Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm a hack.

I can't come up with anything that great to write about that isn't depressing, so I bring you my amusing facebook statuses.

Yes, I'm serious. I figure this also updates you on my life. Enjoy. Unless you're my facebook friend. If so, experience some deja vu.

Today's Maury..."Test me! Am I the father of my brothers baby?!" Now, I'm not a medical expert, but I'm thinking that's biologically impossible.

Jules is ignoring everything I say, house is a mess, Blair got a chip bag & shook it all out, & on my way out of the house, 10 minutes late, I found a dead mole in my dining room. So, basically, a normal day.

Sperm?
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Someone come clean my house...I'll give you some pussy*.
*Pussy cats, of course. Your pick of the pack!

Happy mothers day! A $300 bill for the ent, on top of the $500 bill for the surgery center for the tubes. Those things better stay put.

Someone parked outside the crack house is blaring Elton John's "Benny & the Jets." I'm annoyed, but impressed all at the same time.

Just saw my first ever hooker pick up.

Cockblocks. My house is full of cockblocks.

It's nice that people have changed their profile pictures, but I suddenly feel like all of my friends are kinda old.

There. I changed my profile picture to a picture of me & my mom.
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Thank goodness I have an iPhone. How else would I watch videos of fat cats anytime I wanted without it?

Jules made this. Seriously.
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There is a thing going around saying that if you're a proud mom, you'll post your kids birthdays & stats. Well, folks, I'll do you one better. I'll tell you that I've had 11 stitches in my vagina & my abdomen cut open & glued back together. I've also got an ass load of stretch marks & nursed children with my ample bosoms. I'm awesome.

Watching another "got lost in West Virginia, end up being killed by a inbred psycho" movie. In defense of my home state, I think the annoying fucks in these movies would be killed by someone in any state they got lost in. We'd just do the rest of you a favor.

I finally let Adam touch some pussy...as he plants it.
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I'm trying to work on the invites for Blair's birthday party. I'm having a hard time though, because all I keep wanting to type is "GODDAMN MY KID IS CUTE!" & I don't really think that's appropriate.

Did you know it was national depression week? Finally, a week in my honor! I'd have a party, but I don't want to get out of bed.

I want a copy of my cps file. They now tell me it'll take about a week longer. Why? Because the supervisor has to count the pages to tell me how much it'll cost for copies. A week to count pages? Really?

Oh & when I was shocked about that, she explained that she's "not even had time to go to the bathroom today." I told her she could count in the bathroom. No response. Mind you, I first requested them on April 22nd.

I guess that supervisor took my suggestion...I'm off to obtain my whopping 20 pages of file from cps. I'm considering paying the $5 in pennies.
And I did.

CPS is fucking shameful. My report is full of quotes from people they never spoke to. The quotes aren't even possibly correct, like one talks about us watching "all of her children" when she only has one. Worker took what I said & claimed it came from others. Fine for us, but what about kids who really need help? Pathetic.
Update on this in the future...may have cost someone a job & reporting them to the license board in the state.

While looking at my "recommendations for Jessica" I netflix, I mistakenly read a movie title as "Eat Me Out."

Bloody Penis?

Camo tarp's daughter just called me a skank. Some may be offended, but I'm thrilled. This is the first time I've been called a skank! At least to my face. I feel like I should get cake or something.

Self fulfilling prophecy: this afternoon I was called a skank...tonight, I'm texting pictures of my boobs to other chicks.

Little penis condoms? I had an ex who used these. Seriously.

Me teaching French? The only french I have experience with is that we joke that one of our cats is French. And he only says "sacrebleu" to everything.

I bet Toby Keith has been up all night, writing like 3 albums.
After the news of Osama's death.

Life lesson 3674...even in the freezer, shit can spoil.

Life lesson 3675...one should think things out better then to throw away a shit load of frozen foods & meat in May when trash day isn't until 4 days from now.

Today Jules told Blair, "this summer, you're gonna grow up & be my best friend."

As he throws food to the floor & looks for Murphy, Blair says "doh doh doh!". Either he's trying to say dog or he's Homer Simpson.

What my students can use for their math test.
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It's April 28th. That's 23 months.

What's this rash on my kid?
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Jules is allergic to amoxcilian (however the fuck that's spelled). Like mama!

I think it says something special about me when, on their way over to my house, my friend text me asking if I'm wearing pants.

Just realized that The Cat in the Hat is the story of some weird guy going into a house alone with kids whose mother is away & playing weird games with them. Hmmmm...

Jules shoves tp in his butt crack & tells us he has a tail.
I'm happy we can share these things with each other.

Charlie Brown came in my house & was all like "cook me some lunch, bitch." And I did. Because he's cute.
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Jules is so imaginative. Like just now, he wanted the "map" I was holding, which was a roll of cotton.
On a side note, ever think tampons look like maps? If you're 3 they do.

Why does the word "peanuts" have to sound so much like "penis?"

I had a 2nd grader tell me I bored him & to never even look at him again.
So I went & sat beside him.

Feel safe coming to our house if you have kids! All of todays guest have been checked against the sex offender registry, they are all clear.
We had a cook out.

It took 2 employees & the guy buying them to load 4 bags of concrete while I, beside them, loaded 4 bags of 50lb sand in my car alone. Pussies.

Jules found a shovel from his Easter basket. When Adam asked who he thought it was for he answered, sadly, "the orphans."

Jehovah witnesses just came to my door...and asked to speak to my mom.

Meet me at the ice cream truck, I'll buy you some ice cream!

Guys, I don't play farmville or any other ville game. I've got enough people, animals, & shit to keep alive in my real daily life, I don't need fake things to have to worry about, too. I can only care for so many critters at once. If I'm busy feeding fake cows, I'm going to be down a cat.

Have a drink? Why yes, I think I will!

In other news, Blair is getting eye surgery tomorrow. Clogged tear duct since birth, constant infections & gunk. So he's getting probed tomorrow morning. Poor kid.

Oh, just for the hell of it...
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CUTE!

1 comment:

  1. Ah the memories! I forgot how many funny ones there were! And some I even commented on!

    I still love the crackhouse Benny and the Jets. I love that song.

    ReplyDelete

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