Monday, October 11, 2010

The missing days...days 9-11

Life has been busy. A baby shower with old friends, then a meet up with new friends. Then a Monday where I did nothing I was suppose to. Not bad really. Well, some minor drama, but nothing worth moaning & groaning least not now.

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

I posted this online with the caption, "everyone wave at the crazy lady."

The real caption should have been, "Hi, my baby died 3 weeks ago & all anyone can fucking say to me is how they can't believe how well I"m getting around, which makes no sense since I didn't die, though I kinda wish I did, of course there is still time. Why the hell are we having a cook out? Whose fucking idea was this? Is my zoloft ready yet? Because I need it. Stop looking at me like that. How? You THAT. Like you want to give me some pep talk, but aren't sure where to start. Trust me, you're right, you have no idea where to start. How about this...leave me the fuck alone & stop watching me like I'm a dancing bear. Yes, I just said fuck. Go fuck yourself if you don't like that, I'm damn near 30, married, have kids, & just had a funeral for one of them, I can fucking curse if I want to. Fuck off."

Sadly, there wasn't enough room for that caption.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

I'd like to do this, but sadly I don't have access to any of my past. Weird, huh? Not that it would give me some uplifting story, it may just make me want to jump off a bridge again.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.


Blair was a hairy monkey with a heck of a nose. Thankfully, he grew into it. Despite the family bullshit, nothing that day was ruined. So take that people who try to ruin things. :b I also feel weird knowing what a hell of a year it'd been. It was 4 days after the one year mark of Joel's memorial service that The Blair was born. And for the first few weeks, I was waiting on him to die, too. Thankfully, I've gotten over that. And my scar healed quite nicely as well. :D That's something else, as not pro-csection I am, I don't regret that at all. I'm not going to become one of those people who tell people, "a healthy baby is all that matters, who cares how they get here?!" but I know for me, the c-section was a good decision. Of course, a c-section with a living baby following a normal birth with a dead baby, well, it's hard not to improve on that feeling of complete & utter misery.

I also feel like that cross placement in the picture is creepy.

Family pictures with Valarie Decker this week, woohoo! She made Blair look as cute as humanly possible in pictures, so I'm sure I'll come out looking like Hedi Klum. Right, Valarie?! Right!

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