Know that annoying phrase "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive" or something like that?
Well, I'm adding to that.
"You're going to get fucked up in that web mess. RUN!"
But you see, it's not the person making the web of lies that has to worry. That's just an empty threat you tell your kids so they won't lie about brushing their teeth. It's those around them, the subject of the lies. The person whose done nothing, but somehow ends up looking like a huge bitch in a situation. They are going to get fucked. How do I know?
I totally got fucked today.
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since that faithful Friday night when my family exploded. I did speak to my mother that one day for about 4 minutes. We know how that went.
I tried calling yesterday. Left two messages. In my 2nd, I joked that pretty soon I was going to take the hint & go out to Cracker Barrel to find Jules grandparents. I hadn't planned what I was going to say in that message, maybe I should have. I was joking of course. But after I hung up I realized I'd eventually get a response to that little message.
First thing this morning, my dad called. I called him right back. I never should have. He jumped into the message, & started in on how they "aren't mad, just have hurt feelings." I remember looking at myself in the mirror at that point & just giving myself a "this isn't happening, is it?" look since no one else was around to share that look with.
Within the first few minutes of the conversation, he started in on how Adam & my mom have a problem with each other. Or that Adam has a problem with my mom. I forget how it was stated. He rambled about how he was "standoffish" with my mom & how "other people have commented on it, too." At this point I just laugh while I break out into tears, he tells me he's not trying to upset me. I explain I'm not upset, I'm just freaking out because he sounds like Adam's mother in all those exchanges he had with her. Talking about how he doesn't have to like them but he should act civil, blah blah blah. His mom said the same things. And to make it even funnier to me, my mom's huge issue when I talked to her about the going on's with Adam's family was how "if they have any issues with you, they shouldn't put Adam in a position where they complain to him about you or anything you do, it doesn't matter & they need to suck it up & go on with life instead of complaining about his spouse."
...how was this different exactly? I'm not sure. Oh, wait, I know. It's not.
At this point I hear my mother in the background feeding stuff to my dad. I get tired of it & tell him, "if she's got something to say, she needs to get on the phone, otherwise she needs to shut up & leave the room." He shut her up then, but this would happen from time to time through the entire hour long phone call.
He goes back into wedding bullshit. He tells me about how "Adam shouldn't have said those things to your mom the night before the wedding." I asked what things & he wouldn't tell me. But I told him what was said. See, my parents, mainly my mom, cornered me alone in the house at like 1am the night before our wedding, complaining about how people at our wedding would think that I "didn't like my family," talking about how Adam's family was going to get to talk & have their dances announced, etc. I'd tried to tell my parents nothing like that was happening, but they didn't believe me. For some reason, they were convinced we were getting a red carpet out for his family, announcing everyone, & just all of this insanity. None of which was ever said or true. My mom came about 10 minutes later, with me still crying about what has just went down, & Adam started out speaking to my mom by saying he was sorry if they'd misunderstood, but they weren't going to announce his family dances & things like that. My mother flipped out on him, started yelling & threatening to go get my dad out of bed. But she's told my dad the "awful" things he said to her when he said nothing bad at all. No yelling, no names, no cursing...nothing. So whatever she's told him is a total & complete lie. My dad also tells me how my mom had told him even on the day of the wedding that we "weren't going to allow" him to speak at the wedding. Even though the DJ knew he & Adam's dad were going to speak & my own mother discussed it with me several times, she was still telling my dad to his face that we weren't going to allow him to. She even came to me & we discussed who was going to first, him or Adam's dad, at the wedding. But my dad tells me he didn't know we were going to "allow" him to until the DJ came up & told him. So basically, while my mom is talking to me about the plans for him to give a toast, she's going to him & saying, "they still aren't going to let you."
So basically, these lies are nothing new. And I'm not sure why I'm discussing the things that happened at my wedding 3 years later. I now hate my own wedding. My husband's family didn't like it for a list of reasons, my family didn't like it for a list of reasons...why didn't we just go to Vegas?
I ask him to get back to 2010 if he didn't mind, because that's way more relevant than our wedding.
He then told me that Friday night, I was basically a meanie the entire time. He told me how I "made fun" of them. I asked what he was talking about. In discussion about Mac's (yes, computers), my uncle was highly recommending them to us. My dad mentioned something about looking for a new computer & I started talking about how difficult I thought Mac's were, how he'd never figure them & about how I can't figure them out to save my life, then went into joking about how I was happy I dropped out of the college I first went to because they only used Macs & I was too stupid to use them. If anything, I looked stupid. He told me my uncle "looked at me like I was stupid the rest of the night."
...really? Really? This is why he is mad at me & not talking to me? Because he's paranoid someone looked at him like he was stupid?
More talking goes on. Eventually, he tells me how embarrassing it is to him when his family finds out they aren't allowed to see Jules anymore. I interrupted him & asked what he meant, I never said they couldn't. He tells me my mother told him I said "you can't see Jules for a few weeks."
I wanted to get in my car & go to her house to punch her at this point. And honestly, in the hours since this phone call, I've had to remind myself I'm pregnant several times because I seriously want to go beat up my own mother.
I set him straight. I never said that they couldn't see Jules. I said Jules couldn't stay the night for a while. I told her in that some phone call to call me back that night, so he could still come over & visit the next day, plus he'd still be coming back that Thursday because of my ultrasound appointment. She knew he could still come over. She never called me back & my phone calls went ignored. She knew that wasn't the deal, even though she told my dad that.
He kept going on & on about hurt feelings, so finally I lost it. I ask him if he wants to talk hurt feelings, lets talk mine, let's talk about how they knew I had an important appointment with a specialist that week & they ignored my calls asking if they were going to watch Jules, they ignored my calls about my ultrasound. He tells me how they didn't know about it. I call bullshit & tell him they did, then he corrects himself & says they didn't know when it was. I, again, call bullshit. I told him maybe he didn't, but my mother did. My mother, my aunt, & myself discussed it at the table that epic night after that dinner from hell. He tells me I should have called & left a message. I tell him I did, I tell him how I left a detailed message a few days before talking about the ultrasound & how I needed to know if they were going to keep Jules or not, because Adam would have to take off work, blah blah blah. He was silent. I asked if he heard that message. Nope, he hadn't. Turns out, he hadn't heard any of the messages when I've called & talked about Jules or him coming over.
Oh yeah, my mother checks all their messages.
I quickly begin to piece all of this together. My mother lied about what I told her on the phone. She's been deleting the messages I'd left, minus the ones that I didn't mention Jules or anything important. This entire time, she's been giving him half truth & blatant lies to make me look like the bad guy so she can cry & play the victim.
He also tells me how we never discussed the problems with giving Jules bottles with them. I reminded him that Adam, him, & I were in the kitchen like 3 months ago discussing how we didn't want to keep giving him bottles, that we'd stopped already & he argued that it wasn't that long ago. I told him I didn't care to fight about when we talked to him about it, but that I'd talked to my mother about it for such a long time I can't even pin point when I started it with her & that I'm sure she wasn't telling him any of that either. While it may not have been talked about with him alot, it was with her. But considering she's deleting my messages about important appointments & not telling him about them, why would I expect her to tell the truth about that?
I also said "actually, with how she was with me as a kid, she's fucking lucky I let her keep my kid at all" & went all to remind him of some "loving" memories I have of my mother that he knows about, from screaming at me, keeping me up all night freaking out on me, & breaking a hair brush over my head. I also asked if he was aware of some of the things she has said to me over the past several months. I told him how I've invited them over dozens of times, & she tells me no that she doesn't want to come to my house or my "bad neighborhood," that if we want to visit it has to be at their house. I asked if he ever knew I'd invited them over, he admitted he didn't. I asked if he knew last Easter I wanted to have a get together over here, & she laughed at my suggestion & lectured me on how they go to a nice place & eat dinner & didn't have time to be over here on Easter. He didn't say anything, but he acted like he didn't know about that either. And I finally threw out that while he's busy watching Adam for signs of coldness towards my mother, she'd behind his back making faces & rolling her eyes at me. And how the only reason I've ever put up with any of it is because of my kids & him. But obviously it wasn't worth it since she's going to manipulate even situations involving them so he'll think she is the victim no matter what.
He kept pulling that ol' line of "let's just drop it & start over" with the added lecture of "sometimes people get their feelings hurt, but you just have to get over it & move on."
I asked why didn't he take he own damn advice for the past 2 1/2 weeks. He couldn't answer that. Oh, he also told me that I could have gotten in my car at any point & drove over to see them face to face in these past 2 1/2 weeks since they weren't answering my calls. Why is that MY job exactly? I was calling. They were ignoring. I should knock on their door so they might answer & look at me like they don't want to see me? Sorry, not my idea of fun. Plus, I've been sick, I've had appointments, & we've had things to deal with. But they wouldn't know that because they've not spoken to me.
I finally ask if my mother has anything to say. He beats around the bush & never answers. I, again, ask if my mother has anything to say about this or if she was just having him represent her. Again, he rambles. I finally say "I'll take that as a no, she's not going to talk to me." He kinda laughed & admitted she didn't want to talk about it. I tell him she's got no choice. She can't pull these things out of her ass & then I find out she's blatantly lying to him about my phone calls & everything I say, then expect me to never talk about it with her. He tells me he understand & will let her know, then goes into how I can call anytime, which I correct. I tell him I've called for almost 3 weeks & been ignored the whole time, I'm tired of listening to their machine. The next call will be from their end & when I answer it, it better be my mother because nothing is happening until I get answers from her.
End of discussion.
So I've spent the rest of the day going from angry to crying, all between trying to take care of Jules & his craziness. I talked to my cousins wife, who is a shrink, & even she can't give me any suggestions or words of wisdom.
I seriously want to yell & scream at my mother, ask her what I did to deserve her, why she was just lying about everything & manipulating the entire situation, ask what kind of sick enjoyment she gets out of this. But then I realize she'll avoid & just try to lie her way out of it, which will take me back to wanting to punch her. That woman isn't going to say a single thing that will be truthful. I'd even take "I was pissed off at you, so I lied to get your dad mad at you" & be happy. But she won't. She'll tell me she "misunderstood" & she "didn't get the other messages" when I talked about Jules or my appointments. I can hear it now because I've heard it before. Not to this degree of knowing she's playing me & lying to my face, but I've heard it before when I figured that's what was going on. And honestly, I've got nothing to say at this point. There is nothing to say.
How exactly does one discuss something openly & honestly with a person who is a liar & a manipulator? Has does one even begin to rationalize with someone who isn't rational? And considering my father put up with this for years himself with her, why does he seem so dedicated to believing her side of it than mine? Ten years ago my parents separated. When he took her back, I looked at him in our living room & told him it'd be the worse mistake of his life. He's since agreed with me...a few times. I said it for his sake, for watching what she did to him for many years. Guess I should have been a little more convincing of it & I wouldn't be dealing with any of this now.
I was watching a Lifetime movie the other day & a teen mom said something like she'd heard that souls pick who they want as parents & she was asking another person if they thought that was true.
Let me answer that for you now.
No. We do not fucking pick our parents. If I did, something is wrong with me.
I'm so happy to hear these things & deal with this insanity, because I have nothing else going on in my life right now. Nope, not at all. I have no stress or worries. I have nothing going on at all. Give me your lies, guilt, & insanity. It'll give me something to do.
Update, because everyone loves an update.
My mother called me tonight. She told me she was calling to set up a time to pick up Jules. I told her that I'd like to talk about some things, she asked what I was talking about. I asked her, "when I talked to dad earlier, he told me that you told him that I wasn't going to let you guys see Jules for a few weeks...I didn't tell you that, I know you know I didn't say that, so why did you tell dad that?"
Mind you, I was totally calm & didn't even sound like I'd been a mess all day. She started with, "Well, I misunderstood..." & I'm thinking she's getting ready to tell me she didn't understand what I meant. Nope, not even that.
"Well, I misunderstood the reason I was calling I guess, because I'm not talking about any of that." She then rants about how she's not going to debate with me & she doesn't owe me any answers & she wasn't going to talk about any of this with me. Each word getting louder than the last.
I tell her she can't just go almost 3 weeks without talking to me, have dad call me this morning & cast so much light on things & then not tell me why she lied about what I'd told her about seeing Jules. And then I threw out that I know she also didn't bother telling him I'd called about that ultrasound appointment. She then screams at me that "Oh, I told him about that message, the one where you said you didn't care if we didn't keep him, because you have Adam & he can just do it."
I tell her it wasn't like that, I tell her what I said in the message again & told her I'd called to ask if they were going to keep him & gave her 24 hours to call & tell me before Adam had to call in for work because I couldn't miss that appointment.
She again yells at me, telling me she owes me no answers & she wasn't going into any of this with me.
I say something else before I realized she hung up on me.
In the next minute, I tell Adam about how she just flipped out on me & was just calling to see when she could pick our son up without talking about any of these things. I then decided, fuck it, I'm calling my dad again.
I call back. She answers...calmly, like nothing happened. I tell her it's me & I want to speak to my dad. She throws the phone down & tells my dad I want to speak to him all pissy. I talk to my dad. Again.
As before, I told him she wasn't going to throw all of this shit out to him, then get off without talking about any of it, that she wasn't going to start shit, then yell & fuss at me like she did...that I didn't put up with that from Adam's family & I wasn't going to put up with her doing it. He, again, ask what I want to talk about with her. I tell him I want to talk about why she told him I said they couldn't see Jules for a few weeks. He then tells me he didn't say that to me today.
*sigh* yet again.
He tells me he got mixed up, that what she's actually told him was that I said they couldn't see him but for an hour or two. I told him that made no sense, that there was a huge difference in that & what he said earlier & there was a huge difference between spending a couple hours & not seeing him at all.
He the tells me he actually did know about the message I left about my ultrasound, but he argued I just said "doctors appointment" in it & he didn't know I meant the ultrasound. I know I said ultrasound, I know it. But I told him I'd not argue that, let's say I said doctors appointment. I asked didn't it bother him at all that even though he had no idea what doctors appointment it was, she did. He didn't have much to say to that.
What I figured out in all of this was that he went back to her & told her everything I laid out for him. How I told him what I'd really said & how I'd left the message about my specialist appointment. I'm sure that pissed him off because as screwed up as my dad is, he does care. So I'm guessing what happened was my mother just "expanded" her story. Told him I may have said they could see him a couple hours here & there, & how she heard the message but I didn't say what kind of appointment it was.
He starts telling me, "I'll see if I can get her to answer that one question for you" meaning that question about why she told him I said Jules couldn't come over. Of course, if he was now saying she didn't really say that, it didn't make sense. I told him to forget it. I tried that, she won't. And heaven forbid she answers me & I have more questions & maybe even a discussion.
He told me that he can't remember everything word for word, that he's getting her side & then talking to me about it, that people with the issues should talk about them. I agreed & told him I tried, but she refused & hung up on me. Then he told me how almost 3 weeks has passed & everyone's memory fades about all the fine details. I agreed & told him that's why I tried calling the day after that bad night at their house & several times since then. He said people need to talk face to face. I told him I'd love to, but I'm not bringing my kid over to watch it. He tells me I can come alone & I quickly tell him that since they are listing issues with Adam, I think he needs to be there as well, & he agreed that made sense as well.
My dad does alot of agreeing, but not much standing up for me in this.
My dad told me he didn't understand why I couldn't open up to them. Yes, seriously. I threw out the annoying hellish past couple of weeks. How I had that scare on Saturday. How I have to appeal & debate with insurance all the time, I'm waiting any day now to get a reject letter about Joel's autopsy & how I'll have to write another graphic letter about how a baby autopsy is needed. How I'm stressed out with other things we have going on. And how I'd have no problem telling him any of this. But that it sucks that I couldn't call & tell them what was going on. I tell him I'd told my mom about all the medical bills, I assumed he knew, I figure telling my mother we owe an insane amount of money for things, she'd tell my dad. I didn't want to tell both of them & make them think I was trying to ask for money. He tried to tell me she didn't know either, but I told him she did, that the last time we got a $4500 bill in, I called her on the way home from the post office in tears. She told me to pay $5 a month & get over it basically. He told me if I was scared Saturday, I could have "called & left a detailed message" & they would have called me back. So...something bad has to happen for them to call me back? Me saying I need to talk to them isn't enough? Do I have to break all bad news to their answering machine? Last time my mom got her panties in a bunch Joel died. I had to break that news to their machine & they didn't bother listening to it until the next morning.
He talked more about how I don't come over & visit them, how we don't come & have cook outs & things. Mind you, we have several last summer. It's hard to cook out in winter in West Virginia. So I asked if he knew about what my mom & I had been planning for a few weeks, we'd been planning cook outs & talking about how we were going to buy this & that, Adam was going to cook, blah blah blah. He sat quietly & told me she didn't tell him any of that. I told him, "Yeah, one was going to happen in April, but at this rate I guess not anymore." I asked if he thought I really felt welcomed to just visit, when my mom makes comments to me about my parenting, my house, & my life in general...do you really want to hang out with people who put you down? And when exactly are we all suppose to load up & go over there all day? After Adam gets home Jules naps. After that we eat. In between all of that, we're doing things for school & trying to clean the house, do laundry, etc. It'd be great to have time to hang out & visit with people, but we don't do that with anyone, wasn't like anyone was avoiding them. I could see their argument if I was out visiting other people & having get together without them, but that's not the case. I got together with my cousin's wife & their kids once since 2010 started. My only outing this year so far. I also told him that I still don't think Adam acts badly with my mom, but if he did & I just didn't notice, can you really blame him? He just heard my mom screaming at me over nothing on the phone, as he has other times. He's had to deal with me upset & sad too many times. He had to deal with me being sad that my mom didn't want to spend easter with us. So you know what, maybe he is bitter towards her. Most people would be, just myself & my dad are so use to it now we aren't. He agreed. Like he agreed again that he never knew they'd been invited over, like he never knew we'd made plans for summer things already.
In the end, I told him he was more than welcome to call or come over anytime, we're usually always home. Told him he can help build our swing set like we'd planned for over a month now. Told him I'd call him on his cell phone. But calling that house? Done. I can't say I'm happy with my dad in this situation either, part of me wishes he'd be as pissed at my mom as I am. Of course I think he is, he's just not letting me know. He knows she's been lying to him & leaving things out & making the situation look way worse than it is. He knows she's said cruel things to me. I can tell he's sad. He misses me & he misses Jules. That makes me sad. He is worried this baby will die, too. He's upset he sat back for 3 weeks & just let this all go on. But my mother, she's insane. I told him this was our own fault, that we tolerated way too much for way too long, so now she feels like she can do this & get away with it.
So he agrees. He knows I'm telling the truth. But in the end, he's not going to do much of anything about it. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. He wants to keep the peace, he doesn't want to deal with my mother. Can't say I blame him, but at the same time you can't ignore things just because you don't want to deal with them. He said he'd see what happens over the next couple days. I doubt that means much of everything.
I'd gotten use to not having a mom all these years. It still made me sad, but I was use to it. She was never going to be the mom others had & I wanted. But over the last couple years, I've lost my dad. He's the family I had all these years. He fought with her alot of years. I think he's out of fight. And I'm out of forgiveness without someone actually being sorry. I think that's a losing combination in this situation. And as sad as that makes me, I know it's not my fault. I can hope something happens, an awakening on my mothers part, but I use to wish for that as a kid. Never happened. I doubt it will happen as an adult.
I'm sad. I have enough to be sad over in my life. I'd like it to stop.
That last line sounds like I'm going to go jump off a bridge, but I'm not, I promise. I'm just going to sit here sad & wonder if something I did in a past life I don't even believe in cursed me in this life. Because really, if people deserve a break in whatever mess in life there is...am I not one of them? Jeesh.