Ever hear of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?
If not, what rock do you live under? And can I live with you?
For those two of you who have never heard of it & didn't bother to click the link above, it's a game you can play to link actors back to Kevin Bacon, in 6 degrees or less.
Tonight I realized that I personally play a game I'm calling Six Degrees of Dead Baby. But really, it's usually like 3 or 4 degrees, because I'm that good at it.
I was going through my normally boring task of organizing my closet. Basically, every 10-12 months I do this. It's really not as much organizing as it is cleaning up the mess that's been ignored all this time until I can't find my pants anymore. To leave the house, you should wear pants. So when I can't find those, I realize it's time to clean up the closet.
I realized this was the first time I'd done it since Adam & I combined closets last April/May so Joel could have his own room. I went through the mundane task of going through clothes, sorting summer & winter clothes. About half way through I was ready to jump out of the bedroom window. However, it's very small & I would likely not fit. So instead, I ignored it all & went on with my task.
How is it every piece of clothing I own reminds me of the fact that I'm a dead baby mom?
I found clothes I bought when I was looking for something to wear to Joel's service. I bought like 5 outfits, not knowing what I'd feel up to that day when it actually came.
I found the shirt I wore to make his service arrangements.
I hate that shirt.
The top my mom bought me after Joel died, as her effort to take me shopping to make me feel better about the dead baby issues we'd just gone through.
I came across the shirt I wore to my uncle's wake back in December 2006. This couldn't have dead baby memories on it, it was impossible.
Then I sat there thinking what I wore with that shirt. I realized I wore these wool pants & that I'd sold them on ebay to clear out my closet when I was...you guessed it...pregnant with Joel.
I found a shirt I've never worn that I bought to replace a shirt that got ruined in our old washing machine to go with this great skirt I have. Last time I actually wore it was when Adam & I got engaged.
Then we had a dead baby a couple years later.
How do I mange to relate simple things back to that? I can relate Uncrustables back to my dead on. Adam was teaching summer school, where he ate Uncrustables for lunch, when I got pregnant with Joel.
Uncrustables?! I can related some over priced pre-made mini-sandwich to my dead son? Really?
Of course, tonight I realized that everything surrounding him dying just makes these things worse. Because not only do I think about him dying, I think about everything around it. Bad doctors, bad family, bad everything.
I should have created a drinking game instead. At least then, the booze would take my mind off all things.
I don't expect to "get over" this, nor do I want to. But I would like to at least be able to get over relating everything back to my old life & the changes since.