Sunday, December 19, 2010

Hmph.

I come here to blog, but I can't find the words.

Instead I look at the little flashing thing that is practically screaming, "type, lady!" while I listen to Hoarders in the background, with the sound of the fish tank filter running (yes, we now have a fish tank). We have a lovely Christmas tree, lit up & cheerful.

But be writing tonight doesn't work out. Because if I did, I'd be writing just like when I go through the other motions of life. When I talk to people. When I go shopping. When I talk to family. When I go to the post office. When the collection agency calls about their now $187 that I refuse to pay for "care" rendered to us while I was pregnant with Joel. When people ask how I am, what's going on, or anything else. I usually answer "fine." Sometimes I say I'm tired, once I said I was sick. But the truth is this.

My kid died.

But that kinda kills the "how are you?" I then ask. I'm actually not thinking of it as a snarky comment, but that really sums up how I feel.

I wonder if people, strangers, can tell something tragic happened to me.

I wonder if those who know look at me & think about it when I'm talking to them.

I wonder if they are scared to mention it. Or if they are scared that I'll mention it.

I wonder that if I died, would people sit around & make small talk, never mentioning anything surrounding my existence?

There are only a handful of people around me in my life that acknowledge him. That actually say or write his name. I'm thankful for those people. I don't think it'd bother me so much still if people ever did before. I don't expect people to talk about my dead baby every time they see me for the rest of my life, but jeesh. Once he was...I was going to say when, but the truth is that no one ever said his name. He didn't have a name until a couple weeks before he died. And then, no one cared. He was then the dead baby I was to deliver. He was always just a thing. I hate the people who make me feel like that.

Holy fuck, I hate the holidays.

How am I? I'm a dead baby mom, that's how I am.


I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.


Yep, I can even steal quotes from prison movies to remind me of my dead baby. I'm that talented. Gold star to anyone who knows it (without google, of course).

10 comments:

  1. Antoinette (butterfly kisses for alyssa marie blog)December 19, 2010 at 4:10 PM

    I seen your post pop up in my blogger, but I dont remember reading here before. I just wanted to comment and tell you DITTO on your whole post. I was at a party a few weeks back, first one i attended since she died and not ONE person except the one I talk to regularly mentioned her name, they didnt say a WORD about her. Im sure their response would be "I didnt wanna bring it up to make you cry" well SHit then I guess I wont be bringing up anything ever again to anyone JUST in case it will make them cry.

    Also I wanted to guess if your quote was from shawshank redemptions when the old man lets his bird out of the window...lol...sounded like it would have made a good point at that part.

    Ill be thinking of you as I am sick of this month and this week for that matter wont be any easier...

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Antoinette (butterfly kisses for alyssa marie blog)December 19, 2010 at 4:10 PM

    I seen your post pop up in my blogger, but I dont remember reading here before. I just wanted to comment and tell you DITTO on your whole post. I was at a party a few weeks back, first one i attended since she died and not ONE person except the one I talk to regularly mentioned her name, they didnt say a WORD about her. Im sure their response would be "I didnt wanna bring it up to make you cry" well SHit then I guess I wont be bringing up anything ever again to anyone JUST in case it will make them cry.

    Also I wanted to guess if your quote was from shawshank redemptions when the old man lets his bird out of the window...lol...sounded like it would have made a good point at that part.

    Ill be thinking of you as I am sick of this month and this week for that matter wont be any easier...

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. Antoinette (butterfly kisses for alyssa marie blog)December 19, 2010 at 4:11 PM

    I seen your post pop up in my blogger, but I dont remember reading here before. I just wanted to comment and tell you DITTO on your whole post. I was at a party a few weeks back, first one i attended since she died and not ONE person except the one I talk to regularly mentioned her name, they didnt say a WORD about her. Im sure their response would be "I didnt wanna bring it up to make you cry" well SHit then I guess I wont be bringing up anything ever again to anyone JUST in case it will make them cry.

    Also I wanted to guess if your quote was from shawshank redemptions when the old man lets his bird out of the window...lol...sounded like it would have made a good point at that part.

    Ill be thinking of you as I am sick of this month and this week for that matter wont be any easier...

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. shit jess, i'm just so sorry. it sucks beyond my ability to express. i am sorry joel is gone from this earth. joel, joel...i love his name.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yup I'm with you. No one says a thing, like I'm supposed to bring it up or something so "how's it going, my baby and I'd like to talk about it." It fucking sucks and that's all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yep, Shawshank. Though it's when Morgan Freeman is talking as Red once Andy has escaped.

    To talk more about quotes, one from Elizabeth Edwards not long ago. I can't find it & forget the word for word aspect of it, but it was something along the lines that people who don't mention it assume we don't want to be reminded, but the truth is that we never forget.

    As blunt as I am, I'm not this way with everyone in the real world. I've mentioned it around the people who ignore him, but they continue to ignore. Either they ignore me as well, or think I'm not talking about them.

    In a couple days, it'll be 4 years since my uncle died due to pill addiction induced medical problems. He died on his couch. Was there a couple days before anyone found him, because it's what he did, he went into hiding & binged. I'm sure everyone in the family will call each other, talk about him, mention his name. And that's good, because he was a good man, he just lost himself in his addiction. And he was loved. But May 28th will, once again, be forgotten. A child, someone who did nothing anyone could argue as bad or wrong, will not get any credit for his short time on earth.

    I'm really not sure what's worse, having to deal with the pain of his death or the pain of validating his life for the rest of mine.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "If you know someone who has lost a child, and
    you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad
    by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't
    forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered
    that they lived, and that is a great gift."~Elizabeth Edwards

    I love that quote from her.

    And Jess I totally agree with everything you've said. I'm lucky enough to have a few close friends who will call Ian by name, or talk to me about him, but they're all dead baby parents too. I guess all those people are lucky enough to not know how it feels...

    And PS I love that you refuse to say that you "lost" Joel. I hate saying it, but I also hate the way people will flinch away from you if you say that they're dead.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey jess, I am so sorry the holidays suck ass. I have boys the same ages as yours and i had a miscarriage in between, so i hope that lets me ask you a few questions. Does being angry that other people don't know how to address joel, make you feel better? Are you angry that he's gone or that people don't know how to handle the situation? I sorta get the feeling that you are angry but really everyone deals differently so can you blame them for not wanting to bring him up for their own sakes? Others not saying his name will not make you feel better or worse or make him any less real. If you feel better bringing his name up more, then do it and others will catch on.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes, I'm angry. I'm angry that people talk about my 2 boys. I'm angry that people talk about how many great grandsons my grandparents have & skip him in their count. People don't even attempt to "handle" the situation. I mention him, people have literally walked away & talked to other people about happy things. The closest anyone has come to mentioning him was saying "the baby that never came" once. People talked about how maybe one day Jules could be an older brother after Joel died. I really think that's just shameful to be perfectly honest. And be perfectly blunt, I say fuck their sake. If the worse part of the situation for them is them having to talk about him existing & being dead, I think they kinda get off easy compared to others. I'm personally upset & uncomfortable about discussing anyone who died, it's a damn sad situation of course. But that sure doesn't make it fair to those who loved that person, to never mention them or act as though they never existed. Like I kinda hit on in my post, when I'm dead I hope people don't avoid me & my name because I'm gone. I find that a very sad thing for anyone, baby or adult.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I totally understand the anger and love the quotes... Some days I just want to hear Kaelen's name... But it just doesn't happen much anymore... Hugs.

    ReplyDelete

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