Saturday, November 27, 2010

The constant cycle of dead baby problems.

Every time I think I've hit a point in my life where I've dealt with most of the issues surrounding being the parent of a dead baby, I find another.

I should just stop jinxing myself, shouldn't I?

Anyway, black Friday shopping (the next blog...oh my) allowed me to get frames. Lots of frames to hang our recent family shots, along with other pictures we've been meaning to hang. For example, our wedding picture. Yes, we've been married for almost 4 years & it's still not hanging up. It's been in a frame even. We're just...not good at doing shit. It happens.

I have 11x14's of the boys. My plan was to hang them in the bedroom, where we keep Joel's corner shelf of stuff &, well, him. But I thought it'd be nice on one wall to have our wedding picture, then the pictures of the kids below it. This wall is in my living room.

See where I'm going with this?

Now, I'm all for dead baby pictures. I wrote a blog, which is still close to my heart, all about them. Check it out here. But...it's hard.

First of all...what if people come to my house & just stare at it. Look around awkwardly. Think it's weird, but not saying anything. How angry or hurt will I be?

Or what is someone flat out looks bothered or looks at it with a sour look on their face? Or heaven forbid says something. Is it still assault if they are in my house & I punch them?

And finally, the worse part really...do I want to look at it constantly?

I don't know.

And for that, I'm ashamed. Because I love him. And I miss him. But I can't stand to look at the picture all the time. I can't decide if it's just painful, or if it's just my fears for the above reasons.

The timing aspect is bad as well. I'm the person who likes to ease into things. Maybe have a playdate with the picture up, then have a couple friends or family over, then a gathering. But Jules is having a birthday party on the 11th. So I'm going to have around 20 people in my house. And curious kids. And people without tact (ah, family). And if I didn't like the look or comment from someone, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm not sure if I'd curse them out. I'm not sure if I'd just freeze up & be sad later that I didn't say something. Or maybe I'd just run out of the room crying hysterically. I'm really not sure.

Screw you society for making me even second guess my idea of putting a picture in my own home. Screw you some people I know who don't acknowledge Joel for making me worry about putting it way too in your face. And screw me for even worrying about any of this. My house. We pay for it every month (OK, so it's the banks house). I paid for the print. I paid for the frame. Our nails & our hammer will hang it. But I still feel the need to take a poll among people & ask, "do you think it's normal?"

And the right answer to that really is, "what is normal about dead babies in general?"

15 comments:

  1. I don't see why you shouldn' t be able to put up a picture of Joel. He was a big part of your life that you lost too soon, and people should respect that you would want to remember him. If you are going to put pictures of the rest of the family up, he should go there too. Some people won' t like it and screw them if they don' t. It' s up to you and Adam not them.

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  2. This is Amanda by the way. Posting on my phone. I'm not signed in.... oops.

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  3. Hang it and be proud of it!

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  4. i'm not sure if i've commented here before. hi! i'm beth.
    we've been married 6.5 years and still don't have any wedding photos up. so you have a while still. to my mind at least!

    anyway, there was an article on glow in the woods a while back about pictures of dead babies and displaying them and i thought maybe it might be useful for you? it's here
    http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2010/1/4/reflections-on-baby-photos-three-voices.html

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  5. Who in the world knows what is and what isn't NORMAL?? All I know is that your kids make you happy. Anyone who reads your blogs or knows you can see that for themselves. And if you want to have pictures in your living room of ALL 3 of your beautiful boys, then hang them up proudly. If anyone in your family makes a negative comment about the pics of Joel, just say "We'll I just thank god that Joel's picture is up there and NOT yours because I couldn't bear sitting on my couch and staring at your ugly mug every day!"

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  6. Who in the world knows what is and what isn't NORMAL?? All I know is that your kids make you happy. Anyone who reads your blogs or knows you can see that for themselves. And if you want to have pictures in your living room of ALL 3 of your beautiful boys, then hang them up proudly. If anyone in your family makes a negative comment about the pics of Joel, just say "We'll I just thank god that Joel's picture is up there and NOT yours because I couldn't bear sitting on my couch and staring at your ugly mug every day!"

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  7. Eff people. Do what YOU want to do for YOURSELF and tell anyone else to screw off.

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  8. ella's pictures are in my bedroom. sometimes i wish i could display around my house as i do ella's. but, as happy as they make me, they also make me very sad. i understand what you're trying to say. sorry i don't have any words of wisdom. just, hugs. xo

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  9. Really what is normal? I have Ian's pictures hanging in my bedroom next to him. People see them all the time because I live in a shitty apartment where you have to enter through the bedroom (yeah). I have never had anyone say anything mean or disrespectful. I get questions from people that have never seen him, so that can be hard. I think you should hang them. If anyone has a problem with it, they can leave right?

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  10. You know, Adrian and I put up an altar for Valentina on Halloween. At first, I didn't know how I would feel about seeing her all the time, or how Adrian would react to having her there. We have both found that it is EXTREMELY comforting to the soul to look over and see her sweet little face, dead or not. She's there. And its awesome. And everyone who has come over (we warn them about the pictures, just tell them "just so you know, we have some pictures up, so you're prepared.") they have been so amazingly supportive.

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  11. I look at it this way... my mom died when I was younger and I have her picture up. My grandpa died earlier this year and I have his picture up. At my grandma's house there are tons of pictures of loved ones gone on. If ppl don't want to see my dead babies pics, screw them they can leave! My house, my pictures.

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  12. I was going to write something along the lines of what Marie said.

    There shouldn't be anything 'weird' or 'creepy' about having photos of deceased family members in your home. Despite that they are no longer with you, they are still someone you love and miss.

    I think you should hang them, he is your son. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I can understand your fear of being sad when seeing them, but I believe your love for him far outweighs your sadness. I think he deserves a place on the wall, regardless of who is made uncomfortable.

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  13. I've been reading your blog for a while now and I haven't commented because the last thing I'd want to do is say something that comes off wrong. But I'd like to comment here. Screw what everyone else thinks. Screw. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. You do what you need to do to cope with a loss most people can't understand. Put that picture up! You and your husband are the only people who can decide what is needed and deserved and right in terms of Joel. If his picture ends up causing you distress, you can always take it down or move it somewhere that works better for you, maybe a place you don't look at all the time but that you do still see and you can go when you want. If anyone has the audacity to make a negative comment about a photo containing a member of your family - dead or alive - (even if they ARE family), tell them to leave and not come back until they can have the manners of a decent guest. Especially if they feel the need to be that rude at Jules' birthday party! Seriously. Not. The. Time. For. That. (though there really is a time for that nonsense) I can't imagine going to someone's home and making negative comments about their furniture, let alone their choice in family photos.While this is a topic that is taboo, it shouldn't be. The loss of a child can't be measured by age and everybody deals with the loss of loved ones differently, regardless of who those loved ones are. There can't be right and wrong and normal and weird in how you handle the grief you feel. So you do what you feel is right and you tell anyone who has a problem with that to suck it!

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  14. That should have said "(though there really ISN'T a time for that nonsense)" - freakin' typos

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  15. I think you should put his picture up. But what if you did it in a different kind of frame, one that can be open and shut depending on how you are feeling that day?
    http://www.amazon.com/Cross-Photo-Frame/dp/B000S75118

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