Friday, May 28, 2010

My day 1 year after he was born.

And by some, forgotten.

The day started out shitty, but I'm sure that's normal. Find me any dead baby parent that gets up (or even goes to bed the night before) in a sunshine & rainbows mood, I'd like to meet them.

I had a couple last minute plans, much like any plan I make. I'd finally decided to print off our pictures of Joel. And we decided to order flowers. I put Adam in charge of making the call, he ordered a blue, white, & yellow arrangement. Being last minute, I took the pictures from my CD & uploaded them onto the WalMart website so I could pick them up today. Yeah, fancy of me, I know.

Oh, yesterday I was at Sam's Club & bought a cake. Well, a cake & cupcakes. Came with like 10 cupcakes & a 5 inch or so cake. My mother happened to see it, asked what it was for, then acted awkward when I told her. She then asked if she was invited. Invited for what, I don't know. I told her we weren't doing anything, it was just a buy on a whim. BTW, this is also the day after she refereed to him as "the baby we were waiting on who never came." Even Adam excused that comment because my mother is awful at words. I guess she was semi-offended we didn't invite her over for dead baby cupcakes. Sorry, but we weren't having a party & considering you use vague words & stories when taking out him dying I really don't want to spend my day with us using said vague words & such.

Anyway, back to today.

Our flowers come around 2pm. They looked like a princess threw up. Remember the blue, yellow, & white? Well, the florist didn't. Pink. All pink. In a pink container even. Pink. I adore pink, but even I couldn't have looked at that arrangement unless I was a 4 year old at a princess party. Pink. The delivery guy takes it back, Adam calls & spells his name about 34 times for them. They had the flowers we wanted or didn't want, but no mention of colors anywhere. So we They were going to make us another one.


I head out to Wal Mart because there were a few things we needed, on top of picking up the pictures. I do the small amount of grocery shopping before I make a circle back to the photo department. I wait almost 10 minutes for a girl to come help me. She then tells me they had website problems so they are blurry & walked off.

Blurry is an understatement. Some you couldn't even make out what they were. I stand there, wanting to cry, another 15 minutes before she comes back. I ask her what our options are since some of them are so bad. She tells me either I pay full price for them then or she takes & shreds them then.

I do what any dead baby mom would do at someone telling them they were going to shred pictures...

I burst out into total hysterical crying.

I couldn't even talk. I just stand there crying, looking at her & down at the picture envelope from time to time, unable to make words. She finally ask me what they are & I tell her "pictures of my son who died." I think I eventually choke out that I can't use them in that condition & I know there is no point to them since you can't even see some of them, but the thought of shredding them just kills me. She looks at them, I'm wondering if she believed me honestly, & finally says, "Just, you know, I'm just going to give these to you" then she marked "NC" on the label & put them in a bag for me. I thanked her, told her I was sorry for being a mess, & went on my way.

Ever try to compose yourself in a Wal Mart? Don't. Pointless. I don't get anything else I need (I was going to get some sort of nice container for Joel's wall letters, among a couple pet things we needed), & just go to check out. Still crying. Of course, I get in the lane that doesn't even sell purse packages of tissues. It's freaking Wal Mart & I can't find any tissues? *sigh*

Eventually it's my turn & I'm not sure if she was just anti-social or didn't want to deal with someone who'd obviously been crying, but the cashier doesn't look at me or speak. Good. There was a nice gay couple behind me that knew I was upset & actually gave me a Redbox movie they were going to take back on their way out. It's The Blind Side, which I said I hadn't seen, & they assured me it was a great movie & would be uplifting & just asked me to return it in the next couple days. So that was nice. And it was also nice they asked no questions, I appreciated that.

On the way home I realized I'd forgotten things, including the bug spray we needed. Before I left the house, Jules had several bites on him. So I stop at the Rite Aid on the way home. I look around but can't find the stuff anywhere, being depressed with ice cream in the car, I asked the cashier where I could find it. I then have the oddest experience of my life. She stares at me & finally ask if it's for me or for my house. I think she means for people or a house, so I say me. She stands there & looks at me again, kinda sad, & sighs. She comes out & tells me "well, what I use..." then goes into some long story about the natural way she repels bugs because she doesn't believe in chemicals. I pacify her & when she's done I tell her I'll try those, but I still needed the spray. She then says, "Well...I'm not comfortable with this until you talk to the pharmacist since you're pregnant."


I look at her like she's nuts & tell her when I said me I wasn't actually talking about me, but my kid whose getting eat up at home as we stand there talking about it. She finally shows me where it is...a whole 10 feet away in clear view.

If I was buying beer, would she have lectured me? I should have asked.

I get a bottle of spray & make my way home.

I was kinda happy that the woman had annoyed me, because being angry makes me less sad. Kinda like how yesterday my crazy ass neighbor stopped Adam & complained that us draining our pool last week, in a gutter, on the other side of our house, had flooded her basement. Yes, camo tarp neighbor. She has pictures & everything. We've drained out pool every year the same way. We drain it every fall to the half way mark to cover it. But this year we flooded her basement? Seriously?! And she tells Adam this when she damn well knows what time of year it is. So I give it a week, tops, because she comes knocking on our door or catches him outside again & ask for money for the "damages" for her basement that she's told us previously had flooded before. We have alot of ground water in this area, she'd told me before that she's got washed out sink holes under her back deck & stuff, told us how her basement has flooded before. So blaming the pool after all the times we've drained it the same way is, well, bullshit. And considering she's sue happy, I'm sure when we refuse to give her anything I'll end up in small claims court.

But that's another rant for when I get served papers.

So basically, though nothing that went bad today is my fault, I've felt like a complete failure. Story of my life though (note the blog title, & the new subtitle under the title, thanks to Amy). I also suck as a wife because I feel like this stuff didn't exactly work out & I wanted to do something to, uh, cheer up my husband. Cheer up isn't exactly the right term, I think "keep him from throwing himself under a bus" is a better one, but you get the idea.

Of course I worry I've made his friend consider killing himself. After I got home, I saw on facebook that Adam had posted this nice picture of the flowers with the candle from Joel's service a year ago & labeled it as "Joel's First Birthday." The very first comment was from someone who is, well, dense I guess because he posted about how now will comes the times of getting into everything, then talking, then the "mine" stage...blah blah blah. Guy had no idea Joel had died & obviously didn't look at the picture. So I responded with my charming comment of "Don't worry, we don't have do worry about any of that since our son is dead." I did that before Adam could do the mature thing & remove the comment or send the guy a message pointing it out. Apparently when the guy realized what it was, he sent several messages of apology & from the sound of it, wants to throw himself in front of a bus as well. I actually wasn't mad or upset, I just thought he was an idiot. Still think he's an idiot, but I'm twisted so I actually feel bad for making the guy feel bad about it. Go figure.

This aspect of my life sucks. Sucks big time. Doesn't suck as much as it did last year, but it sucks as much as it always will. The sadness & pain isn't there like it was, which I almost feel bad for, I feel like I should be more sad than I am. Then I have a nervous breakdown in Wal Mart & realize, "hey, I'm not so stable after all." But I am proof that things get better. Somewhat. Eventually.

Then you'll experience great sorrow at one place, to be replaced by great furry at another place 20 minutes later & realize it's a good thing you don't keep weapons in your house. And that you are on medication.

I do want to thank people for everything. I won't make a list because I suck at list (the word "suck" is word of the day I guess), but people should know who they are. People who left comments, sent e-cards, text messages, facebook messages or postings...the works. I appreciate you all. It's nice to know you're being thought of.

Which leads me to my next rant that goes along with the first part of this blog...Joel being forgotten.

There is really no polite way to say what I'm feeling, nor do I care to worry about being polite, but I simply cannot believe that these past couple days went by with no one in my family acknowledging it. No one. Save my cousins wife, but she doesn't count because she's not blood related therefore she has sense. No cards, no emails, no phone calls, not even a stinking reply on a facebook status that I know they read because they've gossiped about them in the past. I don't know if they just don't think it "counts" or if they all just sat down behind my back & decided it's not to be mentioned, but it's sad. And it makes me mad. Some of these people bitch that I'm not close with my family & that I don't "open up" enough with them. Well, don't acknowledge my dead son & see how much I want to open up to you then.

My parents told me a couple days ago that after Blair is born they want to have a get together in our honor. I wasn't too into the idea because I'm not a huge fan of everyone passing around my newborn or the fact that my parents get really creeped out by breastfeeding & I don't want to deal with any of the weird looks or suggestions of formula since I won't lock myself in a room to feed him, but from the sound of it they were going to serve the same food & such from Joel's memorial service, which is something Adam & I both agreed we don't want to relive ever again but I figured I could fight that battle some time before the "event" was held, but considering my dead sons birthday can't be acknowledged, everyone can fuck off if they think 3-4 weeks later they can sit around, make small talk, & acknowledge the new baby. I consider it the best thing for them even, because at this rate someone would forget to count Joel in the head count of my children & I'd have to punch them right on the spot & we don't want to deal with those issues. I'm sure if I say anything about this to my parents, they'll complain we didn't invite them over for cupcakes & think that's a reasonable explanation. I do not have the patience, nor the urge, to fight that battle. So I'll just bask in the glory of knowing I'm right & next time anything is said in passing about me being a loner or not as involved in their lives as they'd like, I might throw out a response. Of course, that will lead to the "we're sad, too" comments to which I'll blurt out, "show it in a form other than awkwardness & I'll buy it." Maybe it's wrong of me to be lame & expect my on parents to call or something, I know I can work a phone or whatever as well...but in this situation do I have to be the one to do it? Aren't there days where people can come to me about stuff, reach out on their own? And if so, shouldn't things involving Joel be one?

So I've survived. Yay me. I've gathered further proof who around me is awesome & who around me, well, isn't as awesome. And been reminded to never use the Wal Mart photo lab.


  1. I'm so sorry your Joel is gone and that your day didn't go as planned. Looks like some of your family could have acknowledged it. Reminds me of my MIL who told me when our Meredith was born that she was waiting to see if the baby lived, and if she did , she would buy me flowers while I was in the hospital. If she didn't live, the flowers would be for the funeral.That really uplifted me, you know, and the flowers were for the funeral, and my parents paid half!. Hugs to all of you, and again, I am very sorry about precious Joel's passing. As an aside, if you have Walgreen's where you live, they do a good job on photos. We had to quit using WM for photos because the photos always turned out blurry, pale, had streaks across them, etc. We have not had problems at Walgreen's.

  2. i know i don't know you, but i just love you, i love your honesty, you make me laugh and cry in everything you write. i relate to everything you say, bless you so much jessica, your family are retarded, this isn't your fault , mine are too, they didn't even come to harveys funeral. i think your neighbor may may have been sent to keep you mad, if keeping you mad stops you being sad. the flowers, the photos, the repellant, all sound like the perfect chaos of life and i think chaos is perfect. sending loads of love and big bear hugs, anne xxx

  3. Too much to say but your parents are acting like acquaintances that heard you lost a baby, not people who lost a grandchild. Weird. Do they really think that he was a baby who never arrived? WTF?!?!

    I can't say that I can even begin to know what you're feeling, just know that I'm reading and thinking of you.

  4. All I have to say is...(((((HUGS))))) Joel will never be forgotten b/c he is in your heart. Sending much love your way Jess.

  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. And the walmart photo fiasco. And the lack of sense or understanding for Joel's loss in your family. (hugs)

    Do you know Perhaps you can find more awesome people there, who -- sadly -- understand your situation.

  6. I'm so sorry that your family is not there for you right now when you need them. You are in my thoughts and prayers today and every day. You are such a strong woman and I admire you.


  7. I just wanted to say I am so sorry that this day didn't go better for you, not that it would have ever been a "good" day. (((HUGS)))

    FYI: found your blog through the lost and found connections from the Stirrup Queen's blog~I always like to know.

  8. I just wanted to say I am so sorry that this day didn't go better for you, not that it would have ever been a "good" day. (((HUGS)))

    FYI: found your blog through the lost and found connections from the Stirrup Queen's blog~I always like to know.

  9. I wish his day would've went a little better for you. Ugh. How crappy that your family didn't even acknowledge him. That'd really make me mad!!!! And I'd prolly be the same and not let them throw a party and say go screw yourselves.

  10. I just want to say that I SO SO SO understand! Happy Birthday, Joel...

    My son, Noah, was born 18 years ago and I've never forgotten his birthday or his death day. He lived 30 days. Yes I have other children. NO, that doesn't mean a thing as far as Noah is concerned. He was here. He existed. Your parents are unbelievable! They do NOT sound like grandparents.

    I also understand the meltdown in Walmart. I had to return all the disposable diapers we'd bought (and had been given to us at the shower.They are brand new, never opened), to the large grocery store near us where we purchased them. I had to tell the cashier that I wanted to return them as my baby had died. She got her supervisor. I had to tell HER the same thing. She got the store manager, and I looked at them and said "You're really not going to make me say it AGAIN are you?" Yes. So I said, "MY BABY BOY DIED AND I CAN'T USE THESE DIAPERS! Please, can I PLEASE have a refund?" and promptly burst into tears.

    I got my refund.

  11. OOPS I forgot to say, he was born brain dead. I so get "still born." He was alive but only through machines, and he never moved. Ever.



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