Monday, March 29, 2010

The great swing set adventure.

This entire story has the potential to be as great as the story of my couch.

Oh yeah, speaking of that husband AGAIN broke my Dyson.

What the fuck?

Anyway, back to the swing set.

I'm antisocial. I don't like people. Mainly because minus you weirdos who seem to love my humor & my honesty, along with my sometimes foul language, most people think I'm a meanie. I really do write like I live, make the same smart comments, & just overall disturb people sometimes. Because of this, I like to keep my interaction with folks limited. I take my kid to the park, but it's hard not to punch people. You know the people...the ones who let their 8 year olds bully your 2 year old, the ones who smoke like freight trains a foot away from the playground equipment, the ones who let their kids throw rocks all over the place so your kid will eventually get hit & cry. Or like I experienced last time we went to the park, the ones who let their kids being their various toy weapons, from guns to bows, & allow them to climb to the top of the playground equipment & pretend to shoot all the other children.

Maybe I'm not antisocial as much as I'm paranoid of being the first victim of some kid who will eventually be on some MSNBC show called "Children Who Kill."

Anyway, we have a yard. An ugly yard, but a yard. In the city, it's rare you have a yard. Our son loves being outside. Me? I hate the outdoors. I'm afraid of birds pooping on me, snakes eating me, bugs biting me, & the sun. How much do I hate the sun? Last fall I was outside for an extended amount of time doing yard work & within a few hours I had "bug bites." But I was wearing bug spray & didn't get bit. By the next day, bumps were popping up places that were covered & I was scratching so bad I thought I was going to remove my skin. A trip to urgent care & guess what? I got diagnosed with a fancy term that basically meant I had an allergic reaction to the sun & my itchy bumps were hives. And it wasn't even sunny out! It took like two weeks for the hives to go away & I took steroids for 2 weeks as well.

But for the sake of my son, I try to suck it up & go outside. I mean, I like to plant flowers. Well, I don't like it. I hate dirt, but I like to have a decent looking house that makes people think I love my life & house. I don't want to be the ugly house on the street. But anyway, outside. We have your basic stuff outside...water table, sand box, balls, the basics. But I wanted a swing set. I knew he'd love it. And I knew I'd love knowing he could play on something without making me run all across the yard kicking his ball to him as he stood in one place yelling, "get it mommy, me here" meaning "Bitch, you chase that ball & I'm not moving off this mound of dirt, you need to move faster."

Growing up, I had a swing set. One of those awesome metal ones. I think many of us can remember those. You couldn't use them during the sunny part of the day unless you wanted to get first degree burns on the back of your legs. Now the hip trend in parenting is wooden swing sets. Oh, sorry, play sets. They aren't just swing sets anymore folks, they are play sets. Get with the times. If you love your child, you'll spend way too much money on a play set.

And that is what we planned to do. Because I love my kid. And because I don't want to always have to take him to the park to let him be a pretend victim of some kids while I wheeze because their rude ass parents blow smoke around me.

I'd been looking since last year. Seriously. I wanted the best bang for my buck. Over the past couple months, I found that we could actually get a better set for my price range if we got a kit with accessories. That is, everything you need but the wood. We could spend $600 & get something awesome, or we could buy a kit with the wood included & get something not that awesome. Really, if I wanted something awesome with the wood included it'd be around $1000. Sure, something small would work now, but I wanted something that could work with the kids for the next couple years, then we could add on a bit more as they grew.

I talked it over with Adam, since he'd the one who'd have to build it. He was totally into the idea of buying the kit then buying the lumber separate. I asked then, "well, do you want to get something small this year, since you've never built anything before?" His response? "Go big or go home."

Oh yeah, I want to repeat something. He's never built anything before. Never.

Proving that I'm dumb, I order a set online. Two levels, two slides, a climbing wall, neato stuff. It's called "The Eurocastle."

Sounds like a gay porno to be, but whatever.

I figure the worse part will be Adam building it. People have known about this decision for weeks on my facebook, & people have already started laughing at him. My job was easy. I order it. I accept delivery. I take pictures & blog about it. We all laugh at Adam.

Fate likes to laugh at me though, so it decided to make my part hell.

Order our Eurocastle & pay to have it sent to us. Another reason ordering online was needed was because we drive a Volkswagon & a Kia. Neither of these brands scream "great use for hauling shit." So having it dropped off at our house was a must.

After a few days, my tracking info lets me know it's made it to our local terminal, about an hour away. I get a call at 6:30 in the morning & a message saying they want to set up time to drop it off that day. Well, the other problem is that I used Adam's debit card to order it online, so it's in his name. They want to deal with him, not me. OK, whatever. I let him know & tell him to call me back when he knows something.

Adam calls me back & tells me we have a problem. The local terminal only has very large tractor trailers. Since we live in the city, they asked him if they'd be able to get a large truck up our street. He tells them yes, but told them he wasn't sure how easy it'd be for them to get out since it'd require turning sharply. He would later admit he shouldn't have said anything. So they tell him they aren't sure they will bring it to us, that we may have to come pick it up ourselves or meet them somewhere & get it home ourselves. Adam, being not a bitch, doesn't put them in their place like I would. I get fired up of course, & tell him we are not going to worry about renting a truck & bringing it home ourselves. No way, no how. I call the company we ordered from & tell them what they are reporting to us. They call the trucking company. When the company calls me back, she tells me they were never worried about coming up our street, but my husband was the one concerned & warning them about it. So they put it off on him. She tells me they are going to check to see if they can come up our street that day. If they are unable to, they will park down the block & they will physically carry it to our house.

So yeah, not our problem.

The shipping company, called Testes (if you click the link, you'll see I only added one letter to alter their name), had some guy who was named Darryl dealing with us. I call him Darryl because that's his name & he deserves the public shame. Somehow in all of this, I decided he was the biggest idiot involved. He was the one who was suppose to decide if they'd be able to bring the truck down our street.

Adam was suppose to get a call from Darryl around 4pm. He doesn't. He calls Testes & speaks to someone who knows nothing about the situation & Darryl had gone home without telling anyone anything. Has Adam call back in 15 minutes so he can call the guy at home to find out something. Adam calls back & is told no decisions have been made & Darryl was going to call the company we ordered from the next morning. This doesn't fly for me, because I know that means they are going to try to weasel out of shipping it to our house. Adam tells this guy we already spoke to the company & were told that they were either going to be able to drive it to our house, or we were told they'd have to park as close as they could & then physically carry it to our house. The shipping company gets their panties in a bunch & tells Adam they will not happen. I have Adam ask what the options are for them then. He tells Adam, again, we can pick it up at the terminal an hour away, meet them somewhere between the locations & pick it up from their truck & get it home ourselves, or they get a pick up truck & bring it to us.

Yes, that's right, they try to find a pick up truck. This guy tells Adam he'll go check it out & see if it'll fit in a pick up truck & he'll call him back. Time goes by, he never calls back. Adam calls him & he tells Adam he's not done it yet. After a few minutes, the terminal manager, Don, calls Adam & tells him he's sorry for all the run around & no matter what, we would get it the next day. He'd have someone call by 9am to tell us what time they'd bring it to our house.

Yay, something has been done.

Well, 9am the next day comes & goes. By 11, Adam calls them. No one knows anything about this. Don told no one.

Yes, seriously.

So Adam deals with Darryl. Again. Everything has to be explained. Again. Options gone over. Again. Adam reminds him that it's their job to get it to our driveway & that we are not renting anything to haul it, if it wanted to do that we would have rented something & bought it locally. Darryl starts talking about how he will try to talk to someone & get him to bring it to us in his pick up, but complained that he'd have to pay the guy mileage. He's suppose to call Adam back & let him know if they can do it that day.

I get annoyed again because it's been sitting there for 2 or 3 days & I'm still being told they aren't sure how they are going to get it to us or when. This shouldn't be taking all of these days when it's just sitting in a corner. Call the company we ordered from because I'm thinking maybe they can light a fire under their asses. They call me back & tell me that the shipping company says they are for sure bringing it today, that they are calling someone in on their day off to drive it up to us. All because they don't want to park 1/2 block down the street & carry it. Two plastic slides & a box.

The day continues. No one ever calls to tell us when it's suppose to be here. Finally, I call the shipping company to make sure it's actually coming, since what they tend to tell us & tell the company we ordered from two different things. I speak to Darryl, who tells me he already spoke to my husband about when it'll be there. I call bullshit, because Adam's text message asking if I'd heard anything is what prompted me to call. He changes his story then & tells me it'll be there any minute. I send Adam a text letting him know & he tells me how they did call...right after I called them. Oh, & let's not forget Darryl acting like he deserved a medal because he wasn't going to charge us (?!) for having to use a personal truck to bring it to us, they were going to "take the charges on" themselves. Because they wouldn't drive their business truck 6 houses down & carry crap up to me. Oh, & they wouldn't hand it over to another delivery company. That was an option for them as well, which they refused to do.

I watched for them. I opened the gate for my driveway. I told Jules he needed to watch Buddy Dog & Murphy, along with Blues Clues, while mommy "checked things." If he or the dogs knew someone was here, they'll all want to go outside. I didn't want to deal with a shy child, a dumb dog, & another dog who acts like he wants to eat the delivery driver who finally bothers to come to my house. I see a truck pull up.


If that isn't it, I'm concerned.

I'm not sure why he parked on the wrong side of the street & didn't just pull up my driveway, but whatever.

He sees me & ask the stupidest question I've ever heard.

"Are you ready for it?"

I wanted to tell him "Nah, bring it back next week" but I decided these people are dumb, so I better not confuse them. I tell him yes. He gets a big plastic slide out & I point him to the top of the driveway. I go in & check on Jules until he's done, then I sign for the delivery & tell him how to "get out of here." I swear I don't live in a confusing area. From my house, I can see the main avenue he drove on & would drive on again to get out. Before he leaves, I see him spit shining his truck, putting the truck bed back together. Because plastic slides can do damage.

I look at it's glory.


I have a laugh at this time as well. Every time we talked to someone at the delivery company, they asked, "what is it anyway?" You can't guess by the GIANT SLIDE?! You really have to ask what it is? And even if you didn't know, do you really have a right to ask what I ordered? The UPS guy doesn't big packages to me & ask "so, what's in there?"

I come back in again & at this point the dogs & Jules are waiting at the door looking at me like, "we know something is up" so I let the dogs out & get Jules some shoes on. We go to explore.

Jules loves it & he didn't even know what it was.


I decided to lift the big heavy box, just because I was curious.


It was so light & easy to hold, I let my toddler dance underneath it, as my weak arm held it up.


At this point, I send Adam a text with "those lazy fucks could have brought this to us days ago but didn't want to carry it. I've pushed shopping carts heavier than all of this." And it's true. In fact, my weak ass CARRIED it all to another spot, minus the box of hardware & stuff, just because I didn't want to carry it since it weighed around 40lbs.

Anyway, we opened.


That's the box that held the kit & some other stuff that came with our set, like a infant swing & other stuff.

Then Jules wanted to see inside the big box.


Look, it's magic!


You don't even have to hook it to anything to slide!

Good, because with Adam responsible for building the play set it's suppose to attach to, it may not have anything to attach to.

Jules liked the box, like all kids.


He also started unloading & moving the stuff to a better location.


I explored what all we got. Like this.


It's a hose. A long hose. You talk in one end & it makes your voice loud & funny sounding. That's really what a toddler needs, something to amplify his screeching.

And here are the rocks.


For the climbing wall. Let's hope Adam builds that wall. Alone, these are lamer than the hose.

I then removed the slide from it's condom.


And I found a special surprise.



I like to think it made it's way into the bag from the annoying shipping company. Makes me feel like I got something from them.

My toddler works harder than the shipping company.


He even insisted on helping mommy move the maybe 10lb slide.


I then took this picture.


Look, it's Adam's casket.

Or mine, depending on how annoying he finds me as he's building this thing.

The only thing left at this point is the actual kit, so I sit down to check it all out. I see this.


Something about a Lowes tag on something you order really gets to you. This was almost as bad as last mothers day, when Adam ordered me a potted mini-rose bush that didn't get here until almost 8pm, only to still have the Lowes tag & care instructions on it.

Jules was excited.


He wanted that.

I had to explain to him that was the $600 kit, so he didn't get that one, he got the middle grade one in the smaller picture. Like he cares or understands.

I say that now & when it's built, he'll wonder where his mountain is.

This box contains...


Lots of screws. Write your own joke for that. My favorite thing listed is the additional plans for a picnic table, sandbox, & a lemonade stand. The picnic table I find neat, but a sand box? You need plans for that? It's a wooden square. The end. And a lemonade stand? Is that so you can work your kids to make back some of the cash you've put into this thing?

I also love why I should do it myself.


For happy, healthy kids. Because it's healthy to hear your father cursing as much as he will be as he's building this. And happy? Let's take a look at the happy children on the box.








So happy, the scale had to restart & she's miserable. She's that happy.

Here is the list of things you need.


No where listed in a magic wand. I think they left that out. They also didn't list divorce lawyer, which I think you may need by the time you're done with this little household project.

I finally opened the box.


I found the "safety warning" you're suppose to attach at the end.


It says it's good for ages 2-12. I think it should say "Do you see who built this? RUN, DO NOT PLAY ON THIS DEATH TRAP!" Maybe that's on the flip side.

At this point I'm sitting in my driveway, staring into this box of stuff. And I do what I should have done before I ordered this.

I laughed. Hysterically. At that moment I decided that this, my friends, is the worse idea I ever had. Ever.

Around that time Adam calls. At this point, the man who was all "go big or go home" tells me he always knew it was a dumb idea. The guy who talked me into going down this road was now telling me he didn't think we should. Never did he say anything about this before it was finally sitting in the driveway. Great.

He comes home.


...with cupcakes?

I do not know.

He then moves the stuff again.


Then declares that he built it.


Jules is content.


Of course he's 2, he's content with cheese.


Then Adam gets really involved & builds the other slide.


I tell him if he tries to attach the rocks to the hill & call it a rock climbing wall, I'll divorce him.

So now that it's finally here, we* are planning on getting it built.

*we meaning Adam is planning on building it & I'm planning on taking pictures.

He looked at the plans & says they are good & easy to understand.

Me? I looked at a graphic & said, "what does that mean?!" before I realized that I was looking at the Spanish sentence.

He can't do any worse than that, right?

...right. Sure. No problem. Building with lumber is more durable than a vacuum belt, right? Right.

We're getting the lumber this week. I go to a prenatal on Tuesday, so part of me is thinking he can run & get it then since we'll be near Lowes. After that, all bets are off about when & how this will all get built. But I do know I'm planning to invite some family over the weekend following Easter & I've dubbed it as the "Swingset Unveiling Get Together." The pressure is on. I've done my part of the getting the house spring ready...I've planted flowers & got dirt on my hands. That's enough in my book. Oh, wait, I also got an umbrella for our patio set. So I've done more than enough. I'm pregnant. And lazy. So ha.

I'm sure our neighbor will love this adventure as well. She seems like the type to get annoyed by the sounds of children laughing. Anything that isn't her yappy dogs being loud & annoying is a problem for her. So once it's built, I'm sure she'll love the noise of fun coming from our backyard. She comes outside & stares at us when we're doing yard work, so I'm sure she'll love the sound of saws & hammers much more than the noise of a water hose watering plants. That alone could be a fun story eventually.

Not as fun as the story about my other neighbors, when the teen mom threw all of her baby daddys clothes out onto their front yard, while yelling she wasn't a ho, that he was the one with crabs, but it could still be fun.

As always, I'll keep you updated. On this & all other matters, of course.


  1. looks like some father son bonding on the slide LOL

  2. I about pissed my pants laughing at the "happy" children on the box! Hilarious! Good luck to Adam!

  3. That is hilarious, I love the slide on the hill!



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