Thursday, December 9, 2010

My virginity, I lost it.

Stop being confused, I know I didn't just lose that virginity, I'm talking about a totally different one.

Peeps, I went out on Black Friday. At midnight.


I know I'm behind on this, but I've never gone out on Black Friday before. I think I've only been shopping on Black Friday twice my entire life, & that was at like 7pm.

Once I was pregnant with Jules & did some last minute shopping because I'm an idiot. I was 39 weeks pregnant, so I was walking around with a bowling ball in my pelvis. Most of that shopping was me sitting on a bench.

Another time was many moons ago & it ended badly because I was with an ex who decided to get very jealous of a guy I was in college with & he got all pissy when he thought he saw the guy walking down the mall. That somehow meant something was between us since, you know, we were both possibly at the only mall in the county on the busiest shopping day of the year.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, I'd been saying for a few years now that I wanted to go, but the past 3 years I've been pregnant so that was my perfect excuse not to go out. This year I didn't have that excuse, but I also needed nothing. Seriously, I needed nothing. All the shopping is totally done. Minus a totally optional maybe gift for Jules, there is nothing I needed. But still, I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I wanted to go to Target at 4am! But in my searches, all I could find that I may have needed was a picture frame set for $12. That wasn't exactly worth getting up at 3am for. Or, in my case, staying up all night.

I was doomed, I wasn't going to go out in the wee hours of the morning for some picture frames that I was sure would be there later in the day.

Then I got on facebook at like 10:30 at night. Then a friend, Heather, posted that she was going to WalMart at midnight. She said I should, too. They have frames, even cheaper frames. I'd be up at midnight anyway. So why not?

Note to self...when the best thing you can say is "so why not?" you really shouldn't do it.

Let me just answer that for you.

You should not because people are fucking insane.

I got dressed. I drove down the street. I never really thought this was a bad idea. When I got to the ol' WalMart, I was kinda impressed that it wasn't full as I thought it'd be. I'd convinced myself that I'd never find a parking spot, but I actually did. I walked into the store & I could feel the tension. I decided to do a walk around the store, so I walked through grocery. There is where they had small appliances & steam mops. People were crowded by, staring. It was only like 11:20. I walk all around until I get to the toy section. Well, I kinda get to the toy section.

Here, I encounter cunts.

Seriously, there is no way to put it other than the fact that people were nasty cunts.

First, I wanted to go around so I could get to the area where I figured the picture frames were. People refused to let me through because they thought I was going to steal their spot in line for a fucking ZhuZhu pet. So I have to go back out & around. I tell another lady that they won't let us through because they want to avoid us stealing their spot in line, & she just goes off yelling. Not at me, but down the aisle, talking about rude bitches. Not that I minded, I felt the same way.

As I took the long way around, I pass people with my frames in their carts. I ask where they got them, they pointed me in the right direction. I look them over, other people come by & put them in their carts & walk off. I think, "Oh, so I guess this little stuff I can go ahead & get" so I pick up my boxes. At that point, an employee comes over running & screaming, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT! STOP THAT! IT'S NOT MIDNIGHT!" at me & another woman who had just done the same. She then makes the other lady empty her cart totally...even stuff that wasn't "Black Friday" deals. She made the lady put up her shampoo. She & I stood there, waiting & making small talk. While we do this, we see other people come through & pick up the frames & other things & walk away without any issues at all. Apparently, just me & this older lady weren't permitted to pick them up. OK.

We continue the small talk. Talking about a little craft set, her grandkids, my kids. I check my phone & it's about 10 till. We continue to talk.

A few minutes later...I hear a scream.

Seriously, it was a scream.

The lady & I looked at each other confused for a moment, but we realized that was our signal that it was time because we then heard grabbing, throwing, & more screaming.

Seriously, there were screams.

I was freaked out. But I got my craft set that I wasn't going to buy but I looked at it so long I felt like I should, then I got my frames. I then decided to go through the crowd.

I should have got my crazy ass home.

Most people were fine. Nice. Said they were sorry if they accidentally bumped into you or your cart. Everyone? Not so much.

I got whacked a few times. Not hard, but annoying. People have their babies & small kids out in this mess, sending them in & out of the crazy people. I see people with arms full of ZhuZhu pets & towels. People had this insane look in their eyes. Me? I looked confused.

I didn't know what else I wanted, but I determined to find more. So I walked around in the crazy ass mess & look at stuff. I'd decided that I wanted a $4 ZhuZhu pet. I can't find them. I ask an employee & he seems angry & tells me, "I don't know nothing about no toys." Was that a double or a triple negative? Does a triple negative even exist? I go down to another employee who tells me that they were all gone, they were gone in under a minute & goes into details about the crazy pushing & stuff that went on because of those damn things. I continue my search.

Finally, I pick up a baby toy that is like a giraffe ball popper. I didn't need it, hell I didn't even want it, but there were only a few so I figured I might as well. As I wait to continue my path, an employee is handing out Toy Story dolls. Jessies, Buzz Lightyears, & Woodys. Of course, nothing prepared me for her yelling, "I got a Woody here...anyone want this Woody? It's a Woody! Who wants this Woody I have for you? Come on, I know someone here wants my Woody!"

I finally let a giggle out because it's 12:30 in the morning & I'm listening to someones grandma offer me a Woody. I burst out laughing when a couple other women around me also started laughing. It was like we all felt safe doing it since someone else went first.

As I wonder, employees stop me & ask where I found my giraffe. Apparently, they are now sold out but people were still asking for them so they were wondering if more was put somewhere else. Then I had to get it, because it was automatically rare & special.

I continue my walking. I see tents. Pop up tents for kids. I knew Jules would like a small tent (I'll get to this in the next blog), so I finally decided to get it. It's a dino, it's cute.

A couple minutes later, I threatened to use it as a weapon.

A woman decided to run her cart into mine. Into the side. I couldn't move an inch. She wasn't tapping it. She was ramming it. Hard. Over & over. I say, "please be careful, you're pushing my cart into other people" since she was. She ignored me, if anything she kept getting harder. Over & over. Finally, I snapped like everyone else does eventually & said, "Listen lady, if you don't stop ramming my cart I'm going to use this pop up tent & pop it over your head as hard & often as you're running into my cart."

She stopped.

I didn't feel bad.

I continued walking, one more time. Just because. In the bike section, I find something. I wasn't sure, but I picked it up. I looked around as if someone was going to claim it. I put it in my cart, got out my sales paper. Went through page after page until I found this item. I checked the box, it was indeed one of the kind that was on sale.

What did I find, you're wondering?



Last in the store. And it was mine. MINE MINE MINE!


...I have issues. His name is Kingston. No, I didn't name him, that's his name according to the package. I studied it so, I'll never forget him.

With that, I decided to go check out & go home. Finally. It was 1am at this point.

Here is the lines.


Awesome, huh? And they just weren't moving. I waited in line for about 30 minutes.

I spent a whopping $97.

I go home, giddy with my awesomeness. I wasn't sure why I was awesome, but I just felt like I was. Of course that's really nothing new for me.

I get home with my prizes. Adam is, to say the least, underwhelmed. Guess you had to be part of the chase & kill to find any glory in my offerings.

But I did take pictures! Look at my amazing crap!

My frames!


Yeah...they are things that hold pictures. Black. With glass. Really special & worth getting yelled at. Totally.

My giraffe.


The balls will be gone within 20 minutes. It plays a whopping 2 songs. It's already on my nerves. I can't even spell giraffe without the aid of spell check & this hasn't inspired me to learn.

My tent.


Also makes a scary ass weapon.

My craft kit.


Because Jules doesn't already have crayons, markers, & other stuff. Suuuure....

While I was there I figured I'd do a little shopping.


Q-Tips! What, your ears don't get dirty?

And finally...


PJ's! Lame, nothing special about them PJ's. But they were $4. I'm sure they are originally like $6. My ZhuZhu pet? I got it for $4, down from the mind blowing price of $7.

I felt lame, like I should have bought more. There were a few good deals, like $19 table & chair sets for kids, but we already have a set. A dude in line offered me the last steam mop in the store, I guess they got one too many, but I didn't need it. They had 24 packs of play doh for like $5, but we already had the same thing for Jules. So I didn't need any of the stuff I encountered. OK, I didn't need any of the stuff I bought. But I needed to get this "I want to go out on Black Friday" thing out of my system.

But the more I think about it...the more I want to do it again. I suddenly don't want to buy anything in advance & on sale like I usually do. I want to save that money for a Black Friday fund & go out to kick some shopping ass. To be angry, violent, & up way too late just to save about $15 total.

I thought I was going to need a xanax to calm down after I got home. I was scared, so I hid.


Then I peeked.


Then I peeked a little more.


Then I just wanted it to stop!


Jules better appreciate my ZhuZhu pet. That's all I know.

Speaking of Jules...his birthday party is the 11th. He'll be a big boy the age of 3 on the 14th. Me? I'm sad. I asked him to stop growing. He told me no. Even worse, I've started working again. I'm a substitute teacher. I really like it, I'm doing elementary schools & yesterday I did pre-school, which actually made me feel like I was cheating on Jules. I work where & when I want, as often as I want. But with the holidays & stuff, I'm trying to work alot before Christmas break so I can get a decent paycheck during the holiday break. So I'm away from the kids everyday, for the bulk part of the day. They don't mind, they are fine & happy, but I'm sad. After this month I'm just going to do it 2-3 times a week, but this week I have & chances are next week I'll do all 5 days. I try to tell myself that it'll be worth it when I can buy an extra Iron Man toy for Jules.

But enough downer stuff. Wanna see what funny I did?


I wrote "I *heart* Penis!" on Adam's car window. And I did it on the inside & backwards so the would could read it.

Enjoy that. And the mental image of me beating some woman over the head with a pop-up tent.

A fun holiday blog will be up this weekend. And by fun, I mean awkward & weird.


  1. Hilarious. Last year some lady told my sis in law she could have a leapster so she grabbed the one the lady was holding, pushed her into a stack of toys and ran. I made the mistake of going into walmart on my lunch break at 2:30 am. People were sitting in the aisles waiting for 5 am to roll around. Insanity for sure!

  2. LOL! that was hilarious. I will never, I repeat, NEVER go shopping on black Friday. I get into enough arguments doing regular shopping so I don't even want to think of how it would be like with the assholes that live in my city on that horrible day....

  3. Oh my GOD your story made me @_@ lol. I wish I could go with you- we'd intimidate the hell outta some women.

  4. I just discovered your blog, and I laughed so hard at this post. I went out on Black Friday this year for the very first time, and this is seriously the same insanity I encountered. Black Friday makes me fear what the state of humanity will be if we ever fall into anarchy.

  5. This was year 13 for me, I started in high school!
    Oh and I just bought those frames from my WalMart for $7 :) and they still have a ton of the PJs too!!

    I was excited I scored one of the Shark Steam Mops!



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