Monday, October 18, 2010

Iz have a sad.

I apologize in advance, this is going to be a rambling blog. I'm not sure where it's going, I'm not sure if I should warn you it'll be long or short. I'm not sure how depressed or desperate I may end up sounding in it. But I do know that, as much as I joke about it, I'm not jumping off a bridge anytime soon or anything, so no one panic! And though I'm blah, I'm not nearly as bad as this post may make it seems, so again, no one panic!

I'm sad.

Yeah, OK, no shit. I get a pass at that, right? I've been through alot.

But boy, am I sad.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life, my peeps, & everything in it. But the things that aren't good...boy, are they shitty. And they make me sad.

Now, I have a psychology degree. I have psychology syndrome...I read it, therefore I have it. I still remember a professor telling us, as we looked through our DSM, that "you'll think you have all of this...but you don't!" That was good enough for me to keep denying my crazy! So I always take those things with a grain of salt, like I know I'm sad & I worry alot, but that's normal. We're all sad. We all worry. I just had a baby, I'm hormonal. It happens.

But at what point is it a problem? At what point am I abnormal? The term normal is pretty subjective, but what exactly makes abnormal?

I'm sad. I make sure to make that word funny looking because just typing sad doesn't cut it. And, again, that's pretty damn normal from what I've been through.

I worry that my kids will get kidnapped. Like, not just a little worry like every parent has. I have complete stories in my head about how it'd go gone. I hate leaving my house for more than a few hours because I'm scared it will catch fire, I can see my pets dying in the fire, burning to death. Shit, I can't even wash laundry without checking everything well, just in case a cat is in it. I picture cats dying in my washer. I turn the oven on & I picture something being in there dying. Even when I check, I imagine opening it after it's pre-heated & finding something dead. I think about people breaking into my house & killing me in front of my kids or hurting them. I worry.

I know all of this is irrational. Really, I do. But shit, it scares me. Sometimes I worry until I get a headache. I worry until my chest hurts. I worry.

I'm sad. I'm sad over so much. I'm sad that my husbands family sucks. I'm sad about things with my own family. I'm sad that I'm not allowed to be sad. I'm sad that my son is dead. I'm sad that I feel like a failure at times & I'm not even sure why. I'm sad that I can't make everything work out how I want it to. I'm sad. I'm sad that I worry. Then I worry because I'm sad.

It's an evil cycle.

I convince myself that I should do this or that. Then, in the middle of it, I don't care anymore. I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to do any part of it. Depending on what it is, I get too worried to go through with it. Again, some of this is normal. But, again, how much is normal? And is this really me or am I convincing myself something is wrong because I know the signs of things more than random people off the street do? Or maybe I'm worse off than I even realize because despite my knowledge of things, have I ignored & avoided all the signs for so long that now it's so bad that I can't help but to see it all in front of me?

I've always had, uh, issues. I use to have an issue with numbers. I'd count every & any thing. If the count of, for example, words wasn't a number I liked I'd sit & restructure it to hit a number of words I liked. Not just my words...written words, other peoples words, lines in movies. There was really no limit. I've gotten better over the years, I don't do that anymore.

Now I just worry about my cats catching on fire or my kids having something terrible happen to them. How vivid or in detail are those thoughts? So vivid & detailed that it's disturbing to me, that I can see it happening. I make myself stop & go on with life, I can control it well like that. But is it normal to even think these things?

Basically, I've always been crazy. But when does crazy turn into crazy? And is this as good as it gets?

Sad thing (just sad, not sad) is that really I just fell like "well shit, I'm crazy, that makes sense, I'm going to quit everything & just accept that I'm a crazy person! Yay, crazy!"

I really just don't know what to do with myself. And I don't really care. I just don't want to have to do it. Does that make sense? I mean of course I want to take care of my family & spend time with them...but much past that? Nope, not at all. I feel like I'm lazy, that's all that rings in my head. I can't believe how lazy I am. I was always told I was a lazy kid. Seriously. I was a chubby kid who was too lazy to exercise. I got bad grades because I was too lazy to do homework. But I wasn't. I was so sad back then. I didn't give a fuck. I wanted my life to end at some points because things were just so bad. I don't even think like that now, but the lazy remains. But I wonder now, is the word lazy just a shitty label I was given? Maybe I should have received some sort of help back then. Maybe I'm ruined because I didn't. Maybe I would have been happier if I hadn't just been labeled lazy. Maybe I wouldn't be sitting here now, in shock of how lazy I continue to be when I'm not actually lazy but just depressed instead. Maybe I can't be helped. Even if I can, it's sad to think I've wasted 30 years of my life being sad.

I think Joel's death just gave me something to grasp onto for the sadness. Finally, I have a reason. Maybe because of that it continues to hit me as hard as the day we found out he died. I could say all of this impairs my daily functioning, but truthfully I've never functioned without something going on. I have no idea what it's like to not have some sort of impaired function, I've adapted to live with it. I hate to admit I'm too sad to function like I think I could if I wasn't. It's a shameful thing to admit almost. Of course I think that goes back to my fear of the lazy label. I don't want to say, "Hey honey, I want to drop out of school & never leave the house because I'm sad." Things like that are usually met with a pep talk & dismissed as me being tired or frustrated. Which they are, in part. But the big part is that I cannot convince myself I need to do it. Well, I know I need to do it. But I cannot gather the effort needed to do anything. And that, it seems, makes me lazy. And that shame & embarrassment comes back. It's bad enough knowing your parents think you're a failure and/or lazy, you don't want people you love to think the same. I feel bad enough about myself & things I've done or not done, I don't need people to join in.

I want to be OK more than anything. But, truth is...

I'm not.

Just admitting this makes me worry. And it freaks me out because now, even though I'm thinking it's time to do something about it, I figure if I decide not to people will stay on my ass about doing something to help myself. But I fear help isn't going to, well, help. And my insurance believes that only 20 appointments of help will be more than enough, so after that point guess whose got to foot the bill? And that just bring more sadness & worry.

I really don't know what I should do...what I should want. I'm not even sure what more I should say. Maybe I'm just lazy or worthless. Or maybe I'm crazy. Or maybe I'm beyond help. I just wish I knew for sure.

I'll be OK. I just have to figure out how to get there. And whatever I decide to do to get myself on the best track I can, hopefully people can accept & not judge. People including me.

7 comments:

  1. You don't sound crazy. And really only 20 sessions? I didn't know there was a limit. I guess I had better check because it might take some years to fix me. I wish I knew how sane people got that way.

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  2. You don't know me but I found your blog off from Babycenter..and read it quite often. I am also on your facebook...hmm..no im not a stalker. Anyway..you just wrote about my life..all of it..the worrying about cats in the washer..the worrying about the kids..but mostly..the counting. I have always done that ..but never been able to put into words exactly what I do..I have tried but people just look at me funny. I just had to tell you that. Ok, now I feel crazier, lol

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  3. I can relate to a lot of this and I think I could be slightly crazy at times also. I think I feel that way even more after having a baby and not getting enough sleep. It just exaserbates everything. When your taking care of an infant it takes a lot out of you and there isn't much left for anything so it's pretty normal to feel lazy at this point. I'm a lot better now that I'm getting a lot more sleep and I'm not nursing. I think it will get better for you before long too.

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  4. I am always afraid my husband is going to die or I am going to die. (But mostly him.) Or our parents or our friends. I just visualize people dying all the time.

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  5. girlie, i just found this from Baby Loss Mommas, and I read the October 15th post (amazing the way you have a way with sarcasm and words BTW) and I figured I'd check out the rest of your blog.

    You make me want to cry.

    But not because you are sad... though that's sorta sad too... but because I thought I was the ONLY person who did this. Every time I make a video of the kids, after I press the button to stop the recording I think, "well if something happens to him tomorrow, at least I got a fresh video of his cute laugh or the way he talks so I can forever have it preserved if I never hear it again..." and when I drop the kids off at school I pay attention to everything they are wearing, so if they get kidnapped while at school, I can tell the cops "she was wearing a pink polo, with a green stripe, blue jeans and black tennis shoes. She had her hair pulled back in a green pony tail and she wore her black rimmed glasses today. Her backpack is a maroon Eastpak." I used to also have very vivid scenarios play out in my head about the kids falling out of the window at home, or driving down the street and having someone fling their car door open and me not being able to avoid it- and somehow my children end up hurt from the accident. I've actually envisioned my head going thru the windshield before, and being unconscious and what my children will do if they see this happen to their mom. Wow- now I'm doubly scaring myself.

    I worry a lot as well. I think it's just part of being a mom though. I'm very protective of my children, and I've found it got a lot worse after I had my last miscarriage. And I can't even imagine if you multiply that by being able to hold and touch a baby that you never get to take home. I think that would add more to the anxiousness. Like constantly trying to hold your breath, scared you might disrupt something and the rug will be pulled out from underneath you.

    I wish I had the magic answers, but I don't. I wish I knew how to fix it, because I definitely would. And I agree- 20 sessions definitely wouldn't cut it for me either. That, and I also agree- I dunno if I could stop from labeling myself as crazy or a failure or not worthy of everything I did have. I have a really hard time taking Tylenol... what if the dr told me I needed some sort of anti-psychotic or something? I think I'd lose it, and it would make things worse. LOL- such a vicious cycle :P

    I'm glad I stumbled across this blog. Definitely bookmarking. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opening your life up and welcome us in. As crazy as we all may be :)

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  6. Could you have postpartum anxiety? I had post partum anxiety after having my youngest, who was the baby after losing a baby. If you get my drift. I went on celexa and things got better. Just a thought.

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  7. Oh, and I am crazy. I have bipolar disorder. Lots of experience with the crazy here. You also sound like you have long term depression. I forget the actual name for it. An antidepressant might help with that too. My anxiety got so bad, I couldn't leave the house without taking a kid with me, because I knew I would hold it (barely) together in front of them. And I only left the house when absolutely necessary.

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