Monday, April 19, 2010

I have the urge to throw hams.

Years ago I never really got why Sharon Osbourne threw things at her neighbors, including a ham.

I mean really...what could be so bad that you throw a chunk of dead animal?

Well, as I sit here typing this, I'm wondering if Kroger has any hams on sale.

This should come after the upcoming swingset blog (I've had drama, been busy, & I have like 100 pictures to share with you, give a girl time, it's being worked on) but this has just been too much.

You see, when we moved into our house, though it was move in ready on paper, there were lots of ugly. I've never really had people over & we'd been working hard to get things looking better. The big thing for me was the playset (see, I called it a playset unlike earlier), then I'd feel like while there was still a bit of ugly in my backyard thanks to it being an overgrown mess when we moved in. I have one neighbor that still likes his overgrown mess, then I have the other neighbor.

This woman, quite frankly, is crazy.

First & foremost, I'm convinced that most of these problems come from the fact that my husband doesn't want to have sex with her in her mid-60's glory. Before we moved in, Adam would be over doing stuff on the house to make it more liveable. Every time she saw him, she'd rush out & tell him her life story. Parts like, "I don't have a man who will come do this sort of yard work for me." By the time we moved in, he knew every thing about her, her family & lack of a man, that she said she "wore next to nothing" in the summer, & that her dog had hip displaysia. I thought that his was just a lonely old woman & that we'd both get to deal with this.

Oh, totally not.

I think I lived here almost a year before she said a word to me. If she was out with Adam, if I went out she's run away. If I was out there with him she'd never come out until I left. This is when I developed my "oh my god, she's a cougar not a lonely old lady" theory. Many laughs were had at Adam's expense over this. But still, there wasn't any drama...until about a year after we moved in. Here are some random, good time stories about dealing with this lovely neighbor over the past few years.

About 2 days after gushing to me one of the first times she ever spoke to me, that we were all so quiet & great, I go to my mailbox & I have a letter. It's from her. She's complaining that our dog is barking at 3 & 5am & we need to keep him better contained.

Problem? Our dog slept in the house & had for months. At 5am, he was in our bed with us. We live around many, many dogs. We can hear dogs one street over. I figured she was hearing other dogs & blaming ours. I wrote her a note back, explaining this, that it cannot be our dog because he's in our bedroom at night & we'd even been up at 2 & 3am & we know for a fact he's been asleep. I suggested a dog on the next street over, who sounded almost identical from our dog. She also has dogs who bark & go nuts all the time, as late as 3am, but I figure dogs bark so why complain.

After this exchange, she didn't even pretend to wave at me anymore.

More time goes by. In fall of 2008, at like 6pm, Adam comes upstairs where I've been vacuuming, amused. He tells me the neighbors new boyfriend had just come over. He was complaining about our dog. Now this time, he was right, our dog was barking at things. Like every other dog was at like 1pm. He wanted use to put a bark collar on the dog, he says this while their 3 dogs are barking & going nuts in their yard mind you, because earlier they took a bunch of xanax, got sleepy, & his barking annoyed them. They wait 5 hours to complain & basically just come to tell Adam about their drug use. Awesome.

Off & on during this time, she also complains to Adam about a couple trees in the very back of our property. She claims they shade her pool, causing it to turn green. Nevermind the fact that she brags that she doesn't use any chemicals in her pool so basically she's got a pool full of stagnant water, it's the trees about 30 feet from her pool causing the problem. The trees that actually never do shade anything near her pool. Of course, I'm amused that she's bitching about trees that far away from anyones living space when she lets vines & other nasty things grow up her fence & into our property & even had this huge thorn bush where we had to turn out cars around in every time we went out. She didn't care about those things, she didn't like the trees way far away from her. Me, I'm suppose to keep trying to keep her vines out of my yard & turning my car around in thorns. Good times, good times.

Last May, we went out shopping. We came home to drop things off & I couldn't pull into my drive way. Why? A small tree was laying there. A tree on our side of the fence had been cut. A very small tree, but a tree. It had then been drug down the hill & thrown in our driveway, left for us to take care of. We knew it had to be her. I was livid because I'm 9 months pregnant & livid is a way of life for me anyway. But I couldn't believe that they waited until we left that day to come into our yard, cut a tree down, then leave it in the way. I was mad all night. The next day, as I'm still angry, there is a knock on the door. It's her & her boyfriend. They've come to announce they are going to just go up there & cut those trees down themselves.

Nevermind the fact that I find that rude & annoying to just come & announce that you're going to cut someones property down, but I also find it scary. This woman has talked several times about how she has all these medical problems & has bragged about suing people, even the old owners of this house. And I know they are at least on xanax. I could hear my homeowners insurance guy screaming somewhere, even if I was alright with this idea. They were very annoyed we didn't let them cut those trees. And me? I was just livid again. Stop worrying about trees that are doing NOTHING to you or your house & cut some of that shit growing into my yard & is actually a hazard.

Over the summer & into the fall, my dad had come over to help remove stuff we'd cut down in our yard. Since he was a man, she rushed out there & make small talk & tell her how she & her boyfriend broke up & she has no men to do work for her now. She also went on to say lovely things about Adam, how he's just the bees knees basically, but me? I'm an evil shrew who never comes out of the house & how I make him do all the yard works & that I'm lucky I have someone to put up with me, to paraphrase. My dad was then proud to announce, "Yeah, well, that's my daughter." He wasn't proud to announce it because he thinks I rock, but because when she found that news out she left him alone the rest of the time he was out there. Lucky bastard. And yeah, I don't do yard work. I also don't take out the trash or shoo away bugs. Sorry to set the womens movement back 50 years, but it's not my job. Adam knew when he married me I'd never do those things. He obviously didn't mind that much. When I grow a penis & become a man, I'll get right on those things. As well as having a bunch of random sex with women, but I'm just curious about how that would be. But that's another story for another blog.

A few months ago one of her grandsons stopped me & said, "when our dogs bark at your dogs, it makes them bark back, which upsets our dogs. Can you make your dogs stop?" Catch the funny part of that? They bark at my dogs, they bark back, & it emotionally scars her yappy dogs. BTW, her grandsons bark AT our dogs when they are in the back yard. Yes, that'll make my dogs love you. Bark at them. Then look at me like you're confused as to why they are now barking at you. Assholes.

Basically, it's been a passive aggressive pissing contest on her part. The real issues didn't start until that note about our dog...which happened the weekend after we got a brand new paved driveway & parking area, replacing the ghetto dirt that was there before. Every time we've done something to our yard, she's rushed out & try to do something more for hers. I plant flowers, she's out within 48 hours trying to plant more. We wash our front porch down, she's out the next day scrubbing hers. When we uncover our pools, last year she kept asking our water temperature, as if she was trying to track whose gets warmer first.

So yeah, there is some history there. And it leads up to the playset.

A couple weeks before we started it, I'd seen her out & I told her we'd be building one in this flat area near her yard. It's no closer to the fence than her pool. If we can deal with weirdos swimming, she can deal with laughter of children. I thought. I'd actually joked all along that she'd hate it. Little did I know I was correct. Not sure why I'm surprised, I'm always right.

As it was being built, she asked Adam, as he is surrounded by slides & other playset materials, if he was building a floor for our cheap pop up gazebo we had up in the back yard for my pregnant ass to rest under when Jules is playing outside & there isn't much shade. I get hot & dizzy easy even when not pregnant. He explained no, it was a playset. As it was built, she stared at it. Well, stared as much as she could as she spoon fed her dogs on her back porch. Once it was built, she started bringing other neighbors in her yard to point & whisper. I find her horror over it pretty funny considering her other neighbors scream, cuss, & yell at their children all day long & she doesn't mind then, she talks to them & they all love each other. Of course the big daddy over there never wears a shirt, so maybe that's why she likes her view so much.

Last week Jules & I had a lazy day. It didn't involve going outside or anything that hard in the house. We just hung out until it was time to go outside to get in the car & go to my doctors appointment.

I opened my back door & was met with a horror. A horror I'll also have nightmares about.

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A silver, cheap ass tacky looking tarp hanging from the fence.

I stood in total shock in my doorway. HOW?! WHY?! What would I do, how would I explain to people I was planning on inviting over for a cook out? "Yeah, my neighbor hates us so she put up this ugly ass eyesore. Who wants a burger?!"

I was seriously ready to cry. All of our hard work on our house. Being proud of everything we'd done. THIS is what we have now. A silver tarp. With duct tape on it. And if that wasn't classy enough, she used NEON ZIP TIES.

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NEON!

Oh, & she or whoever put it up, came into our yard to do so. A bunch of the ties were tied from our side & the gate wasn't secured shut like the husband left it. So, to add insult to injury, she also just left her trash in our yard.

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We found like a dozen of those things just laying around the yard.

I was angry. I vented the rest of the day. I had no idea what to do. It's HER fence, so I can't do anything. We are planning on putting a privacy fence up, but that is on the agenda for next spring, not now. I finally came up with an idea of putting a cheap, quick growing hedge up. I figured it was better than nothing & while it wouldn't cover all the tarp this summer, it'd cover most. The day after the silver tarp came up, Adam & I talked about this in the backyard, the hedge I mean. With her barking dogs, who now bark more because they can hear us but they can't see us, I announced I felt like I lived next to the animal shelter with that cinder block color tarp & the yapping. We went in on the edge of dark, around 8:30. Adam pops out & back in to tell me, "she's taking it down!" I figured my hedge talk scared her. The woman obviously hates plats, hence her hate for my trees. Adam burst my bubble minutes later to tell me, "she's putting it back up...she's expanding it." So now she's making it cover the entire fence. Lovely. It was pitch black out so we couldn't see anything. We assumed it was the same tarp.

Oh no friends, we were wrong.

I wake up the next morning to see that Adam had left me a text message as he left that morning. "The neighbor put up a fucking camo tarp."

I open the door & almost screamed. The silver had been replaced with CAMO.

Growing up in a rural place, I saw alot of camo. That was a plus for me moving a few years ago, camo isn't nearly as "popular" as it was in my past living area. Thankfully, as I've never been a fan of it. But now? I'm living beside a full coverage camo tarp.

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And I'm horrified by it. No one needs camo unless you're hunting or on an episode of My Big Redneck Wedding.

Camo.

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Ugh.

I feel like I should learn to play the banjo & find a cousin to marry. Thank you, neighbor, for reminding everyone we live in West Virginia.

This is not what I'd planned for my summer. My plan for the summer included watching Jules play & swim while drinking my Simply Orange brand lemonade while feeding my living, breathing, newborn. You know, like a god damn juice commercial or something. I've never even watch MASH, but now I feel like I'm suppose to reenact scenes from it.

What's really amusing is that the fence is not put up well. Not at all. It's bent & ugly, hence us planning on our own fence. But now we're just waiting for it to blow through the air when a good storm hits since that lovely tarp blocks the airflow. I'm hoping it blows my way. If so, I'm running outside & laying on the ground, pretending it hit me so I can sue.

And as I've told the husband several times...if he'd just had sex with her years ago, we may not be dealing with this right now.

So as I sat, staring in disbelief, I tried to think how this can be a good thing. I finally decided that we can use it as a movie backdrop.

Yes, seriously. I came up with some Culver Productions.

"Dino vs. Dino"

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A tale of two dinos, one badass named Spike & another paranoid, scared cartoonish creature named Rex. Will these two be able to learn that while they are each different, in the end they are both dinosaurs & doomed to extinction so they might as well get along already? On a side mission, the pair hunt down Kirk Cameron & yell at him, "See, we exist!" Because dinosaurs can talk.

"Toy Story Army"

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Woody, Buzz, & Jesse decide that there is no real honor in being Andy's toys. Seriously, they are all just yard sale material waiting to happen eventually. So they decide to bravely serve their country! But little do they know, that the evil Zurg has followed them!

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"This Would Have Never Happened If He Wore Pants!"

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Led by the beloved childrens character with pants, Mickey...

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Minnie, Daisy, Pluto, & special guest star Fozzy Bear, go on air strike missions when they get they must rescue Donald, whose been arrested as a sex offender for walking around all the time without pants. Mickey always told him to put the damn pants on & stop running around with those young "nephews" of his! And even Fozzy Bear is like, "WTF?!" at his backdrop...

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"You're Lion-in"

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A face off of a lion & an elephant lead to an unlikely friendship.

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The elephant loves his new friend, even though he's a rare midget lion. Lionel, the elephant, sees the lion for who he is on the inside. Get your tissues out now, it's a tear jerker.

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But only because the lion is an evil backstabber, who only befriended Lionel as a dare to enter a local gang. Sadness. Gang violence...it's everywhere.

And don't even ask what that is up the lions ass.

"Lionel's Resurrection"

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Thanks to the bravery of a young jungle boy, Lionel is given another chance at life. Yay, jungle boy!

"Ode to Glenn Beck"

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Self explanatory I think. And yes, that's a children book. It's the only Glenn Beck propaganda in the house. Buddy dog is a faithful follower.

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"My Husband Loves Rambo"

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He also loves shutting, but not locking the windows in our house so I'll get murdered. And throwing all his dirty clothes in front of the empty washer or hamper, not in either of them.

"PeeWee Gump"

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To redeem himself & his penis play, PeeWee joins the army. Bubba Globe didn't make it.

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He died in PeeWee Forest's* arms.

*Is it just me, or is "PeeWee Forest a really funny name?

"Platoon: The Remake"

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VS.

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It's 2010, we're remaking every movie ever made. Even Freddy Kruger is coming back. Why not Platoon...emphasis on the "toon."

These fine features will be coming soon...or I'll just go nuts & the ugly ass tarp down when I'm tired of making MASH jokes, claiming to know nothing of it & blaming vandals in the night. Redneck vandals. It is West Virginia, it could happen.

May 2010 Neighbor Update: My neighbor, she's still nuts. Knowing it was the weekend of the 1 year mark of our sons death, she decided it was the perfect time to announce that we'd flooded her basement when we drained our pool a couple weeks ago. Our pool is on the other side of our house. And we drained it into a storm drain directly. And we'd drained the pool the same way for years. But she now confronts us with the news that we flooded her basement, she knows it was us, & she's got the pictures of her flooded basement that she wanted to show Adam. It couldn't have been that, you know, week of raining & area flooding that caused her basement to flood. Nope, it was my pool being drained a week before, far away from her house, & draining into a gutter that takes the water into a storm drain. It's amazing really. I'm awaiting a lawsuit when we refuse her request for money, which I'm sure she'll make eventually.

**Edit to add. My husband is whining about how I "stole" his funnies, so I'm putting a disclaimer now to give him his due. Many jokes were bad between us were used in this blog. I didn't know either of us had ownership of them. It was a joint effort, & now he's paranoid he's just seem as one of my minions (which he is, but don't tell him that). So he's not, he's a man of his own lameness. He's also such a cry baby. :b I think he's just crying about it because my blog was posted first & I didn't realize he was doing a similar blog. And now I think he's worried that mine is funnier. I'm sure it is, but give him some love, too. You know, tell him how funny his wife is & stuff. :)

14 comments:

  1. Only you, Jess, could come up with such comedy. I love that Adam plays along. I think I may have to stop reading your blog as laughing so hard causes contractions.

    Random- I'm obssessed with Simply Lemonade. Yum!

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  2. Best entertainment I've had all night!!

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  3. Eek! Stop reading! Don't make Nora want to come out & read it herself!

    Simply Lemonade is fabulous. Have you tried the raspberry version? I like to alternate personally.

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  4. That was hilarious, thank you!

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  5. Too funny! I say you are better off with the tarp. Better than having to see HER!

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  6. Omg, I'm too sick to be laughing this hard! Awesome!!!!

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  7. Maybe she wanted the camo to "blend" in. LMAO-Jess, you made my day.

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  8. I'm a bit upset that y'all didn't at least try to do a Larry the Cable Guy remake, ya know...with all the camo already laying around. Could you do me a favor..dress up Adam in a plaid shirt with the sleeves cut off, a dirty camo hat..and have him talk like he just got back from 'pleasing' his first cousin or something. You could even put stuffed pigs and cows in the background. THAT would complete this picture.

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  9. Tara, I've never seen any Larry the Cable Guy so it didn't come to mind. But now that you've told me, I'll see what I can do for you.

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  10. I don't envy you at all. That's some pretty bad neighbors!!

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  11. Okay I hadn't posted here yet even though I loved the post. But today after seeing this ad on the side of your page I had to post because it remineded me of your post..

    Stop Your Dog's Barking
    Stop Excessive Barking with a Few Tips & Helpful Advice from Iams.com
    Iams.com/Barking-Dog

    I know you don't exactly control what gets stuck over there but I wonder if they scan your posts for related items?

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  12. LMAO! Omg I'm crying I'm laughing SO hard! Love it!
    *HUGS*

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  13. I found your blog by reading Becky's. First, I'm so sorry about little Joel. Nothing can ever take away that awful feeling.

    Second, you are hilarious! I have just left WestByGodVirginia myself. I remarried 4.5 years ago, and my husband has a house and 45 acres on the side of a mountain just 30 miles from where I work in Virginia. ANYway, we've bought a place in the Keys, I'm staying with my sister till the school year ends, then I'm moving to Florida and will never again have to say that I live in WV!

    *ahem*

    I can't see any of the photos (the school's filter blocks them; wow, they must be GOOD!), but the descriptions are wonderful. You're handling that old bat just perfectly.

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  14. OMG! Hahahah! What a crazy psycho!

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