Sunday, November 14, 2010

When toys attack.

Jules has the memory of an elephant. For example, he'll ask for his paper. Give him paper, & he'll look at you stupid. He'll then say, "no mommy, my paper with the blue lines with the small, 1/2 inch fold in the upper left hand corner with some cheese sauce smudge, & the red blur from the paint I spilled. THAT paper!"

OK, so he doesn't say that, but you get the point. Some time ago he got a Superman vinyl inflatable thing. You know those cheap things at carnivals? One of those. It got ripped, couldn't be fixed. We left it laying in our house for a month. Then, finally, Adam announced he was throwing it away.

About 2 weeks later, Jules was sad because he couldn't find his Superman. Adam tried explaining it was broke but that did no good, of course.

So Jules was sad. And he cried. Not a "give me what I want!" cry, but a sad cry for his Superman. I, as a mother, was heartbroken.

I looked at Adam. "Fix this." He didn't know how, he asked if he should go buy one somewhere. "No, go to the basement, you have to have one. Or hell, you have all of those things, bring them all up for him, what can it hurt? He'll love them."

OK, I know you're confused. What things in the basement?

Well, you see, I married a dork.

The apartment my husband lived in before moving in with me & living in sin (yeah, we shacked up before we were married & did it everywhere in that apartment, even on the kitchen counter, so ha!)...he had a toy display. Yes, toys. Like, action heros. The boxes of comics were bad enough, but he had toys. Tons of toys. Like I said, he had many on display.

And yes, I still dated him. And had sex with him, with the toys staring at us. It was weird looking back on it. But hey, he let me keep my toys (of the adult nature) so he of course kept his. But, eventually, we needed room. And his stuff was banished to the basement.

Back to the present. I knew the husband had something in the basement that would make Jules happy. And, with his recent addiction to super heroes, I knew he'd like it all. So Adam finally had to share his toys.

Hey, don't feel bad for him. He shouldn't have thrown Superman away.

Jules wanted to go to the basement, so to distract him I told him daddy was getting a surprise for him. He asked if it was a present. I said yes. I told him to cover his eyes. He did this.

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Close enough.

When it was time, he was a bit confused.

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As he explored, Adam...well, take a look.

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Oh yeah, he wasn't into the idea of sharing. At all.

Months ago, when I was trying to get Jules to play with something & Adam lectured me on letting him play with his toys how he wanted. I shouldn't tell him how to play with toys, let him use his own imagination.

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I enjoyed his pained expression. I knew that meant he now knew how to felt to see your kid play with their toys wrong.

As Jules in like a kid who just realized there is a toy store in his basement, I decide to go through these things myself. In case you don't know, action figures are hilarious. Let's check some out.

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First, I noticed this dude. This dude was noticeable because, well, he had a great big green penis thing. I asked Adam what I was holding, acting as if I was stupid, he asked, "what do you think it looks like?"

It looks like a fucking long ass green thing coming off some green guys ass, which is a long name for an action figure.

He corrected me, it was "Scorpion." Oh, OK, whatever. My answer was better.

Then I find proof I married the biggest dork around.

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This is Dead Pool. I guess that's how it's spelled. But he wasn't REALLY dead pool.

MY HUSBAND PAINTED HIS OWN DEAD POOL FIGURE.

Acting as if this was totally normal, he explained they didn't sell the figure at the time so he painted his own. I was a bit weirded out. At that moment, we were both probably wondering why we married each other, but for totally different reasons.

But I must admit, he did a decent job.

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Be impressed. Then scared. Then laugh.

This I found this.

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Yay for my 2 year olds new toys.

Then I found this dude.

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Scarecrow. It's like if a scarecrow & Freddy Kruger had a baby. And that baby was turned into an action figure for people to waste money on.

Then I found this thing.

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WTF?

Seriously.

Look at this friendly fellow.

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How did my husband ever get laid? What was wrong with me? I'm really not sure who this collection makes look worse, him or me.

I kept looking for something I'd recognize. Finally, I found something!

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A pirate. A no name pirate. But at least it had no spikes, penis like tails, or weapons. Arrggghhh.

Jules continued his joy. Look, a car!

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My living room, it was destroyed.

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But really that's nothing new.

Spiderman was feeling cool riding as a passenger in the batmobile.

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Adam looked over his kingdom of junk...I mean treasured toys.

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Jules loved this thing, he says it's a giant.

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And he's really friendly. I know this because he gave me a high five!

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I swear my kids own clothes, not just diapers. But you'll have to take my word for it since I never seem to get pictures of them in clothing.

I went back to talk to the husband, comfort him a bit. Then I found this.

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A Star Wars Pez dispenser. Oh wait, look!

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Fresh pez candy.

And by fresh, I mean ass load old. Yummy.

If we didn't have an ass load of cats, I'm pretty sure this forgotten food would mean mice or something. Maybe I should finally go down to the basement & find out what horrors are down there. That'd be a fun blog.

In other news, I somehow injured my shoulder. So I can't do much of anything with my right arm now, even laying on my back hurts. I did it somehow in my normal, daily activities. I tried to think up a cool way to say I hurt myself, but I couldn't come up with anything. I asked Adam to make up a story for me, & all he came up with was I hurt myself giving a hand job. Somehow, I think that's worse that doing it while washing my hair or opening a soda. I'd go to the doctor, but I'm seriously so paranoid about being labeled a medication seeker with a random pain that I can't really prove that I have, I refuse to go. So I'll just sit & bitch until it gets better. That's how I roll.

4 comments:

  1. Love love love this post. Greg is the same way. Assloads of toys that have weird names. Some are still in their pristine boxes. He has painted his own characters as well. I think his most prized possession is a Tick that is green like a booger. It might even be a booger Tick. I don't know. At least Adam doesn't have them still nailed to his wall. My husband does. and he has a little shrine on top of his dresser full of toys as well. Weird.

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  2. haha I am a nerd and I don't even recognize half of those figures! I do enjoy the scarecrow / freddy one though. I may have to get one on ebay!

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  3. Ok, I had the joy of knowing Adam when you two first started dating adn he came in to work with new comic books EVERY SINGLE PAYDAY!! After reading them, he would very neatly place them in a protective sleeve. I specifically remember when the two of you had decided to more in together and he spent some rediculous amount of money on boxes that were made special for storing comic books. He then spent 4 days at work organizing them and after being a dumbass and asking him who one of the character were; he gave me a 45 minute lesson on the villans and superhero's that he loved most LOL When I was pregnant he mentioned one day that he couldn't wait to be a dad someday so he could play with his kids toys HEHE so it's so funny seeing him have to give up his own toys to his son. I'm glad you love him 'cause your definately married to a big dorkie kid and if you didn't marry him than he'd probably still be single!!! LOVE THIS BLOG

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  4. Too Funny, glad he likes them!!

    My husband and my 2yo play with Star Trek action figures every night!! They started out as my husband's and than my son started asking for them, now they are my son's!

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