Every time I think I've hit a point in my life where I've dealt with most of the issues surrounding being the parent of a dead baby, I find another.
I should just stop jinxing myself, shouldn't I?
Anyway, black Friday shopping (the next blog...oh my) allowed me to get frames. Lots of frames to hang our recent family shots, along with other pictures we've been meaning to hang. For example, our wedding picture. Yes, we've been married for almost 4 years & it's still not hanging up. It's been in a frame even. We're just...not good at doing shit. It happens.
I have 11x14's of the boys. My plan was to hang them in the bedroom, where we keep Joel's corner shelf of stuff &, well, him. But I thought it'd be nice on one wall to have our wedding picture, then the pictures of the kids below it. This wall is in my living room.
See where I'm going with this?
Now, I'm all for dead baby pictures. I wrote a blog, which is still close to my heart, all about them. Check it out here. But...it's hard.
First of all...what if people come to my house & just stare at it. Look around awkwardly. Think it's weird, but not saying anything. How angry or hurt will I be?
Or what is someone flat out looks bothered or looks at it with a sour look on their face? Or heaven forbid says something. Is it still assault if they are in my house & I punch them?
And finally, the worse part really...do I want to look at it constantly?
I don't know.
And for that, I'm ashamed. Because I love him. And I miss him. But I can't stand to look at the picture all the time. I can't decide if it's just painful, or if it's just my fears for the above reasons.
The timing aspect is bad as well. I'm the person who likes to ease into things. Maybe have a playdate with the picture up, then have a couple friends or family over, then a gathering. But Jules is having a birthday party on the 11th. So I'm going to have around 20 people in my house. And curious kids. And people without tact (ah, family). And if I didn't like the look or comment from someone, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm not sure if I'd curse them out. I'm not sure if I'd just freeze up & be sad later that I didn't say something. Or maybe I'd just run out of the room crying hysterically. I'm really not sure.
Screw you society for making me even second guess my idea of putting a picture in my own home. Screw you some people I know who don't acknowledge Joel for making me worry about putting it way too in your face. And screw me for even worrying about any of this. My house. We pay for it every month (OK, so it's the banks house). I paid for the print. I paid for the frame. Our nails & our hammer will hang it. But I still feel the need to take a poll among people & ask, "do you think it's normal?"
And the right answer to that really is, "what is normal about dead babies in general?"