Since October is dead baby month, I figure I'll do a few ultra depressing blogs that I've put off. Here is one of those.
A new interwebz friend mentioned that she'd delivered her baby early because of a bad diagnosis. Person shall remain nameless because, well, it's not my business to share with the world (even with you, peeps) if she doesn't want to. In telling me this, she mentioned that she didn't tell many people because basically alot of people judge their decision but she felt OK telling me.
I'll admit, at some point in my life I thought "how can someone do that, not even give the child a chance?"
Now? Not so much.
If I had known Joel's outcome, what would I have done? I would have carried him & hoped I was told wrong, that he'd be fine. I'd settle for him opening his eyes once, or taking a single breath. Basically, I'd take anything over what I got. Even when it'd been confirmed several times that he was dead, I still held out hope for life once he was born. We know that didn't happen.
So how can people do that, choose that? Even if you know your child will die, maybe die before birth or within hours of birth, why not give them a chance? Why not get what you can with your child? Because I sure as hell would want anything I could get.
I'm selfish. And I'm not brave.
Don't get your panties in a wad, if you carry to term I don't think you're selfish or chicken. But for me, I could never do anything but wait & see. And hope. Because I'm not brave enough to let go of any hope & maybe my child would suffer because of the decision that I didn't want to make.
Not a single one of us dead baby parents are selfish, & we're all brave. It's just different for everyone. I can't imagine choosing to induce early or abort. Just like I can't imagine knowing in advance my child will die & continuing the pregnancy, knowing how it ends. Just like I'm sure the people in those two groups can't imagine just finding out their baby is dead without any warning like we experienced.
People who go that route do not love their babies less than I love Joel or my other kids. They don't miss their kids differently. But I see message boards or websites just ripping people to shreds. The people who carry to term look down on the people who don't & I've even seen it said that those people don't love their children. The people who don't look at the people who carry to term like they are selfish assholes to put a baby though whatever pain may occur.
Who the hell am I to decide who is bad in this situation? Who am I to look at someone else & think that their child mattered less to them? If they opt for labor & delivery, is it easier for them? Do they experience some amazing, pain free labor? No matter what they opt for to end the pregnancy early, do we really think people don't cry or miss out what might have been?
The truth is that we're all dead baby parents. We were all cheated. And we're all damaged by it. No one deserves a medal for not ending a pregnancy early at the news of a bad diagnosis. We all deserve medals for surviving the death, no matter when or why it occurred. We all deserve to grieve. We all have enough judgment as it is...I'm sure people wonder why I got pregnant again or wonder what I did to cause my baby to die. We all have enough of that in our lives, we don't need to do it to each other.
So consider me a dead baby safe place. If your child died, by whatever means at whatever time, I'm sorry. You don't deserve it. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry you went through whatever you went through. We all have our stories, our painful looks back at the death of our children. Those flashes of memories, & wondering how the hell we made it through that awful experience.
There aren't alot of people who know what it's like to experience this type of death. There is no need to categorize people into groups. Be there for & watch out for all of us, despite how the death occurred. Pain is pain. Don't judge it.