Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Glucose're doing it wrong.

Today I had a prenatal. It was at 3pm. Oh, what a prenatal it was suppose to be.

Ultrasound, glucose testing, then prenatal. They had first wanted to do it on tomorrow, the 17th, which is my wedding anniversary. Not that I have anything planned, but I don't want to spend my anniversary spending 3 hours at the doctors office.

Since my parents are still not speaking to us, I had to take Jules (let me clarify, they've never called & at this point I've given up, so I guess one could argue they'd talk if I'd call, but how many times do I have to call exactly before I give up?). Thankfully, Adam would get there soon after, but it was my worse fear on earth that they'd do the ultrasound & he wouldn't be there. Not because I'm worried about missing out on some magical moment with him, but I needed someone to hold Jules. He's 2, you know.

Let me just say...I hate glucose testing. Hate it. I don't get sick, I don't feel weird, I don't mind the drink. I'm not a fan of a blood draw, but even worse I hate the whole thing. Being pleasantly plump, everyone looks at you like you must have gestational diabetes. You can almost hear them mooing at you as your drink the 10oz orange soda.

With Jules I used the office I use now. That The woman at the reception window gave me my drink then stared at me while I sat. Like stared. She didn't take her eyes off of me. And every minute or so she'd bark at me, "Jessica, this is timed, you need to hurry!" Not in a way to let me know the 5 minutes was running out, but in a way that really said to me, "I have more important things to do than stare at you, Ms. Diabetes Waiting to Happen."

So I have issues.

I passed it, but other doctors would have made me take the 3 hour test. I scored a 138, the cut off is 140, but some doctors use 130. I believe 130 is the recommended cut off, even though it's got a super high false positive rate. And I had this fear that since I figure they just assume my plump butt will get it, the doctor will look at me & tell me "just in case" if I score close to 140. He did tell me how his wife scored 140 & she had to do the 3 hours, to which I cringed & told him I'd be a bad patient & would likely pass on the 3 hour if I scored exactly 140. He responded with telling me, "Well, I'll tell you it's like 142 then."

Some people may fear that response, their doctor saying they'd lie to their patient, but I'm a pain in this mans ass & he knows I'll make him show me anything & everything. He knows better.

But anyway, I was not looking forward to this just because I don't. There are do's & don'ts when it comes to what you can eat & drink before this test & honestly, I'm paranoid so I always take the option to fast the day of the test, only enjoyed yummy, flavorless water. All day. Until 3pm. Not that I eat big meals in the morning or anything, I'm more of a snacker through the day, but when you can't eat toast & jelly 4 hours before an appointment, you know what you want?

You want some fucking toast & strawberry jelly. And a coke. That's just how it works out.

I fight my jelly fit all day & manage to get myself & Jules dressed. Thank you, Caillou, for entertaining my son so I can get dressed. And sorry to any neighbors I may have flashed while getting dressed in the living front of a large picture window...with only some of the curtains closed. Feel free to leave me tips in my mail box though. We (well, I) let the dogs in. They see we are dressed, so of course they want back outside. I then spend 5 minutes chasing one of our dogs & dragging him into the house. I buckle in the short person, open the gate, & make my way to Chick-Fil-A.

Yes, you read that right.

I decided since Jules hadn't ate much, I'd get him some waffle fries & a fruit cup. I then decided I'd get large sizes & eat the left overs myself after my blood draw. Oh, & a coke. Can't forget my coke.

We go to the doctors office & make our way inside. My son is Mr. Attention...until strangers look at him. Then he goes into his little shell & doesn't want to talk. Or walk. So I walk while trying to pull him along, while he's attached to my leg & has his face buried in my upper leg. Or my lower butt. Whatever you want to call it. I go to the lab/ultrasound window & tell them I'm there for my lab & an ultrasound. She tells me someone will take care of me & to wait until they call me.

OK. Fine. I wait. I give Jules food. And I wait. Around 3:20 Adam gets there. I tell him I understand waiting to see someone, but I don't understand waiting for a drink. I hear my name called, look up, & see the ultrasound tech. Alright. No drink right now for me. Great.

I get my ultrasound. Things are good. Until she uses the 3D feature, of course. Because then Jules goes from seeing a lizard to seeing a BABY. Staring at him. After that experience, he's ready to go. He tries to leave, only to turn around & come back for me & make me leave, too. He was afraid they were trying to stick a human being in me.

She tells me I have to go to the other window for my doctor. Alright, I go. Oh, & they must have told her how scared I was that time she didn't let me carry my paperwork, because this time she handed it all to me & told me to take it with me. I read it as I walked to the next window. I wait several minutes because she's on the phone talking to someone about their IUD removal to tell her I was suppose to have my glucose test, but no one has given me anything yet. She tells me she has to check on it, because she has no idea if she's suppose to give it to me or the lab is suppose to.

This is great, it really is.

After even more waiting, discussion of our babys nose & it's potential size, & more waiting, I hear my name again. I see a nurse I've never seen before, but she doesn't have my drink, she has my chart. My nurse was sick come to find out. I don't like many people, but I always liked my nurse from day one. So I wasn't a fan of her not being there & this new woman being the nurse for the day. And she, my friends, was a pleasure.

We annoyed her right away because I got right up & walked back. Adam was collecting Jules, which was taking too long because she blurted out, "are they coming back or what?" in an annoyed tone. She was "asking" me, but how loud she said it I'm sure it was her nice way of telling Adam & the 2 year old to hurry the fuck up, she's got no time waiting for short legs to walk at their pace.

I planned on telling this lovely lady as well, but she was in no mood to hear anything I said. She went through the list of pregnancy problems fast & blunt. She asked if I had headaches, I said yes because I do, but I tried to mention that I always have headaches even when I'm not pregnant. It went like this:

Nurse: Headaches?
Me: Yes, but I...

I didn't type in all caps because I like to (even though I do sometimes), I typed in caps to show that she had a change in tone & voice level in what could only be an effort to get me to shut up telling her about my headaches. She gives me a solo cup to pee in & insist I bring it out to her, which was weird for me because I always just left it in the bathroom & the nice nurse I always see just goes in there & test it. Something weird about walking around with a cup of urine. If you trust me to walk around the office with a solo cup of urine, which I'm just scared I'll spill on someone walking around a corner, just give me the magical testing strip & I'll do it myself. I can read colors, you know. She comes in the exam room eventually & does my blood pressure, which was 122/80. I was going to ask if she was using the fat arm cuff, since some people never want to use it for me even though I have fat arms & the regular cuff gives slightly higher than normal readings, but I figured she didn't care to hear my stupid suggestion. I figured if my doctor started screaming about pre-eclampsa I'd just ask for another nurse with a fat arm cuff.

We wait. I eventually check the time. It's around 3:45. The lab closes at 4:30. I look at Adam & say, "I'm not getting that test, am I?" After a little back & forth, we decided I wasn't, so I popped some waffle fries & fruit in my mouth & washed the tasty treats does with my coke.

I figured when the doctor walked in & asked how I was, I'd tell him "not taking a glucose test." I wanted to see the fear flash across his face, thinking I'm refusing it, only to correct him by explaining how I'd been asking for my drink but no one knew who was suppose to give it to me. He tricked me though. He walked in & didn't ask that. After about 2 minutes he asked if anyone ever got me my drink. I hold up my fruit & my coke & tell him, "Nope, & I figured it was getting late & I was getting hungry." He then tells me we'll do it next time, that it was kinda early on to do it anyway.

I wanted to say, "well, no shit, but I thought you wanted to get this all done & over with today, that's why I stressed for a month & starved for jelly today" but I didn't.

He ask how the fetal echo went. I tell him fine as far as we were told, he's still waiting on the report. He tells me the ultrasound from today looks good & they were able to see everything they'd missed previously. We talk about Toy Story. We talk about how in 2 weeks I'll come back for a check up & the glucose test. I wanted to say, "suuuure." So on March 30th, I'll crave jelly. It's a guarantee now. I forget if he said we'd do paperwork then or not. If not, it'll happen in 4 weeks (so mid-April) when I do another prenatal & an ultrasound. I guess they've either had lawsuits or are worried about lawsuits, because now they do all their labor & delivery consent forms in office early in the 3rd trimester. According to him, it's a better chance to go over the risk of say forceps delivery instead of waiting until someone is in labor & the baby's heart rate is in the 50's. Most people would find that horrifying to think of. Me? I thought, "Wow, a heartbeat? During labor? I forgot about that." He said he'd start seeing me weekly by 32 weeks so we don't go through....then he spend about 30 seconds trying to find the right words to replace the phrase I would have used, "dead baby adventures" so not to upset me. It's nice he's sensitive to it I suppose. I'm totally desensitized to it. Almost to a blunt, insensitive point. Sorry if that offends anyone.

Anyway, it's still a baby. Not a lizard. Yay.

I will now let you peek into my uterus. You're welcome.



Always a good thing.

As usual, he stared.


Now he just needs to learn to point & whisper about people.

We finally got a good profile shot.


He's got feet.


The toes are to the left, if you care to try to figure that out.

She asked if we knew the sex (well, she said gender, which is a huge pet peeve of mine). I told her boy.


She assured us he's still a boy & called this his boy part. PENIS. It's a PENIS.


This is the moment Jules knew his life was over.


The black & white stuff turned into a face. A face of a baby.


He seriously buried his face in Adam's leg after these pictures were on the great big TV.

See any baby look alike parts?


Blair on the left, Jules on the right. Joel never had any 3D pictures, so can't compare him. I don't think this one looks much like Jules at all. Joel didn't look much anything like Jules either. All of my sons are going to look freakishly different at this rate. Guess we'll find out in June though. Hope for hair. I like my children to have hair. I'm shallow like that

And Jules goes to the dentist a couple days after my next prenatal. I'm looking forward to that. And that, my friends, is sarcasm. I'll take my camera to capture how well that experience that works out. I took the kid to see Elmo & he made me want to give him to the gypsies, the dentist can't be much better.

Oh, & to the commenter on the above post named Elmo balloon is still staring at me, mocking me from above. I guess I got my $8 worth...if you count being stared at by some creepy read monster head floating on the ceiling, getting caught in the fan from time to time, making my dog bark.

And it's now March 17th. Happy my wedding anniversary, everyone. Or St. Patrick's Day, whatever you want to call it. I like to call it the day I ruined my inlaws life officially. That's always cause to celebrate with inlaws like mine. You can celebrate that with me if you're a long time reader. Or a short time reader. I'm not picky.


  1. Happy Anniversary! Enjoy your toast and jelly;-).

  2. I just saw that your fetus widget says you have 99 days left!! Yay!! Okay, I must say that my doctor gave me the syrup crap at my previous appt. to take home so that I have it to drink on the way to my next appt/test. Why don't all doctor's do that? At least you got some waffle fries.

  3. Because my doctors office thinks everyone is an idiot & won't drink it correctly. Plus, I guess they want to stare at us. Your way makes much more sense if you ask me.

  4. Happy ruining the inlaws life day to you!

  5. Argh Jess!! Why are some people so incompetent? I am sorry you have to starve yourself of Jelly again. Glad all went well with Blair's echo.



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