To start this, I'm just going to dictate a conversation I had with my mother on the phone tonight, once upcoming events were. I'm in normal font, she's in dumb italics.
Do you know when Joel's birthday is?
I don't know, let me ask your dad...hey, do you know when Blair's birthday is?
No, not Blair. Joel. Joel's birthday.
Oh, of course I know that! Jules birthday is December 14! I'd never forget that!
No. Not Jules. JOEL. J O E L. JOEL.
Oh...uhhh...I don't know, but I'm sure your dad has it written down somewhere.
I sit there & blink, trying to digest this entire discussion & finally start paying attention when I hear my dad coping an attitude in the background & saying all pissed off, "you tell her if she's going to make some issue out of this, but I've got that day written in my checkbook."
That really just caused more blinking. The attitude was shitty & the comment itself was...odd?
The discussion continued with my mother, who ended up explaining that they talk about him all the time...him, him, him. Never could say his name. But they don't talk to anyone but each other because it's sad & I need to understand that people grieve differently & it's a private matter we should deal with between ourselves, like how I should just share with Adam & viceversa. And they don't like to hear me talk about him because it makes them sad & how they don't talk about him around people because, again, it's sad & shouldn't be discussed . Said something like she's said before about how "he didn't come & was never here with us." I corrected her this time & said that he did come & he was here, he just died. She continued on making it an issue of me telling her they didn't care, which wasn't the case. I know they care. My point was just that I'd like to not feel like if I say the name JOEL in their company that I'm a 5 year old who just dropped the f bomb in Sunday church service.
She continued on & eventually said that it makes them sad, but if I'm going to insist on talking about it & wanting people to talk about it around me, they will have to just get use to it even though everytime they do, they get very upset, like tonight now she's going to have to go straight to bed she's so upset. And it wasn't same poorly worded voice of support even before the guilt trip started about how it'll be OK if it happens. It was a "well fuck, if you're going to insist on this, I'm still going to act obviously uncomfortable & make sure everyone around us knows we don't like talking about this icky situation."
Sad. I'm still just stuck on how talking about my dead son should basically be avoided because it makes them sad. No shit it's sad. It's suppose to be sad. When ISN'T it sad? Fuck.
She also said something about how, "I held him, you know. And I thought about how I'd like him to wake up."
TELL ME THAT. We'd finally have something in common. And holding Joel isn't some badge of honor you now carry...I got you beat with my 26 hours of labor & delivery on top of everything else.
Joel's existence should not be a date in a checkbook. Joel's name shouldn't be avoided. With so little facts to remember for him, Joel's birthday should be remembered. I cry enough for my dead baby. I shouldn't have to cry because of the drama around him or feel bad because I want to say his name.
I miss my baby. But he wouldn't be a baby anymore, he'd be a toddler. I miss everything.