Sunday, October 3, 2010

My dead baby is in a cabin in the woods, who knew?

How's that for a subject?

Tonight Adam asked if I wanted to do a visualization he had to do in his grad class tonight. Golly gee, sure!

He props me up in some uncomfortable position with proper posture. Turns the lights out & makes me close my eyes.

Now, my first thought is that he's going to use this chance to grab my boob or something, so I'm on guard.

First I Have to do some stupid flex & relax various parts of my body. Finally, he tells me to imagine I'm walking on a road alone.

I would never walk, much less a road alone, but whatever. I picture myself on an open road like out in the dessert. I don't know why, but that seemed to make sense. In movies that's what you see. He then tells me a country road with a trail or path. Shit. Gotta imagine trees. I also wouldn't go into a forest, but oh well.

He told me to walk the path until I come to a clearing, where a house is. A random cabin pops up because there wasn't one at first. I felt like I was in a bad kids show at this point.

He tells me to go into the house.

Fuck no, I don't want to. I'm not going into a strangers house in the woods. But he makes me, after I nod "no" many times. So I do. I look around the house, he then tells me to take the stairs.


Jeesh. So I have to pop stairs into this house. I go up them. I'm on a landing, which I didn't imagine until he told me but whatever. He then tells me to open the door.

I figured it'd end there, so I was going to be a smart ass & tell him there was nothing behind the door because the damn stairs & door weren't suppose to be there. But, of course, he doesn't go that route. Nope, we can't do that.

"Walk into the room, look, find something special to just you. Pick it up. Take it out of the room, down the stairs, out of the house, up the path, & back to the road."

As soon as I hear that I should find an object, I get tears in my eyes & feel like a fucking freak because I just imagined finding my dead baby, not dead fyi, because who does that?

Afterward, he ask me what my object was. I tell him "my dead baby" & he tells me he had the same thing. He also tells me how the professor said not to do this with students because it can be very emotionally upsetting.


Jeesh. Have I said that yet? Jeesh.

So now I want to throw myself off a bridge. Good times, good times.

And after this, I realize I'm on day 3 of forgetting to pick up my zoloft refill. Yeah, I know that stuff last like 2 weeks before you get it out of your system, but on a night like tonight I feel the need to double dose. And when I remember this, I blurt out "oh man!" which reminds me of Swiper from Dora the Explorer & that's a whole separate issue I'm sure.

If you're asking yourself, "shouldn't she be over this by now?" you should promptly go fuck yourself.

It's October. You may know that it's the month of Halloween & whatever random days on observed in this month, but it's dead baby month around here. I have a interwebz peep whose son, Jack, died. Her blog is here. She posted an entry about 30 Questions for 30 Days. It's 30 questions for the month of October. I'm not dedicated enough, nor do I really have things that apply to all 30 questions, so I'm going to do a few of them. Since it's now the 3rd in my part of the world, we'll go with this one.

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

Are there wrong answers? Because I bet I'm the only person with this answer.

Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.

Hear me out here, please.

I was very pregnant with Joel when hislast Late Night aired. Being a hormonal pregnant woman, I cried. We often joked that Joel would come late & be born during the first night that Tonight Show with Conan premiered. Well, that didn't happen. Instead, he died. And at some point after he died (at this point I don't even remember if it was before or after Joel's service, though I'm thinking it was the Monday before, the same day we planned the service), it came on. And it gave us something to do, something to look forward to. And we laughed as Conan took his first audience on a tour, went in circles, & bought them all gifts at the Dollar Store. I'd post a clip, but NBC likes to pretend Conan's Tonight Show never existed. I remember nothing about that show besides the intro where he ran across the country to a Cheap Trick song (Surrender) & that tour & the "circle!" chant. It's also known as the only hour during that time I didn't think about throwing myself in front of a train. And I think that was the first hour since I found out Joel was dead that I didn't want to just, well, die.

So thanks, Conan, for giving me something to do but plan my own demise.

Oh, & since NBC hates Conan but I wanted to add a clip, I looked this one up. This was the one Conan said on his last late night that he'd want shown if he died & they could only show one clip.

Everyone watch & LOL alot because this was almost impossible to find (at least a decent copy was). Damn you NBC.


  1. I don't want to play that imagination game. I'd end up a heaping snotty mess on the floor. But maybe it's one of those mental exercises that my therapist told me about that are suppose to make you feel better? I hope it did make you feel a little better, though.

    Great clip! Conan ROCKS! I've had a HUGE crush on him for years.

  2. Sadly it didn't. I think it's one of those things you need, well, training on going full circle & getting some healing from. Me? I ended up trying hard to keep myself from being a snotty mess on the floor.

    I'm pretty sure if I meet Conan one day, I'll have to offer to blow him. Adam, too. No, not me offer to blow Adam, offer Adam up to blow Conan.

  3. Is there any significance to the path and the house & stairs & stuff or just what's on the other side?

    I want to say more but I an't think clearly enough to say anything other than duuuuhhhhh *drool*.

  4. the path and what-not are supposed to be generic places to try and separate you from any particular memory, although I suppose what kind of place you imagine for any of it could be analyzed.

    I honestly didn't think it would "work" for Jess cause she tends to laugh at all these 'hippie' writing exercises I have to do.

    and the best part about blowing Conan is that he is so tall you won't have to bend awkwardly.

  5. I can't believe people think you should be "over" Joel.

    My mom had a stillbirth in 1975. She went on to have 4 beautful girls not that I'm biased or anything.

    If you asked her when she got over it, she would reply never. She's never gotten over it.

    So anyone who thinks you should be over Joel, well they can go screw themselves.



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