asterisk ( ) n. A star-shaped figure (*) used chiefly to indicate an omission, a reference to a footnote, or an unattested word, sound, or affix
I've never really used an asterisk much in my life. Well, I do here to add a witty confession about how when I say "we" are doing something I actually mean Adam. But that's about it. But now, I'm living with an asterisk everyday.
When I'm out alone with Blair, I've been asked, "Oh, he is your only son?"
I blink. I ponder. I think. I try to gauge this person I'm talking to. I try to gauge how I'm feeling that day. I open my mouth, I prepare to speak. All of this is done within about 3 seconds so I'm not just standing there like a fucking idiot who can't answer a simple question about her children.
"There is another at home."
That isn't a lie or anything, it's just answering the question they asked. Now, if my husband did that I'd get all Dr. Phil on his ass, telling him, "lying by omission is still lying, asshole!" But I try not to call myself an asshole. And I'm not a huge fan of doing as I say.
It's weird. It can be awkward. Only for me, but awkward nonetheless. I don't like to feel like I'm dwelling. I don't like to feel like my kids will one day be thinking, "jeesh mom, again?" when the checkout lady ask how many kids I have. I don't want to constantly feel sad when it comes to the memory of Joel. It's sad as it is, I don't need to share that sadness with the lady at Sam's Club.
I'm alright. I'm not sure if I'm alright alright, or just alright as I can be. But I'm alright. Hell, some days I might even say I'm good.
Shocking, I know. Sometimes I actually wonder if I'm in some insane deep depression & just don't know it. I'm pretty sure I'm not though, I just like to tell myself that so I don't feel bad for not feeling bad all the time.
Coming soon...a blog with me stuffing my $1000 wedding dress into a small box. Look forward to that.
1 year ago