I forget what Joel looked like.
I have pictures, I can remember him from those.
But sometimes, just trying to remember him laying there, I don't remember his features. Just his hair & a small tear on the right side of his cheek.
I try to tell myself I don't really remember Jules, but that's a lie. I remember what he looked like in the hospital & as he grew. My memory, it's freaky like that.
Even his pictures are different than I remember. We got the hospital pictures first, which I'd looked forward to getting since we took no pictures ourselves. When I opened them, they were kinda upsetting to me. He looked...well, he looked not alive. I didn't think he looked that bad in person. I questioned if the pictures were bad or if I didn't really notice how he may have really looked in person.
He looks better in some shots from the photographer. Tonight, while going through things, I happened upon the envelope I don't think we opened again since getting them in...the hospital pictures. Looking now, I don't think they look bad at all. I think my memories of him, made in person, were biased based on the fact that I wanted a perfect, beautiful baby. He didn't get a chance to be everything he could have been, even at delivery, because even cleaning him up well could have hurt him. And now I sit here, suddenly liking the hospital pictures that once disturbed me. It's weird, very weird. I think it's taken this time to come to terms with my exact memories of him weren't perfect, like I said I was biased, so seeing him look anything different that quickly after sent me for a loop. After a year almost, I guess it's easier to understand.
But anyway...is any of this normal? I feel like I should have every moment we spent with him burnt into my memory. I remember everyone else, how everyone else looked & what everyone else did. I remember having sweet and sour sauce with my chicken strips that night. The kitchen just made me chicken strips & fries, but they tried to fancy it up as much as they could. I appreciated that, being told who you had to make something for must have sucked for them.
This is an ambien induced line of thinking. I hope I remember this in the morning.