Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The day he died.

Autopsy. Genetics. Infections. Disorders. Stillbirth. Cremation. Funeral.

Today I celebrate the one year mark of the above mentioned words becoming almost daily words in my life.


Ah, fuck that, you all know that I don't let things go that easily.

Fuck. That is the word I feel like saying.

So it's May 26th. It's not his birthday, but it was the day he died.

Tomorrow, May 27th, will be the day of hell I went through getting induced for the start of my 26 hours of fun.

And finally, Friday, he gets a birthday. One only on paper, as he was never really born, I guess he was imaginary.

I wish someone had explained those hemorrhoids & stitches were imaginary. Along with all the "did you drink/smoke/fall/do drugs/have medical problems/blah blah blah" questions I was asked.

Talk of putting the baby in a box. "No thanks, I have a $500 crib for that, but thanks anyway. Oh, wait, that won't work now."

I'm sad. But I'm still oh so bitter & angry. And honestly, the bitterness & anger grows the more I think about things during my pregnancy. Worries I had that were dismissed with bad medical advice.

It's going to be a lonely day. Adam works, I go to the doctor. He signed up for online classes last week & can't change out of them...oops, they've changed online only classes to "online with mandatory live meetings." The 26th is the first mandatory meetings from 5-8, over an hour away.

Of course, what he realized tonight is that it's not at their main graduate campus like we's one of like 5 summer classes being taught in their little building out in the middle of no where. Why is that important?

Well, it's the same little town I've only been to time was to deliver Joel, 2nd time was to pick up his autopsy report.

That's right, it's right down the street from the hospital Joel was delivered at, the little out of the way hospital an hour from us in a town we never go to. He'll be able to look out the window & stare at the hospital.

And it was listed in bright red fate was totally bitch slapping us.

There was even 2 different sections of the exact same class. Thinking they were both 100% online he just picked one. So it just so happens that he picks the one in this little down. Oh, & it's an hour longer than the other version of it. Makes no sense to me, but whatever.

Of course, he'll also get to go there again on June 16th, the day before The Blair is set to be born. So I'll be home along the night before, packing my own bag.

In other news, I feel like complete crap. Yes, already. I'm sick to my stomach, my chest feels tight, & I just want to cry but I know once that starts it won't stop for a while, so I'm hoping to hold off on that adventure until tomorrow so I can actually get some sleep tonight. There are some things even ambien can't get me to sleep through.

In just over 3 weeks The Blair should be here...if he lives. Yes, I still think that sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean alot.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Nice to know things are alright. But on a day I'm convinced is jinxed I'm waiting for the ball to drop. Of course, part of me wouldn't mind if the doctor said, "we think he needs out now." Yes, I'd like him to cook as long as possible, but when you have one die in the last stage of cooking, you don't mind the idea of a little but undercooked. Alive is the goal. Obviously.

So here goes the start of my 3 days of reliving hell. And, because I'm bitter, seeing who, if anyone, remembers. I don't want people to dwell on it, but it would be nice to get an email/card/phone call from at least some peeps in the family. Sadly though, I'm not holding my breath. I doubt my parents will even mention it & I'll blame Dear Abby for that one. Last time I was there, they had a paper with Dear Abby, who was talking about how it's painful for people to remind parents of their dead babies & how it wasn't appropriate. I didn't get the chance to point out it was bullshit, so I wonder if they'll take Dear Abby to heart. Let's hope not, I personally find her to be a huge cunt when it comes to dead babies, but again, I'm bitter & angry & take offense to someone who has never had it happen "advise" people on how to remember, or forget, babies so you don't upset the parents or how people shouldn't show pictures of their dead babies. But that's another rant for another time.

Goodnight. I'll try to make it out of bed sometime over the next 3 days. I promise. Kinda. Maybe.


  1. Oh Jess, Sending you much love today and over the next three days....

  2. surround yourself with your favourite food and drinks and dvds and clean sheets are a must, i will be thinking of you over the next 3 days. the blair is going to be just fine......bad things don't happen twice ! no one will let anything bad happen . Also, if you need people to acknowledge these next 3 daysto help you through them, get your husband to secretly let them all know what you need, most people are waiting to be told what the right thing to do is, sending you lots of love xxx anne ps, i hope that didn't come across as rude

  3. *huge hugs* Jess

  4. Dear Jess, so feeling this post. And sending you good vibes through the internets. Do what you need to do to get through these days. If bed is what it takes, so be it. However, littleharves has some pretty nice suggestions, too.

    I wonder if my bitter and my anger will ever be less than my sad. not sure.

  5. I'll be thinking of you and your sweet baby. *hugs*

  6. Sending you internet {{HUGS}}.

  7. Sending you some love.....

  8. Much love sent to you Jess.


  9. I think you're entitled to the three days in bed. I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy and . .. well, I'm sorry. That's all I can think of to say. And that is so insufficient. x

  10. HUGE Hugs...I'm thinking of you! Be angry, be resentful...hug Jules..hug your hubby and cry your heart out.



  11. DorothyGaleisLostMay 26, 2010 at 8:02 PM

    augh. Wish there were words to make the next three days and the next three weeks go with less heart ache and stress for you and your hubby. And we too live with that fear of the axe - it's been there since we knew our little boy was gone. Some people are followed by a gray rain cloud - we have an axe... I know - a little dramatic - but that's the way things are. ((((HUGS))))

  12. I hate when people think "don't mention their loved one, it will remind them they died!" Uh, like we would forget otherwise? Don't think so. Anyway, thinking of you guys as always. i wish you didn't have to go through this shit.

  13. Jess the BloggerMay 26, 2010 at 11:35 PM

    My baby didn't die, he was just "the baby we were waiting on that didn't come."

    ...yes, someone said that.

  14. Jessi... Thinking of you, Adam, Jules, Joel (and Blair) especially today and tomorrow. *hugs*

    ~Shannon (from BBC)

  15. Thinking of you ((hug))

    And I totally don't like Dr Abby now

  16. Jess,

    Happy Birthday Joel. Sorry for your loss and I have not forgotten.

    I am on the BBC Dec. 2007 board and was pregnant again when you lost Joel. I remember that you hadn't posted in awhile and I was expecting to see your birth announcement. I was sitting at work reading your post about what happened and crying, and crying and crying. I read his obituary and thought about you all the time.
    I cried when I found out you were pregnant with Blair too.
    You are so expressive in your writing that I felt like I know you. You seem like a friend. I have been reading your blog since then and cheering you on. Hold on through this time.
    Ellen (from BBC)

  17. HUGS Today....BIG hugs today. BIG GIGANTIC HUGS today.

  18. Thinking of and praying for you Jessi. Know your BBC family loves you!!


  19. Sending you hugs and your family many hugs!



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