Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The asterisk.

asterisk ( ) n. A star-shaped figure (*) used chiefly to indicate an omission, a reference to a footnote, or an unattested word, sound, or affix

I've never really used an asterisk much in my life. Well, I do here to add a witty confession about how when I say "we" are doing something I actually mean Adam. But that's about it. But now, I'm living with an asterisk everyday.

When I'm out alone with Blair, I've been asked, "Oh, he is your only son?"

I blink. I ponder. I think. I try to gauge this person I'm talking to. I try to gauge how I'm feeling that day. I open my mouth, I prepare to speak. All of this is done within about 3 seconds so I'm not just standing there like a fucking idiot who can't answer a simple question about her children.

"There is another at home."

That isn't a lie or anything, it's just answering the question they asked. Now, if my husband did that I'd get all Dr. Phil on his ass, telling him, "lying by omission is still lying, asshole!" But I try not to call myself an asshole. And I'm not a huge fan of doing as I say.

It's weird. It can be awkward. Only for me, but awkward nonetheless. I don't like to feel like I'm dwelling. I don't like to feel like my kids will one day be thinking, "jeesh mom, again?" when the checkout lady ask how many kids I have. I don't want to constantly feel sad when it comes to the memory of Joel. It's sad as it is, I don't need to share that sadness with the lady at Sam's Club.

I'm alright. I'm not sure if I'm alright alright, or just alright as I can be. But I'm alright. Hell, some days I might even say I'm good.

Shocking, I know. Sometimes I actually wonder if I'm in some insane deep depression & just don't know it. I'm pretty sure I'm not though, I just like to tell myself that so I don't feel bad for not feeling bad all the time.

Coming soon...a blog with me stuffing my $1000 wedding dress into a small box. Look forward to that.

4 comments:

  1. I just had the same thing at my husbands work BBQ. They looked at me weird when I paused so long to answer and thankfully my husband stepped in and told them all about Gracie our daughter who died, we have my living son and my daughter who's dead. Such a difficult question. I never ask anyone how many children they have anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm looking forward to being the 'downer' at my new job/school's first day. But no, I never ask anyone about their children and I can't bring myself to ask someone about their pregnancy either.

    As for cashiers and such who ask about our kids, I'm guilty of 'a brother at home', but somehow I feel like "this person isn't worth it" which is completely unreasonable on several levels.

    For the forthcoming new job I'm adopting "and his other brother, Joel, would be a little over a year old" and we'll see where the conversation goes from there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It is such a loaded question-- people who aren't part of this club have no idea how loaded it is. I generally always acknowledge Sophie, but my husband, just the other day said he had two kids...:|

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's a difficult question to answer...no doubt about that. And sometimes it's hard to determine if people really even care or if they just ask because "it's the right thing to do." I will refuse to ever ask that question to avoid putting someone else in pain that I feel every time. I'm sorry that you were put in a difficult situation. Thinking about you...

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails