Monday, February 14, 2011

Dude, I feel like crap.

Rainbows & sunshine, I am not tonight.

I'm a planner...like waaay in advance planner. It makes me feel good to plan far in advance. So I'm already mentally preparing from Blair's first birthday.

Yes, he's 8 months old.

And suddenly...I'm pissed.

I'm going to have a get together with people less than 2 weeks after Joel's death/birth date. Most of which are people who still pretend he didn't existed. And even when I'm able to swallow that (because I plan on shoving it down their fucking throats that he fucked existed, so take that assholes who may be uncomfortable with it)...& even when I'm happy & grateful with my truely gorgeous Blair...I'm sad.

Like...run over me with a train sad.

I feel weird admitting this because, I'm sure in some fucked up way it means I kinda wish Blair didn't happen, because let's face it, if Joel hadn't died Blair wouldn't be around, but goddammit I shouldn't be planning a 1st birthday party.

Again, don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I do & I love Blair oodles & oodles. I know there are others out there who would love to plan a birthday party for a living, breathing baby.

But, again, goddammit. I should be planning Joel's 2nd birthday party.

I shouldn't be carrying around a baby. I should be trying to keep up with 2 boys running around with each other & driving us nuts.

I shouldn't be buying baby food. I should be trying to get an almost 2 year old to eat more than Mac & Cheese 6 times a day.

I shouldn't be waiting for a baby to take steps. I should be waiting to hear a almost 2 year old to tell me some insane story about dinosaurs living upstairs in our house.

But I'm not. I have a baby. And I'm thrilled with him. But that can't fix the other stuff. He can't fix that stuff, & it's not fair for me to ever think it could. I never thought that'd be the case.

I'm sad over someone who didn't exist, not in the ways that matter at least. Know what I have to prove he existed? Some dead baby pictures, a small corner shelf of random stuff, & stretch marks. And I'm not even sure which are from him. I have no way of knowing what the fuck he would have been like, looked like, or even sounded like. I can only make it up in my head & I have no idea where to even start.

Yep, I'm a bitter, unappreciative person. It's my prerogative.

6 comments:

  1. I get it. I'm struggling with that too. Ella's 2nd Birthday is 1 month from tomorrow. I can't believe it. I find it hard to be "normal" and have to do things like plan 1st Birthday parties when over and over I keep remembering, Ella didn't get this.

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  2. I love you, Jess. And this time not because of your in-your-face hilarious remarks, but because I truly love the person you are. You have every right to feel any way you want. If I could be at Blair's birthday with you, I'd shove Joel down their throats right along with you.

    As long as you and Adam remember him, he exists. As long as Jules knows he has two little brothers and Blair knows he has two big brothers, he exists. He's always there. That's what matters now. Fuck anyone who thinks otherwise. They don't fucking exist.

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  3. I hear you loud and clear! We're finally TTC. And while I am truly happy (for the first time since Ian died) it makes me sad because I feel like I'm trying to replace him.

    And I second what Aeriel said, if you weren't 5 hours from me, I'd help you shove Joel down their throats. Maybe you, Adam and the boys should have a birthday party for Joel?

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  4. I get it, I so get it. I shouldn't be starting clomid next week, I should be chasing my 10 month old cruiser or planning her ridiculously elaborate 1 yr old princess birthday party. I shouldn't even be in this house. Or wearing this shirt (my faces of loss hoodie). Sad.

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  5. I completely understand. I have a slightly different perspective though because I was 2 when my little sister was stillborn. Now, I love my little brother who was born when 2 years later, don't get me wrong, he's one of the best things in my life. But...I should have had a little sister. Her 21st birthday would have been 2 weeks ago and it was, and always is, one of the most frustrating days of the year for me.

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  6. Arg - I don't think you grieving Joel necessarily "means I kinda wish Blair didn't happen" - I think the two things exist side by side - your grief for Joel (and wishing he was still here) and your love for Blair (and awareness that he might not have existed if Joel had lived). Your love for one of your kids can't cancel out your love and grief for another kid.

    And clearly Joel did exist - you carried him for 40 weeks, you gave birth to him. It matters. Joel matters - even if some of the people who might come to Blair's birthday are too freaked out to acknowledge him. Who knows why they do that - if they think that by ignoring death it will magically never happen to them or anyone close to them, then they're in for some big nasty surprises.

    It is so hard to have these two milestones so close together, but I'm sure you will find a way to create some space to feel whatever you feel around them. I don't know, maybe you can see if Jules wants to blow out two candles for Joel at Blair's birthday party? If some of the people coming to Blair's birthday party are as death-phobic as they sound, that will probably weird them out a bit, but you don't sound like the kind of person who'd be worried about that. And if they've got a compassionate bone in their body, maybe they'll realise that mourning a child is a long hard business, that you carry with you everywhere you go, even to first birthday parties.

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