heart some. Just know that my heart aches for you and I'll be thinking of you and Joel.

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  5. Thinking of you and Joel. Much love and *hugs* to you both!

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  6. HUGS to you for today, tomorrow and for a long time. I am only a few days away from D day myself.

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  7. I'll never forget Joel!! Miss your comments on BHB. come back soon, people miss you :D

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  8. People can be such insensitive jerks sometimes. My heart actually hurt when you posted what Jules had said, and someone actually thought it was FUNNY?? They've obviously never been through a loss.

    Hugs to you on your tough day (a day late, but I've been out of town).

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  9. Thinking of you, and remembering Joel...

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  10. People can be such jerks. It leaves me speechless. *hugs* to you mama, although I already sent you some on FB. ; )

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  11. Just stopped by to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your beautiful baby Joel today.

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  12. Thinking of you and of sweet Joel. You and your family are in my heart and thoughts today

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  13. Thinking of Joel and remembering him with you. *hugs*

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