So I've got a new gig. Not only am I a wife, mother, pet hoarder, blogger, & overall ray of fucking sunshine...I'm now a teacher.
OK, not a real teacher. No one pull your kids out of public school just yet.
First & foremost, let me give this disclaimer. I love my new job. Really, love it. I enjoy working, I enjoy the kids, I enjoy the entire experience.
But holy fuck, what is wrong with kids these days?
Early on I'd only taken elementary school classes. I didn't want to do high school yet...I like to feel taller than the kids I'm trying to teach. I was willing to take a middle school job, but they never came up. Well, one finally came up but it was "life experiences & career choices" class. As a career jumper, I don't think I'm one to give advice. And life experiences? I don't think a group of tweens could deal with what things I've experienced in life.
My first job ever was a 1/2 a day job. It was a bunch of 4th graders. This is where I encountered a little boy I'll call Ethan (you figure out why...maybe it's his name, but I didn't say it was). Ethan had this fun habit of shoving a neon green dice up his nose, while running around the room saying, "this is my ointment!"
That said, overall it was a good day. And I liked it.
I wasn't going to work the next day, but a preschool job popped up at like 11pm. I got excited. You see, I'm a fucking idiot. I thought it would be fun. And it was fun...if you like insanity. Of course I live in insanity, so it wasn't much different.
I was surrounded by tiny people. People who couldn't button their pants or tie their shoes. People who got all crazy & growled, "I don't like the word bottom, it makes me angry!" I was too busy to hear the rest of that discussion because I was overhearing that the teacher I was there for was worried about it being too cold to dig something...it sounded like they were talking about a grave.
Anyway, I have like 15 tiny people. One little boy, who just turned 3, is adorable. This little boy...he would make me his bitch. I spent my entire morning catering to him. He knew I thought he was cute, he could just tell. So he drug me around & made me do whatever he wanted. You'd think I'd be use to that by now.
I had the kids play a fun game. It was called "run." Awesome really. One darling came up to me & said, "I'll run faster when I'm WhatsHerNames age!" I asked how old she was now, she told me 4. I asked how old the other girl who was talking about was. This child looked at me like I had a penis growing out of my forehead & said, "I don't know..." then started playing run again.
Later in the afternoon, it was lunch time. They had brownies. I then had this conversation with a darling 4 year old.
Ms Jessica: Are you going to eat your brownie?
Darling Child: No, I don't like medicine brownies.
Ms Jessica: Ummmm...well, there is nothing in these, they are just plain ol' brownies.
Ms Other Teacher: Yeah, these are fine. Do your parents try to get you to take your medicine by putting it in brownies?
Darling Child: No, not mine. People say brownies are okay, but I know better. My parents, they make medicine brownies. I don't like them, so it's fine that I'm not allowed to eat them.
Ms Jessica & the other 2 teachers:
But I survived the day. And got snot on me. And a few days later, shocker, I was sick. This illness would later turn into almost pneumonia & required a late night urgent care trip in a blizzard because I couldn't breath. But hey, at least I got to have a couple cool teaching assistants.
Next up, I took a multiple day job with 3rd graders. This would provide lots of entertainment.
First, separation of church & state isn't really happening. OK, whatever. And this following quote will make you understand how much of the bible belt I live in.
A worksheet talked about a Jewish kid, Josh, who was going to his friends Christmas party. He was nervous because he didn't know alot about Christmas & was worried his friends would think he was weird for being Jewish. One of the discussion questions was "Why was Josh nervous about going to his friends Christmas party?"
"Because he's a jew & jews don't worship our lord & savior, jesus christ!"
I know, I know, it was wrong of me to just burst out laughing. But really? Even all the other kids were like "WTF?!" And the way she just said it...awesome.
At this point, I decided this was the most epic job EVER.
A nice, fun project was up next. People had a vocabulary word & had to draw a picture to match the word. One team of two kids had the word "retirement." Their picture was of a busy city. One part of the picture included this...
That's a dude. Getting hit by a plane. Of course, it gets worse.
That's a plane. And a building. A plane crashing into a building, to be exact.
Awkward. Of course, they are like 8, so they have no understanding of why this is really awkward.
I had to give a spelling test, which was awesome because I always hated spelling. You know all those things you hated in school? Well, you can do them when you're teaching. I love giving spelling test. And I love when people are reading outloud & I just stop them, mid-sentence to call on a kid who isn't paying attention to shame them because they don't know where they are at. I totally get why my teachers did that. Of course, I still hate it.
Anyway, spelling test. Kids also sprung it on me that the teacher used the words in sentences. I'm not good at that. So, I had to do what I could. For example...
Christmas is a fun holiday.
Snowflakes are pretty.
Santa breaks into your house.
For some reason, they were put off by that idea. Wonder why?
On the last day, the kids drew me pictures. Because that's what kids do. Here are a few that I will treasure forever.
Apparently, I rock. And by rock, I think it means I burn in the fire of hell. Something like that.
Now, there are several issues with this. First, why a beaver? Second, what has impaled the beavers head? And finally if you look at the small picture on the left, that is a picture that is labeled as me & Santa. So...why are santa & I at a strip pole? Like am I a stripper & santa is my "client" or something?
These kids think super highly of me.
But then, there is my all time favorite.
Just take that in for a minute, let it settle. Think it over.
OK, we are at the beach. And we are swimming. I'm on the left. I'm a giant. Or a midget, since the one on the right is another 3rd grader. Or maybe we're just in a tiny little world. Of course the really interesting things are the UFO's. I asked, "Um, why are we getting attacked by UFO's?" & she looked at me odd & told me, "we aren't." So I thought maybe it was just me.
Then another kid came up & noticed the picture, then asked, "Why are you getting attacked by UFO's?"
After the holidays, I jumped back into action & accepted a job before I knew what grade.
I really can't explain it. So instead, I'll just share my random musings I thought. OK, not random musings. Angry, aggervation. Because, as much as I love kids, being around twenty-five 5 year olds is insane. If you've never been in a room of 25 small children & tried to teach them something, let me show you what it looks like when you look out into those cute little faces. This is what looks back at you.
Only they look cuter.
Hey, have you ever tried to teach kids left & right? FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. I even tried to get them to hold up their hands & realize "left" made an L with your fingers. Problem with that? THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT AN L IS.
I left thinking I'd avoid kindergarten jobs. Then the same job was offered to me the next day. And I took it. Because I'm insane.
On this day, I got to play BINGO! The only thing I could put together to explain this is "Fucking BINGO cheaters." Once I got over telling each one that no, you won't have EVERY number on your card, that's why it's a game to see who wins, I had to tell them all again individually. And then again, as we were playing, half asking, "but I don't have that number!" Then a few called BINGO & when I checked, they were covering things that weren't called. Not even close. For some reason, this sent me over the edge. CHEATERS! I can't take cheaters anymore! SAVE ME!
Right about then, it was time to go do something else, so I got to take a break. After that, BINGO went fine. Breaks are good when you have kindergarten. But I did later send Adam this email...
Sweet Jesus, I just caught one girl pick her nose & eating it. She looked me in the eyes, then ate it.
I think that says it all.
After that, I ended up in high school. Yes, I'm all over the place. I didn't want to do high school, but I wanted to work. So, I took a high school job in fear that nothing else would come up. I was offered a middle school "life choices & careers" job, but I thought me teaching that would just be wrong. I'm a career jumper & my life choices are bitter & angry. So...no.
Anyway, back to high school. I wasn't a huge fan of high school. But I did enjoy this kids votes on where he'd like the senior trip to be...
In case you can't make it out, the order goes like this:
Because if you can't go to Hooters or McDonalds, there is always Texas. I don't know who that's more offensive to, Hooters or Texas.
Of course the real fun came later when I caught a girl cheating (you're 3 feet away from me, do you think I'm an idiot & won't notice you have two papers?). And I took her paper. And she cried. And I felt awesome, because she was rude & could used knocked down a couple notches. I'll pretend I taught a life skill that day. Don't be a rude idiot.
Now, all this aside, I must publicly state that I do indeed enjoy my job. But I plan on just sticking with the short people. But not so short they cheat at BINGO. I can't deal with that shit.