Monday, March 29, 2010

The great swing set adventure.

This entire story has the potential to be as great as the story of my couch.

Oh yeah, speaking of that husband AGAIN broke my Dyson.

What the fuck?

Anyway, back to the swing set.

I'm antisocial. I don't like people. Mainly because minus you weirdos who seem to love my humor & my honesty, along with my sometimes foul language, most people think I'm a meanie. I really do write like I live, make the same smart comments, & just overall disturb people sometimes. Because of this, I like to keep my interaction with folks limited. I take my kid to the park, but it's hard not to punch people. You know the people...the ones who let their 8 year olds bully your 2 year old, the ones who smoke like freight trains a foot away from the playground equipment, the ones who let their kids throw rocks all over the place so your kid will eventually get hit & cry. Or like I experienced last time we went to the park, the ones who let their kids being their various toy weapons, from guns to bows, & allow them to climb to the top of the playground equipment & pretend to shoot all the other children.

Maybe I'm not antisocial as much as I'm paranoid of being the first victim of some kid who will eventually be on some MSNBC show called "Children Who Kill."

Anyway, we have a yard. An ugly yard, but a yard. In the city, it's rare you have a yard. Our son loves being outside. Me? I hate the outdoors. I'm afraid of birds pooping on me, snakes eating me, bugs biting me, & the sun. How much do I hate the sun? Last fall I was outside for an extended amount of time doing yard work & within a few hours I had "bug bites." But I was wearing bug spray & didn't get bit. By the next day, bumps were popping up places that were covered & I was scratching so bad I thought I was going to remove my skin. A trip to urgent care & guess what? I got diagnosed with a fancy term that basically meant I had an allergic reaction to the sun & my itchy bumps were hives. And it wasn't even sunny out! It took like two weeks for the hives to go away & I took steroids for 2 weeks as well.

But for the sake of my son, I try to suck it up & go outside. I mean, I like to plant flowers. Well, I don't like it. I hate dirt, but I like to have a decent looking house that makes people think I love my life & house. I don't want to be the ugly house on the street. But anyway, outside. We have your basic stuff outside...water table, sand box, balls, the basics. But I wanted a swing set. I knew he'd love it. And I knew I'd love knowing he could play on something without making me run all across the yard kicking his ball to him as he stood in one place yelling, "get it mommy, me here" meaning "Bitch, you chase that ball & I'm not moving off this mound of dirt, you need to move faster."

Growing up, I had a swing set. One of those awesome metal ones. I think many of us can remember those. You couldn't use them during the sunny part of the day unless you wanted to get first degree burns on the back of your legs. Now the hip trend in parenting is wooden swing sets. Oh, sorry, play sets. They aren't just swing sets anymore folks, they are play sets. Get with the times. If you love your child, you'll spend way too much money on a play set.

And that is what we planned to do. Because I love my kid. And because I don't want to always have to take him to the park to let him be a pretend victim of some kids while I wheeze because their rude ass parents blow smoke around me.

I'd been looking since last year. Seriously. I wanted the best bang for my buck. Over the past couple months, I found that we could actually get a better set for my price range if we got a kit with accessories. That is, everything you need but the wood. We could spend $600 & get something awesome, or we could buy a kit with the wood included & get something not that awesome. Really, if I wanted something awesome with the wood included it'd be around $1000. Sure, something small would work now, but I wanted something that could work with the kids for the next couple years, then we could add on a bit more as they grew.

I talked it over with Adam, since he'd the one who'd have to build it. He was totally into the idea of buying the kit then buying the lumber separate. I asked then, "well, do you want to get something small this year, since you've never built anything before?" His response? "Go big or go home."

Oh yeah, I want to repeat something. He's never built anything before. Never.

Proving that I'm dumb, I order a set online. Two levels, two slides, a climbing wall, neato stuff. It's called "The Eurocastle."

Sounds like a gay porno to be, but whatever.

I figure the worse part will be Adam building it. People have known about this decision for weeks on my facebook, & people have already started laughing at him. My job was easy. I order it. I accept delivery. I take pictures & blog about it. We all laugh at Adam.

Fate likes to laugh at me though, so it decided to make my part hell.

Order our Eurocastle & pay to have it sent to us. Another reason ordering online was needed was because we drive a Volkswagon & a Kia. Neither of these brands scream "great use for hauling shit." So having it dropped off at our house was a must.

After a few days, my tracking info lets me know it's made it to our local terminal, about an hour away. I get a call at 6:30 in the morning & a message saying they want to set up time to drop it off that day. Well, the other problem is that I used Adam's debit card to order it online, so it's in his name. They want to deal with him, not me. OK, whatever. I let him know & tell him to call me back when he knows something.

Adam calls me back & tells me we have a problem. The local terminal only has very large tractor trailers. Since we live in the city, they asked him if they'd be able to get a large truck up our street. He tells them yes, but told them he wasn't sure how easy it'd be for them to get out since it'd require turning sharply. He would later admit he shouldn't have said anything. So they tell him they aren't sure they will bring it to us, that we may have to come pick it up ourselves or meet them somewhere & get it home ourselves. Adam, being not a bitch, doesn't put them in their place like I would. I get fired up of course, & tell him we are not going to worry about renting a truck & bringing it home ourselves. No way, no how. I call the company we ordered from & tell them what they are reporting to us. They call the trucking company. When the company calls me back, she tells me they were never worried about coming up our street, but my husband was the one concerned & warning them about it. So they put it off on him. She tells me they are going to check to see if they can come up our street that day. If they are unable to, they will park down the block & they will physically carry it to our house.

So yeah, not our problem.

The shipping company, called Testes (if you click the link, you'll see I only added one letter to alter their name), had some guy who was named Darryl dealing with us. I call him Darryl because that's his name & he deserves the public shame. Somehow in all of this, I decided he was the biggest idiot involved. He was the one who was suppose to decide if they'd be able to bring the truck down our street.

Adam was suppose to get a call from Darryl around 4pm. He doesn't. He calls Testes & speaks to someone who knows nothing about the situation & Darryl had gone home without telling anyone anything. Has Adam call back in 15 minutes so he can call the guy at home to find out something. Adam calls back & is told no decisions have been made & Darryl was going to call the company we ordered from the next morning. This doesn't fly for me, because I know that means they are going to try to weasel out of shipping it to our house. Adam tells this guy we already spoke to the company & were told that they were either going to be able to drive it to our house, or we were told they'd have to park as close as they could & then physically carry it to our house. The shipping company gets their panties in a bunch & tells Adam they will not happen. I have Adam ask what the options are for them then. He tells Adam, again, we can pick it up at the terminal an hour away, meet them somewhere between the locations & pick it up from their truck & get it home ourselves, or they get a pick up truck & bring it to us.

Yes, that's right, they try to find a pick up truck. This guy tells Adam he'll go check it out & see if it'll fit in a pick up truck & he'll call him back. Time goes by, he never calls back. Adam calls him & he tells Adam he's not done it yet. After a few minutes, the terminal manager, Don, calls Adam & tells him he's sorry for all the run around & no matter what, we would get it the next day. He'd have someone call by 9am to tell us what time they'd bring it to our house.

Yay, something has been done.

Well, 9am the next day comes & goes. By 11, Adam calls them. No one knows anything about this. Don told no one.

Yes, seriously.

So Adam deals with Darryl. Again. Everything has to be explained. Again. Options gone over. Again. Adam reminds him that it's their job to get it to our driveway & that we are not renting anything to haul it, if it wanted to do that we would have rented something & bought it locally. Darryl starts talking about how he will try to talk to someone & get him to bring it to us in his pick up, but complained that he'd have to pay the guy mileage. He's suppose to call Adam back & let him know if they can do it that day.

I get annoyed again because it's been sitting there for 2 or 3 days & I'm still being told they aren't sure how they are going to get it to us or when. This shouldn't be taking all of these days when it's just sitting in a corner. Call the company we ordered from because I'm thinking maybe they can light a fire under their asses. They call me back & tell me that the shipping company says they are for sure bringing it today, that they are calling someone in on their day off to drive it up to us. All because they don't want to park 1/2 block down the street & carry it. Two plastic slides & a box.

The day continues. No one ever calls to tell us when it's suppose to be here. Finally, I call the shipping company to make sure it's actually coming, since what they tend to tell us & tell the company we ordered from two different things. I speak to Darryl, who tells me he already spoke to my husband about when it'll be there. I call bullshit, because Adam's text message asking if I'd heard anything is what prompted me to call. He changes his story then & tells me it'll be there any minute. I send Adam a text letting him know & he tells me how they did call...right after I called them. Oh, & let's not forget Darryl acting like he deserved a medal because he wasn't going to charge us (?!) for having to use a personal truck to bring it to us, they were going to "take the charges on" themselves. Because they wouldn't drive their business truck 6 houses down & carry crap up to me. Oh, & they wouldn't hand it over to another delivery company. That was an option for them as well, which they refused to do.

I watched for them. I opened the gate for my driveway. I told Jules he needed to watch Buddy Dog & Murphy, along with Blues Clues, while mommy "checked things." If he or the dogs knew someone was here, they'll all want to go outside. I didn't want to deal with a shy child, a dumb dog, & another dog who acts like he wants to eat the delivery driver who finally bothers to come to my house. I see a truck pull up.


If that isn't it, I'm concerned.

I'm not sure why he parked on the wrong side of the street & didn't just pull up my driveway, but whatever.

He sees me & ask the stupidest question I've ever heard.

"Are you ready for it?"

I wanted to tell him "Nah, bring it back next week" but I decided these people are dumb, so I better not confuse them. I tell him yes. He gets a big plastic slide out & I point him to the top of the driveway. I go in & check on Jules until he's done, then I sign for the delivery & tell him how to "get out of here." I swear I don't live in a confusing area. From my house, I can see the main avenue he drove on & would drive on again to get out. Before he leaves, I see him spit shining his truck, putting the truck bed back together. Because plastic slides can do damage.

I look at it's glory.


I have a laugh at this time as well. Every time we talked to someone at the delivery company, they asked, "what is it anyway?" You can't guess by the GIANT SLIDE?! You really have to ask what it is? And even if you didn't know, do you really have a right to ask what I ordered? The UPS guy doesn't big packages to me & ask "so, what's in there?"

I come back in again & at this point the dogs & Jules are waiting at the door looking at me like, "we know something is up" so I let the dogs out & get Jules some shoes on. We go to explore.

Jules loves it & he didn't even know what it was.


I decided to lift the big heavy box, just because I was curious.


It was so light & easy to hold, I let my toddler dance underneath it, as my weak arm held it up.


At this point, I send Adam a text with "those lazy fucks could have brought this to us days ago but didn't want to carry it. I've pushed shopping carts heavier than all of this." And it's true. In fact, my weak ass CARRIED it all to another spot, minus the box of hardware & stuff, just because I didn't want to carry it since it weighed around 40lbs.

Anyway, we opened.


That's the box that held the kit & some other stuff that came with our set, like a infant swing & other stuff.

Then Jules wanted to see inside the big box.


Look, it's magic!


You don't even have to hook it to anything to slide!

Good, because with Adam responsible for building the play set it's suppose to attach to, it may not have anything to attach to.

Jules liked the box, like all kids.


He also started unloading & moving the stuff to a better location.


I explored what all we got. Like this.


It's a hose. A long hose. You talk in one end & it makes your voice loud & funny sounding. That's really what a toddler needs, something to amplify his screeching.

And here are the rocks.


For the climbing wall. Let's hope Adam builds that wall. Alone, these are lamer than the hose.

I then removed the slide from it's condom.


And I found a special surprise.



I like to think it made it's way into the bag from the annoying shipping company. Makes me feel like I got something from them.

My toddler works harder than the shipping company.


He even insisted on helping mommy move the maybe 10lb slide.


I then took this picture.


Look, it's Adam's casket.

Or mine, depending on how annoying he finds me as he's building this thing.

The only thing left at this point is the actual kit, so I sit down to check it all out. I see this.


Something about a Lowes tag on something you order really gets to you. This was almost as bad as last mothers day, when Adam ordered me a potted mini-rose bush that didn't get here until almost 8pm, only to still have the Lowes tag & care instructions on it.

Jules was excited.


He wanted that.

I had to explain to him that was the $600 kit, so he didn't get that one, he got the middle grade one in the smaller picture. Like he cares or understands.

I say that now & when it's built, he'll wonder where his mountain is.

This box contains...


Lots of screws. Write your own joke for that. My favorite thing listed is the additional plans for a picnic table, sandbox, & a lemonade stand. The picnic table I find neat, but a sand box? You need plans for that? It's a wooden square. The end. And a lemonade stand? Is that so you can work your kids to make back some of the cash you've put into this thing?

I also love why I should do it myself.


For happy, healthy kids. Because it's healthy to hear your father cursing as much as he will be as he's building this. And happy? Let's take a look at the happy children on the box.








So happy, the scale had to restart & she's miserable. She's that happy.

Here is the list of things you need.


No where listed in a magic wand. I think they left that out. They also didn't list divorce lawyer, which I think you may need by the time you're done with this little household project.

I finally opened the box.


I found the "safety warning" you're suppose to attach at the end.


It says it's good for ages 2-12. I think it should say "Do you see who built this? RUN, DO NOT PLAY ON THIS DEATH TRAP!" Maybe that's on the flip side.

At this point I'm sitting in my driveway, staring into this box of stuff. And I do what I should have done before I ordered this.

I laughed. Hysterically. At that moment I decided that this, my friends, is the worse idea I ever had. Ever.

Around that time Adam calls. At this point, the man who was all "go big or go home" tells me he always knew it was a dumb idea. The guy who talked me into going down this road was now telling me he didn't think we should. Never did he say anything about this before it was finally sitting in the driveway. Great.

He comes home.


...with cupcakes?

I do not know.

He then moves the stuff again.


Then declares that he built it.


Jules is content.


Of course he's 2, he's content with cheese.


Then Adam gets really involved & builds the other slide.


I tell him if he tries to attach the rocks to the hill & call it a rock climbing wall, I'll divorce him.

So now that it's finally here, we* are planning on getting it built.

*we meaning Adam is planning on building it & I'm planning on taking pictures.

He looked at the plans & says they are good & easy to understand.

Me? I looked at a graphic & said, "what does that mean?!" before I realized that I was looking at the Spanish sentence.

He can't do any worse than that, right?

...right. Sure. No problem. Building with lumber is more durable than a vacuum belt, right? Right.

We're getting the lumber this week. I go to a prenatal on Tuesday, so part of me is thinking he can run & get it then since we'll be near Lowes. After that, all bets are off about when & how this will all get built. But I do know I'm planning to invite some family over the weekend following Easter & I've dubbed it as the "Swingset Unveiling Get Together." The pressure is on. I've done my part of the getting the house spring ready...I've planted flowers & got dirt on my hands. That's enough in my book. Oh, wait, I also got an umbrella for our patio set. So I've done more than enough. I'm pregnant. And lazy. So ha.

I'm sure our neighbor will love this adventure as well. She seems like the type to get annoyed by the sounds of children laughing. Anything that isn't her yappy dogs being loud & annoying is a problem for her. So once it's built, I'm sure she'll love the noise of fun coming from our backyard. She comes outside & stares at us when we're doing yard work, so I'm sure she'll love the sound of saws & hammers much more than the noise of a water hose watering plants. That alone could be a fun story eventually.

Not as fun as the story about my other neighbors, when the teen mom threw all of her baby daddys clothes out onto their front yard, while yelling she wasn't a ho, that he was the one with crabs, but it could still be fun.

As always, I'll keep you updated. On this & all other matters, of course.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Six Degrees of Dead Babies

Ever hear of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?

If not, what rock do you live under? And can I live with you?

For those two of you who have never heard of it & didn't bother to click the link above, it's a game you can play to link actors back to Kevin Bacon, in 6 degrees or less.

Tonight I realized that I personally play a game I'm calling Six Degrees of Dead Baby. But really, it's usually like 3 or 4 degrees, because I'm that good at it.

I was going through my normally boring task of organizing my closet. Basically, every 10-12 months I do this. It's really not as much organizing as it is cleaning up the mess that's been ignored all this time until I can't find my pants anymore. To leave the house, you should wear pants. So when I can't find those, I realize it's time to clean up the closet.

I realized this was the first time I'd done it since Adam & I combined closets last April/May so Joel could have his own room. I went through the mundane task of going through clothes, sorting summer & winter clothes. About half way through I was ready to jump out of the bedroom window. However, it's very small & I would likely not fit. So instead, I ignored it all & went on with my task.

How is it every piece of clothing I own reminds me of the fact that I'm a dead baby mom?

I found clothes I bought when I was looking for something to wear to Joel's service. I bought like 5 outfits, not knowing what I'd feel up to that day when it actually came.

I found the shirt I wore to make his service arrangements.

I hate that shirt.

The top my mom bought me after Joel died, as her effort to take me shopping to make me feel better about the dead baby issues we'd just gone through.

I came across the shirt I wore to my uncle's wake back in December 2006. This couldn't have dead baby memories on it, it was impossible.

Then I sat there thinking what I wore with that shirt. I realized I wore these wool pants & that I'd sold them on ebay to clear out my closet when I guessed it...pregnant with Joel.

I found a shirt I've never worn that I bought to replace a shirt that got ruined in our old washing machine to go with this great skirt I have. Last time I actually wore it was when Adam & I got engaged.

Then we had a dead baby a couple years later.

How do I mange to relate simple things back to that? I can relate Uncrustables back to my dead on. Adam was teaching summer school, where he ate Uncrustables for lunch, when I got pregnant with Joel.

Uncrustables?! I can related some over priced pre-made mini-sandwich to my dead son? Really?

Of course, tonight I realized that everything surrounding him dying just makes these things worse. Because not only do I think about him dying, I think about everything around it. Bad doctors, bad family, bad everything.

I should have created a drinking game instead. At least then, the booze would take my mind off all things.

I don't expect to "get over" this, nor do I want to. But I would like to at least be able to get over relating everything back to my old life & the changes since.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Why I should change my phone number...updated with more reasons.

Know that annoying phrase "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive" or something like that?

Well, I'm adding to that.

"You're going to get fucked up in that web mess. RUN!"

But you see, it's not the person making the web of lies that has to worry. That's just an empty threat you tell your kids so they won't lie about brushing their teeth. It's those around them, the subject of the lies. The person whose done nothing, but somehow ends up looking like a huge bitch in a situation. They are going to get fucked. How do I know?

I totally got fucked today.

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since that faithful Friday night when my family exploded. I did speak to my mother that one day for about 4 minutes. We know how that went.

I tried calling yesterday. Left two messages. In my 2nd, I joked that pretty soon I was going to take the hint & go out to Cracker Barrel to find Jules grandparents. I hadn't planned what I was going to say in that message, maybe I should have. I was joking of course. But after I hung up I realized I'd eventually get a response to that little message.

First thing this morning, my dad called. I called him right back. I never should have. He jumped into the message, & started in on how they "aren't mad, just have hurt feelings." I remember looking at myself in the mirror at that point & just giving myself a "this isn't happening, is it?" look since no one else was around to share that look with.

Within the first few minutes of the conversation, he started in on how Adam & my mom have a problem with each other. Or that Adam has a problem with my mom. I forget how it was stated. He rambled about how he was "standoffish" with my mom & how "other people have commented on it, too." At this point I just laugh while I break out into tears, he tells me he's not trying to upset me. I explain I'm not upset, I'm just freaking out because he sounds like Adam's mother in all those exchanges he had with her. Talking about how he doesn't have to like them but he should act civil, blah blah blah. His mom said the same things. And to make it even funnier to me, my mom's huge issue when I talked to her about the going on's with Adam's family was how "if they have any issues with you, they shouldn't put Adam in a position where they complain to him about you or anything you do, it doesn't matter & they need to suck it up & go on with life instead of complaining about his spouse." was this different exactly? I'm not sure. Oh, wait, I know. It's not.

At this point I hear my mother in the background feeding stuff to my dad. I get tired of it & tell him, "if she's got something to say, she needs to get on the phone, otherwise she needs to shut up & leave the room." He shut her up then, but this would happen from time to time through the entire hour long phone call.

He goes back into wedding bullshit. He tells me about how "Adam shouldn't have said those things to your mom the night before the wedding." I asked what things & he wouldn't tell me. But I told him what was said. See, my parents, mainly my mom, cornered me alone in the house at like 1am the night before our wedding, complaining about how people at our wedding would think that I "didn't like my family," talking about how Adam's family was going to get to talk & have their dances announced, etc. I'd tried to tell my parents nothing like that was happening, but they didn't believe me. For some reason, they were convinced we were getting a red carpet out for his family, announcing everyone, & just all of this insanity. None of which was ever said or true. My mom came about 10 minutes later, with me still crying about what has just went down, & Adam started out speaking to my mom by saying he was sorry if they'd misunderstood, but they weren't going to announce his family dances & things like that. My mother flipped out on him, started yelling & threatening to go get my dad out of bed. But she's told my dad the "awful" things he said to her when he said nothing bad at all. No yelling, no names, no cursing...nothing. So whatever she's told him is a total & complete lie. My dad also tells me how my mom had told him even on the day of the wedding that we "weren't going to allow" him to speak at the wedding. Even though the DJ knew he & Adam's dad were going to speak & my own mother discussed it with me several times, she was still telling my dad to his face that we weren't going to allow him to. She even came to me & we discussed who was going to first, him or Adam's dad, at the wedding. But my dad tells me he didn't know we were going to "allow" him to until the DJ came up & told him. So basically, while my mom is talking to me about the plans for him to give a toast, she's going to him & saying, "they still aren't going to let you."

So basically, these lies are nothing new. And I'm not sure why I'm discussing the things that happened at my wedding 3 years later. I now hate my own wedding. My husband's family didn't like it for a list of reasons, my family didn't like it for a list of reasons...why didn't we just go to Vegas?

I ask him to get back to 2010 if he didn't mind, because that's way more relevant than our wedding.

He then told me that Friday night, I was basically a meanie the entire time. He told me how I "made fun" of them. I asked what he was talking about. In discussion about Mac's (yes, computers), my uncle was highly recommending them to us. My dad mentioned something about looking for a new computer & I started talking about how difficult I thought Mac's were, how he'd never figure them & about how I can't figure them out to save my life, then went into joking about how I was happy I dropped out of the college I first went to because they only used Macs & I was too stupid to use them. If anything, I looked stupid. He told me my uncle "looked at me like I was stupid the rest of the night."

...really? Really? This is why he is mad at me & not talking to me? Because he's paranoid someone looked at him like he was stupid?

More talking goes on. Eventually, he tells me how embarrassing it is to him when his family finds out they aren't allowed to see Jules anymore. I interrupted him & asked what he meant, I never said they couldn't. He tells me my mother told him I said "you can't see Jules for a few weeks."

I wanted to get in my car & go to her house to punch her at this point. And honestly, in the hours since this phone call, I've had to remind myself I'm pregnant several times because I seriously want to go beat up my own mother.

I set him straight. I never said that they couldn't see Jules. I said Jules couldn't stay the night for a while. I told her in that some phone call to call me back that night, so he could still come over & visit the next day, plus he'd still be coming back that Thursday because of my ultrasound appointment. She knew he could still come over. She never called me back & my phone calls went ignored. She knew that wasn't the deal, even though she told my dad that.

He kept going on & on about hurt feelings, so finally I lost it. I ask him if he wants to talk hurt feelings, lets talk mine, let's talk about how they knew I had an important appointment with a specialist that week & they ignored my calls asking if they were going to watch Jules, they ignored my calls about my ultrasound. He tells me how they didn't know about it. I call bullshit & tell him they did, then he corrects himself & says they didn't know when it was. I, again, call bullshit. I told him maybe he didn't, but my mother did. My mother, my aunt, & myself discussed it at the table that epic night after that dinner from hell. He tells me I should have called & left a message. I tell him I did, I tell him how I left a detailed message a few days before talking about the ultrasound & how I needed to know if they were going to keep Jules or not, because Adam would have to take off work, blah blah blah. He was silent. I asked if he heard that message. Nope, he hadn't. Turns out, he hadn't heard any of the messages when I've called & talked about Jules or him coming over.

Oh yeah, my mother checks all their messages.

I quickly begin to piece all of this together. My mother lied about what I told her on the phone. She's been deleting the messages I'd left, minus the ones that I didn't mention Jules or anything important. This entire time, she's been giving him half truth & blatant lies to make me look like the bad guy so she can cry & play the victim.

He also tells me how we never discussed the problems with giving Jules bottles with them. I reminded him that Adam, him, & I were in the kitchen like 3 months ago discussing how we didn't want to keep giving him bottles, that we'd stopped already & he argued that it wasn't that long ago. I told him I didn't care to fight about when we talked to him about it, but that I'd talked to my mother about it for such a long time I can't even pin point when I started it with her & that I'm sure she wasn't telling him any of that either. While it may not have been talked about with him alot, it was with her. But considering she's deleting my messages about important appointments & not telling him about them, why would I expect her to tell the truth about that?

I also said "actually, with how she was with me as a kid, she's fucking lucky I let her keep my kid at all" & went all to remind him of some "loving" memories I have of my mother that he knows about, from screaming at me, keeping me up all night freaking out on me, & breaking a hair brush over my head. I also asked if he was aware of some of the things she has said to me over the past several months. I told him how I've invited them over dozens of times, & she tells me no that she doesn't want to come to my house or my "bad neighborhood," that if we want to visit it has to be at their house. I asked if he ever knew I'd invited them over, he admitted he didn't. I asked if he knew last Easter I wanted to have a get together over here, & she laughed at my suggestion & lectured me on how they go to a nice place & eat dinner & didn't have time to be over here on Easter. He didn't say anything, but he acted like he didn't know about that either. And I finally threw out that while he's busy watching Adam for signs of coldness towards my mother, she'd behind his back making faces & rolling her eyes at me. And how the only reason I've ever put up with any of it is because of my kids & him. But obviously it wasn't worth it since she's going to manipulate even situations involving them so he'll think she is the victim no matter what.

He kept pulling that ol' line of "let's just drop it & start over" with the added lecture of "sometimes people get their feelings hurt, but you just have to get over it & move on."

I asked why didn't he take he own damn advice for the past 2 1/2 weeks. He couldn't answer that. Oh, he also told me that I could have gotten in my car at any point & drove over to see them face to face in these past 2 1/2 weeks since they weren't answering my calls. Why is that MY job exactly? I was calling. They were ignoring. I should knock on their door so they might answer & look at me like they don't want to see me? Sorry, not my idea of fun. Plus, I've been sick, I've had appointments, & we've had things to deal with. But they wouldn't know that because they've not spoken to me.

I finally ask if my mother has anything to say. He beats around the bush & never answers. I, again, ask if my mother has anything to say about this or if she was just having him represent her. Again, he rambles. I finally say "I'll take that as a no, she's not going to talk to me." He kinda laughed & admitted she didn't want to talk about it. I tell him she's got no choice. She can't pull these things out of her ass & then I find out she's blatantly lying to him about my phone calls & everything I say, then expect me to never talk about it with her. He tells me he understand & will let her know, then goes into how I can call anytime, which I correct. I tell him I've called for almost 3 weeks & been ignored the whole time, I'm tired of listening to their machine. The next call will be from their end & when I answer it, it better be my mother because nothing is happening until I get answers from her.

End of discussion.

So I've spent the rest of the day going from angry to crying, all between trying to take care of Jules & his craziness. I talked to my cousins wife, who is a shrink, & even she can't give me any suggestions or words of wisdom.

I seriously want to yell & scream at my mother, ask her what I did to deserve her, why she was just lying about everything & manipulating the entire situation, ask what kind of sick enjoyment she gets out of this. But then I realize she'll avoid & just try to lie her way out of it, which will take me back to wanting to punch her. That woman isn't going to say a single thing that will be truthful. I'd even take "I was pissed off at you, so I lied to get your dad mad at you" & be happy. But she won't. She'll tell me she "misunderstood" & she "didn't get the other messages" when I talked about Jules or my appointments. I can hear it now because I've heard it before. Not to this degree of knowing she's playing me & lying to my face, but I've heard it before when I figured that's what was going on. And honestly, I've got nothing to say at this point. There is nothing to say.

How exactly does one discuss something openly & honestly with a person who is a liar & a manipulator? Has does one even begin to rationalize with someone who isn't rational? And considering my father put up with this for years himself with her, why does he seem so dedicated to believing her side of it than mine? Ten years ago my parents separated. When he took her back, I looked at him in our living room & told him it'd be the worse mistake of his life. He's since agreed with me...a few times. I said it for his sake, for watching what she did to him for many years. Guess I should have been a little more convincing of it & I wouldn't be dealing with any of this now.

I was watching a Lifetime movie the other day & a teen mom said something like she'd heard that souls pick who they want as parents & she was asking another person if they thought that was true.

Let me answer that for you now.

No. We do not fucking pick our parents. If I did, something is wrong with me.

I'm so happy to hear these things & deal with this insanity, because I have nothing else going on in my life right now. Nope, not at all. I have no stress or worries. I have nothing going on at all. Give me your lies, guilt, & insanity. It'll give me something to do.

Update, because everyone loves an update.

My mother called me tonight. She told me she was calling to set up a time to pick up Jules. I told her that I'd like to talk about some things, she asked what I was talking about. I asked her, "when I talked to dad earlier, he told me that you told him that I wasn't going to let you guys see Jules for a few weeks...I didn't tell you that, I know you know I didn't say that, so why did you tell dad that?"

Mind you, I was totally calm & didn't even sound like I'd been a mess all day. She started with, "Well, I misunderstood..." & I'm thinking she's getting ready to tell me she didn't understand what I meant. Nope, not even that.

"Well, I misunderstood the reason I was calling I guess, because I'm not talking about any of that." She then rants about how she's not going to debate with me & she doesn't owe me any answers & she wasn't going to talk about any of this with me. Each word getting louder than the last.


I tell her she can't just go almost 3 weeks without talking to me, have dad call me this morning & cast so much light on things & then not tell me why she lied about what I'd told her about seeing Jules. And then I threw out that I know she also didn't bother telling him I'd called about that ultrasound appointment. She then screams at me that "Oh, I told him about that message, the one where you said you didn't care if we didn't keep him, because you have Adam & he can just do it."

*sigh* again.

I tell her it wasn't like that, I tell her what I said in the message again & told her I'd called to ask if they were going to keep him & gave her 24 hours to call & tell me before Adam had to call in for work because I couldn't miss that appointment.

She again yells at me, telling me she owes me no answers & she wasn't going into any of this with me.

I say something else before I realized she hung up on me.

In the next minute, I tell Adam about how she just flipped out on me & was just calling to see when she could pick our son up without talking about any of these things. I then decided, fuck it, I'm calling my dad again.

I call back. She answers...calmly, like nothing happened. I tell her it's me & I want to speak to my dad. She throws the phone down & tells my dad I want to speak to him all pissy. I talk to my dad. Again.

As before, I told him she wasn't going to throw all of this shit out to him, then get off without talking about any of it, that she wasn't going to start shit, then yell & fuss at me like she did...that I didn't put up with that from Adam's family & I wasn't going to put up with her doing it. He, again, ask what I want to talk about with her. I tell him I want to talk about why she told him I said they couldn't see Jules for a few weeks. He then tells me he didn't say that to me today.

*sigh* yet again.

He tells me he got mixed up, that what she's actually told him was that I said they couldn't see him but for an hour or two. I told him that made no sense, that there was a huge difference in that & what he said earlier & there was a huge difference between spending a couple hours & not seeing him at all.

He the tells me he actually did know about the message I left about my ultrasound, but he argued I just said "doctors appointment" in it & he didn't know I meant the ultrasound. I know I said ultrasound, I know it. But I told him I'd not argue that, let's say I said doctors appointment. I asked didn't it bother him at all that even though he had no idea what doctors appointment it was, she did. He didn't have much to say to that.

What I figured out in all of this was that he went back to her & told her everything I laid out for him. How I told him what I'd really said & how I'd left the message about my specialist appointment. I'm sure that pissed him off because as screwed up as my dad is, he does care. So I'm guessing what happened was my mother just "expanded" her story. Told him I may have said they could see him a couple hours here & there, & how she heard the message but I didn't say what kind of appointment it was.

He starts telling me, "I'll see if I can get her to answer that one question for you" meaning that question about why she told him I said Jules couldn't come over. Of course, if he was now saying she didn't really say that, it didn't make sense. I told him to forget it. I tried that, she won't. And heaven forbid she answers me & I have more questions & maybe even a discussion.

He told me that he can't remember everything word for word, that he's getting her side & then talking to me about it, that people with the issues should talk about them. I agreed & told him I tried, but she refused & hung up on me. Then he told me how almost 3 weeks has passed & everyone's memory fades about all the fine details. I agreed & told him that's why I tried calling the day after that bad night at their house & several times since then. He said people need to talk face to face. I told him I'd love to, but I'm not bringing my kid over to watch it. He tells me I can come alone & I quickly tell him that since they are listing issues with Adam, I think he needs to be there as well, & he agreed that made sense as well.

My dad does alot of agreeing, but not much standing up for me in this.

My dad told me he didn't understand why I couldn't open up to them. Yes, seriously. I threw out the annoying hellish past couple of weeks. How I had that scare on Saturday. How I have to appeal & debate with insurance all the time, I'm waiting any day now to get a reject letter about Joel's autopsy & how I'll have to write another graphic letter about how a baby autopsy is needed. How I'm stressed out with other things we have going on. And how I'd have no problem telling him any of this. But that it sucks that I couldn't call & tell them what was going on. I tell him I'd told my mom about all the medical bills, I assumed he knew, I figure telling my mother we owe an insane amount of money for things, she'd tell my dad. I didn't want to tell both of them & make them think I was trying to ask for money. He tried to tell me she didn't know either, but I told him she did, that the last time we got a $4500 bill in, I called her on the way home from the post office in tears. She told me to pay $5 a month & get over it basically. He told me if I was scared Saturday, I could have "called & left a detailed message" & they would have called me back. So...something bad has to happen for them to call me back? Me saying I need to talk to them isn't enough? Do I have to break all bad news to their answering machine? Last time my mom got her panties in a bunch Joel died. I had to break that news to their machine & they didn't bother listening to it until the next morning.

He talked more about how I don't come over & visit them, how we don't come & have cook outs & things. Mind you, we have several last summer. It's hard to cook out in winter in West Virginia. So I asked if he knew about what my mom & I had been planning for a few weeks, we'd been planning cook outs & talking about how we were going to buy this & that, Adam was going to cook, blah blah blah. He sat quietly & told me she didn't tell him any of that. I told him, "Yeah, one was going to happen in April, but at this rate I guess not anymore." I asked if he thought I really felt welcomed to just visit, when my mom makes comments to me about my parenting, my house, & my life in you really want to hang out with people who put you down? And when exactly are we all suppose to load up & go over there all day? After Adam gets home Jules naps. After that we eat. In between all of that, we're doing things for school & trying to clean the house, do laundry, etc. It'd be great to have time to hang out & visit with people, but we don't do that with anyone, wasn't like anyone was avoiding them. I could see their argument if I was out visiting other people & having get together without them, but that's not the case. I got together with my cousin's wife & their kids once since 2010 started. My only outing this year so far. I also told him that I still don't think Adam acts badly with my mom, but if he did & I just didn't notice, can you really blame him? He just heard my mom screaming at me over nothing on the phone, as he has other times. He's had to deal with me upset & sad too many times. He had to deal with me being sad that my mom didn't want to spend easter with us. So you know what, maybe he is bitter towards her. Most people would be, just myself & my dad are so use to it now we aren't. He agreed. Like he agreed again that he never knew they'd been invited over, like he never knew we'd made plans for summer things already.

In the end, I told him he was more than welcome to call or come over anytime, we're usually always home. Told him he can help build our swing set like we'd planned for over a month now. Told him I'd call him on his cell phone. But calling that house? Done. I can't say I'm happy with my dad in this situation either, part of me wishes he'd be as pissed at my mom as I am. Of course I think he is, he's just not letting me know. He knows she's been lying to him & leaving things out & making the situation look way worse than it is. He knows she's said cruel things to me. I can tell he's sad. He misses me & he misses Jules. That makes me sad. He is worried this baby will die, too. He's upset he sat back for 3 weeks & just let this all go on. But my mother, she's insane. I told him this was our own fault, that we tolerated way too much for way too long, so now she feels like she can do this & get away with it.

So he agrees. He knows I'm telling the truth. But in the end, he's not going to do much of anything about it. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. He wants to keep the peace, he doesn't want to deal with my mother. Can't say I blame him, but at the same time you can't ignore things just because you don't want to deal with them. He said he'd see what happens over the next couple days. I doubt that means much of everything.

I'd gotten use to not having a mom all these years. It still made me sad, but I was use to it. She was never going to be the mom others had & I wanted. But over the last couple years, I've lost my dad. He's the family I had all these years. He fought with her alot of years. I think he's out of fight. And I'm out of forgiveness without someone actually being sorry. I think that's a losing combination in this situation. And as sad as that makes me, I know it's not my fault. I can hope something happens, an awakening on my mothers part, but I use to wish for that as a kid. Never happened. I doubt it will happen as an adult.

I'm sad. I have enough to be sad over in my life. I'd like it to stop.

That last line sounds like I'm going to go jump off a bridge, but I'm not, I promise. I'm just going to sit here sad & wonder if something I did in a past life I don't even believe in cursed me in this life. Because really, if people deserve a break in whatever mess in life there I not one of them? Jeesh.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

How NOT to talk to a dead baby mom if you're the nurse she's calling.

So The Blair hadn't been moving much. He's usually all over the place & yesterday he dropped down to way less movement. Even poking & prodding didn't get him moving last night. I figured it was because I was so busy yesterday.

This morning I woke up & he still wasn't moving right. My doppler said his heart rate was anywhere from 115-130. The 115 kinda worried me, but I figured I was getting that count when he wasn't letting me get a clear shot of his heat beat.

Not being an idiot & being pregnant as a life skill at this point, I did everything I kne they'd tell me to do if I called my OB's office. I drank water & laid on my left side. That hour I got about 3, maybe 4, movements. Later I drank some juice. Didn't do mu h difference. I drank a coke, which really had the opposite effect on him, I think he took a nap at that point. Got up & ate a bowl of cereal. Gave it some time, he still didn't move much. Maybe 4 times in 45 minutes? HIs heart rate went back up to 150-ish though, so that was good.

But at that point, I opted to call my OB's office. Now, I had another instance when I was pregnant with Jules of calling the after hours number & getting nothing in response but about 4 hours long of headache & aggravation. Back then, because it was almost time for the office to open, no one bothered to call me back. I got ahold of the office about 45 minutes later & then spent all morning going back & forth with the stupid nurse, who I refused to deal with ever again after that.

Anyway, back to this current experience. I hate faith that since the office changed since then, that things would be different. The good news is she called me back in like 3 minutes. The bad news is she called me back within 3 minutes.

First, she's breaking up & she is somewhere very loud. I'm convinced she was at the mall the more I think about it. She can't hear me because she's in the middle of whatever, so I'm having to say everything twice & basically yell a few times.

Ummm...shouldn't you go somewhere quiet when you call a patient? Just curious.

She acted from the start of the phone call that I was bothering her. She made it clear that she was busy & didn't have time to deal with me & my petty concerns. I believe a couple times, she started talking to people around her.

Yes, seriously.

She does exactly hat I knew she would. Tells me to drink water. Tell her I did that & told her the results. She tells me to drink juice. I told her I did that & went ahead & told her I'd also tried drinking a soda to see if that helped & it did nothing. I had to repeat all of that again because she couldn't hear.

I'm finally told, "Well, babies sleep."


Looking back, I should have blurted out a reminder of "yeah, I know, I gave birth to one that never woke up." Maybe that would have got her attention away from the sales rack she was looking at with whoever.

Instead I tell her I knew that babies slept, but he was moving less yesterday & he's moving less today, even when I do things to get him moving. I tell her I was told I should call if the baby is moving less than what is normal for them & he is. Hell, the paperwork says to call if I "just feel like something isn't right."

She tells me, again, that babies sleep. I guess for 24 hours? That he's asleep & will be "kicking up a storm" later tonight because "that's what babies do." And, again, she's still talking to me like I'm a fucking idiot who is just interrupting her day off work. Anyway, she finally tells me if I'm worried I can go to the hospital labor & delivery. But as long as I feel something sometimes, it's not a huge deal.

Last time I felt "something, sometimes" my baby died, mind you. And babies don't just go from totally active, stable heart rates to dead in 3 seconds flat. So I'm trying to be more aware of things now & take preventive measures myself to cut off anything bad happening or so if the worse does happen, people won't go behind my back asking the medical "professionals" things like "why didn't she know?" or "how long was she carrying the baby after it died?" like I found out they did last time.

Anyway. I say, "OK, well, if he's just sleeping like you say he is, if he doesn't start moving more later or tomorrow, would you suggest I go in?"

"uh, yeah, sure, I guess."

Again, in that tone of "why are you bothering me?" & this time adding in a bit of "I'm just telling you this so you'll leave me alone."

I respond with "OK" because I'm not really sure where to go at this point. Before I can figure it out, she tells me, "OK, bye" & hangs up.

The end.

Of course, this does give me one thing...I no longer worry about not having jelly on the 30th. I cannot wait to go in & tell my doctor what a cunt (can you tell I love that word?) I dealt with, too busy to even go somewhere she could focus on the pregnant woman on the phone with her instead of whatever she was doing otherwise. Chances are I'll get on my soap box. You remember my soap box, right?


Just imagine my slender stick figure had a gut now, I'm too lazy to create a new one.

And from there, just lecture about how I'm not even sure why they have & brag about their after hours care if the person answering you call doesn't give a damn. And how sad it is that even though they want to pretend they are there for me, the dead baby mom, after 5pm on weekdays until 8am the next weekday morning, I'm on my own because what that woman told me is something I could have found on google if I didn't have any idea, only google may at least pull up website that act like they give a damn. And from now on, instead of wasting my time or getting my hopes up, I'll just go to that damn hospital I hate so much, since I have to go there until I'm 37 weeks, & take care of myself. Unless, of course, he'd like to give me his phone number so I can have someone who would at least have the sense to go to the mall bathroom & talk to me instead of staying inside Hot Topic & saying, "what?!" at everything I said.

That of course, if I hold it in until then. I may just call Monday, depending on how fired up I stay about this womans attitude over the weekend.

...I should prepare for these things ahead of time. I regret not just telling her that all myself. I need to stop getting shocked by complete & total incompetence from people who are suppose to take care of me so I can at least bitch them out.

The Blair is currently fine. He likes when mommy gets good & fired up.

I'm going to go back to watching Property Ladder on TLC & monitoring The Blair.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I need family members.

I'd like to invite any & everyone to create a family with me. You can pick your own made up relation to me. The real list of family just keeps getting smaller & smaller.

Today, for he first time in several days, I spoke to my mother. I decided to be annoying since I'd not called in a week, so I called every hour or so. Just because. I was in a mood.

Finally answered after several calls. It was an exciting 4 minutes of being responded to, let me tell you.

About 1 minute of telling me why they didn't answer my calls all day until now.

About 20 seconds of discussion about how I'd been sick, after I brought it up.

About 1 minute discussion of my cousin having a baby. They already knew, more than I knew in fact. She had a c-section after around 17 hours of labor & the comment that went something like, "they know what they are doing down there, they did it right." I guess that is a shot at me & my 24 plus hour long labors. Maybe even a shot at the whole dead baby thing, but maybe I'm sensitive.

About 1 minute of discussion of lumber.

The end.

Ugh. Why do I even bother?

Oh yeah, I remember. They have pets. I'd hate to find out they died a week ago & the pets went hungry all that time.

No asking about Jules. No asking about the other baby or his important ultrasound. Of course everyone else in the family knows it was fine (because they asked) so I suppose they've heard it is. Of course, I find it funny that my close family has to hear from distant family, when even people who live across the country check in with me personally to make sure things are going well. I live 10 minutes from people, but that doesn't make it easier.

Moving is totally on the to do list now in the next couple years.

My cousins wifes mother (confused?) seemed more concerned about my ultrasound & talked to me about my medical problems last week before she made her way home. She had been told by the cousins wife, so she just wanted to know how things were. On her own. Without anyone making her ask or me telling her. After making us & our kids a snack. She's not even related to me minus a distant legal connection & I've only been around her maybe 5 times in my life. And even though she was in the hurry the other day, I think that discussion was longer than 4 minutes.


OK. Whatever.

I'm not taking applications or anything, I'm not picky. But if you'd like to adopt me as a cousin, sister, or even daughter I am very available. I figure beggers can't be choosers. Plus, really, can I get any worse than what I've got? I doubt it. Remember, you can also adopt the husband if you rather. We are both free & clear for the most part. Take us, we're yours.

Anyone want to come visit & either watch my toddler or hold my hand as I give birth? At this rate, we don't have anyone to stay with Jules while I'm in the hospital being induced, so you can either opt to babysit him while Adam is with me or watch he miracle of life live & in person as Adam watches various Buzz Lightyear shows with the toddler.

I'm really unsure which would be worse. Flip a coin.

I'm not sad, just annoyed.

I'm off to order my son a kick ass swing set. Slides are cooler than grandparents I bet.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Glucose're doing it wrong.

Today I had a prenatal. It was at 3pm. Oh, what a prenatal it was suppose to be.

Ultrasound, glucose testing, then prenatal. They had first wanted to do it on tomorrow, the 17th, which is my wedding anniversary. Not that I have anything planned, but I don't want to spend my anniversary spending 3 hours at the doctors office.

Since my parents are still not speaking to us, I had to take Jules (let me clarify, they've never called & at this point I've given up, so I guess one could argue they'd talk if I'd call, but how many times do I have to call exactly before I give up?). Thankfully, Adam would get there soon after, but it was my worse fear on earth that they'd do the ultrasound & he wouldn't be there. Not because I'm worried about missing out on some magical moment with him, but I needed someone to hold Jules. He's 2, you know.

Let me just say...I hate glucose testing. Hate it. I don't get sick, I don't feel weird, I don't mind the drink. I'm not a fan of a blood draw, but even worse I hate the whole thing. Being pleasantly plump, everyone looks at you like you must have gestational diabetes. You can almost hear them mooing at you as your drink the 10oz orange soda.

With Jules I used the office I use now. That The woman at the reception window gave me my drink then stared at me while I sat. Like stared. She didn't take her eyes off of me. And every minute or so she'd bark at me, "Jessica, this is timed, you need to hurry!" Not in a way to let me know the 5 minutes was running out, but in a way that really said to me, "I have more important things to do than stare at you, Ms. Diabetes Waiting to Happen."

So I have issues.

I passed it, but other doctors would have made me take the 3 hour test. I scored a 138, the cut off is 140, but some doctors use 130. I believe 130 is the recommended cut off, even though it's got a super high false positive rate. And I had this fear that since I figure they just assume my plump butt will get it, the doctor will look at me & tell me "just in case" if I score close to 140. He did tell me how his wife scored 140 & she had to do the 3 hours, to which I cringed & told him I'd be a bad patient & would likely pass on the 3 hour if I scored exactly 140. He responded with telling me, "Well, I'll tell you it's like 142 then."

Some people may fear that response, their doctor saying they'd lie to their patient, but I'm a pain in this mans ass & he knows I'll make him show me anything & everything. He knows better.

But anyway, I was not looking forward to this just because I don't. There are do's & don'ts when it comes to what you can eat & drink before this test & honestly, I'm paranoid so I always take the option to fast the day of the test, only enjoyed yummy, flavorless water. All day. Until 3pm. Not that I eat big meals in the morning or anything, I'm more of a snacker through the day, but when you can't eat toast & jelly 4 hours before an appointment, you know what you want?

You want some fucking toast & strawberry jelly. And a coke. That's just how it works out.

I fight my jelly fit all day & manage to get myself & Jules dressed. Thank you, Caillou, for entertaining my son so I can get dressed. And sorry to any neighbors I may have flashed while getting dressed in the living front of a large picture window...with only some of the curtains closed. Feel free to leave me tips in my mail box though. We (well, I) let the dogs in. They see we are dressed, so of course they want back outside. I then spend 5 minutes chasing one of our dogs & dragging him into the house. I buckle in the short person, open the gate, & make my way to Chick-Fil-A.

Yes, you read that right.

I decided since Jules hadn't ate much, I'd get him some waffle fries & a fruit cup. I then decided I'd get large sizes & eat the left overs myself after my blood draw. Oh, & a coke. Can't forget my coke.

We go to the doctors office & make our way inside. My son is Mr. Attention...until strangers look at him. Then he goes into his little shell & doesn't want to talk. Or walk. So I walk while trying to pull him along, while he's attached to my leg & has his face buried in my upper leg. Or my lower butt. Whatever you want to call it. I go to the lab/ultrasound window & tell them I'm there for my lab & an ultrasound. She tells me someone will take care of me & to wait until they call me.

OK. Fine. I wait. I give Jules food. And I wait. Around 3:20 Adam gets there. I tell him I understand waiting to see someone, but I don't understand waiting for a drink. I hear my name called, look up, & see the ultrasound tech. Alright. No drink right now for me. Great.

I get my ultrasound. Things are good. Until she uses the 3D feature, of course. Because then Jules goes from seeing a lizard to seeing a BABY. Staring at him. After that experience, he's ready to go. He tries to leave, only to turn around & come back for me & make me leave, too. He was afraid they were trying to stick a human being in me.

She tells me I have to go to the other window for my doctor. Alright, I go. Oh, & they must have told her how scared I was that time she didn't let me carry my paperwork, because this time she handed it all to me & told me to take it with me. I read it as I walked to the next window. I wait several minutes because she's on the phone talking to someone about their IUD removal to tell her I was suppose to have my glucose test, but no one has given me anything yet. She tells me she has to check on it, because she has no idea if she's suppose to give it to me or the lab is suppose to.

This is great, it really is.

After even more waiting, discussion of our babys nose & it's potential size, & more waiting, I hear my name again. I see a nurse I've never seen before, but she doesn't have my drink, she has my chart. My nurse was sick come to find out. I don't like many people, but I always liked my nurse from day one. So I wasn't a fan of her not being there & this new woman being the nurse for the day. And she, my friends, was a pleasure.

We annoyed her right away because I got right up & walked back. Adam was collecting Jules, which was taking too long because she blurted out, "are they coming back or what?" in an annoyed tone. She was "asking" me, but how loud she said it I'm sure it was her nice way of telling Adam & the 2 year old to hurry the fuck up, she's got no time waiting for short legs to walk at their pace.

I planned on telling this lovely lady as well, but she was in no mood to hear anything I said. She went through the list of pregnancy problems fast & blunt. She asked if I had headaches, I said yes because I do, but I tried to mention that I always have headaches even when I'm not pregnant. It went like this:

Nurse: Headaches?
Me: Yes, but I...

I didn't type in all caps because I like to (even though I do sometimes), I typed in caps to show that she had a change in tone & voice level in what could only be an effort to get me to shut up telling her about my headaches. She gives me a solo cup to pee in & insist I bring it out to her, which was weird for me because I always just left it in the bathroom & the nice nurse I always see just goes in there & test it. Something weird about walking around with a cup of urine. If you trust me to walk around the office with a solo cup of urine, which I'm just scared I'll spill on someone walking around a corner, just give me the magical testing strip & I'll do it myself. I can read colors, you know. She comes in the exam room eventually & does my blood pressure, which was 122/80. I was going to ask if she was using the fat arm cuff, since some people never want to use it for me even though I have fat arms & the regular cuff gives slightly higher than normal readings, but I figured she didn't care to hear my stupid suggestion. I figured if my doctor started screaming about pre-eclampsa I'd just ask for another nurse with a fat arm cuff.

We wait. I eventually check the time. It's around 3:45. The lab closes at 4:30. I look at Adam & say, "I'm not getting that test, am I?" After a little back & forth, we decided I wasn't, so I popped some waffle fries & fruit in my mouth & washed the tasty treats does with my coke.

I figured when the doctor walked in & asked how I was, I'd tell him "not taking a glucose test." I wanted to see the fear flash across his face, thinking I'm refusing it, only to correct him by explaining how I'd been asking for my drink but no one knew who was suppose to give it to me. He tricked me though. He walked in & didn't ask that. After about 2 minutes he asked if anyone ever got me my drink. I hold up my fruit & my coke & tell him, "Nope, & I figured it was getting late & I was getting hungry." He then tells me we'll do it next time, that it was kinda early on to do it anyway.

I wanted to say, "well, no shit, but I thought you wanted to get this all done & over with today, that's why I stressed for a month & starved for jelly today" but I didn't.

He ask how the fetal echo went. I tell him fine as far as we were told, he's still waiting on the report. He tells me the ultrasound from today looks good & they were able to see everything they'd missed previously. We talk about Toy Story. We talk about how in 2 weeks I'll come back for a check up & the glucose test. I wanted to say, "suuuure." So on March 30th, I'll crave jelly. It's a guarantee now. I forget if he said we'd do paperwork then or not. If not, it'll happen in 4 weeks (so mid-April) when I do another prenatal & an ultrasound. I guess they've either had lawsuits or are worried about lawsuits, because now they do all their labor & delivery consent forms in office early in the 3rd trimester. According to him, it's a better chance to go over the risk of say forceps delivery instead of waiting until someone is in labor & the baby's heart rate is in the 50's. Most people would find that horrifying to think of. Me? I thought, "Wow, a heartbeat? During labor? I forgot about that." He said he'd start seeing me weekly by 32 weeks so we don't go through....then he spend about 30 seconds trying to find the right words to replace the phrase I would have used, "dead baby adventures" so not to upset me. It's nice he's sensitive to it I suppose. I'm totally desensitized to it. Almost to a blunt, insensitive point. Sorry if that offends anyone.

Anyway, it's still a baby. Not a lizard. Yay.

I will now let you peek into my uterus. You're welcome.



Always a good thing.

As usual, he stared.


Now he just needs to learn to point & whisper about people.

We finally got a good profile shot.


He's got feet.


The toes are to the left, if you care to try to figure that out.

She asked if we knew the sex (well, she said gender, which is a huge pet peeve of mine). I told her boy.


She assured us he's still a boy & called this his boy part. PENIS. It's a PENIS.


This is the moment Jules knew his life was over.


The black & white stuff turned into a face. A face of a baby.


He seriously buried his face in Adam's leg after these pictures were on the great big TV.

See any baby look alike parts?


Blair on the left, Jules on the right. Joel never had any 3D pictures, so can't compare him. I don't think this one looks much like Jules at all. Joel didn't look much anything like Jules either. All of my sons are going to look freakishly different at this rate. Guess we'll find out in June though. Hope for hair. I like my children to have hair. I'm shallow like that

And Jules goes to the dentist a couple days after my next prenatal. I'm looking forward to that. And that, my friends, is sarcasm. I'll take my camera to capture how well that experience that works out. I took the kid to see Elmo & he made me want to give him to the gypsies, the dentist can't be much better.

Oh, & to the commenter on the above post named Elmo balloon is still staring at me, mocking me from above. I guess I got my $8 worth...if you count being stared at by some creepy read monster head floating on the ceiling, getting caught in the fan from time to time, making my dog bark.

And it's now March 17th. Happy my wedding anniversary, everyone. Or St. Patrick's Day, whatever you want to call it. I like to call it the day I ruined my inlaws life officially. That's always cause to celebrate with inlaws like mine. You can celebrate that with me if you're a long time reader. Or a short time reader. I'm not picky.

Friday, March 12, 2010

My cats kill mice.

Well, mouse really.

Well, they've done it twice now, so I guess that's mice.

I mean a computer mouse, for the record. They eat cords. And because of that, I only have one not great picture from today's ultrasound to share.


I'll post a couple more tomorrow when the husband steals a mouse from work so we can scan the pictures correctly.

Vital organs & blood flow to everything is good. Fluid is good as well. They didn't do a measurement of him, as my doctor didn't order it. I'll get that Tuesday at the regular office I'm sure though.

And no, he doesn't have a horn on his head. I'm not pregnant with a unicorn. But how awesome would that be really? Painful, but awesome. Anyway, that's his hand. Blair likes to vogue I guess, because most of the scan he spent with his hand up like that & his other hand & arm across his chest. That always makes a fetal heart exam easy, right? He also continued his staring problem. I have one picture with his mouth open, where it looks like something from a horror movie. This kid, he's already taking funny pictures. He also looks chubby in the face compared to the other children who lived in my womb. I'd say fat, but no one likes someone who calls a baby fat, so we'll go with chubby.

Oh, & he was officially called "wild" today. So maybe I'm carrying the human version of that penguin in Happy Feet. Or he's got ADHD.

I'll hope for the penguin. They are cute.

Hey, speaking of cute, any readers out there in Upper Darby, PA? Because if so, you should buy tickets to CoCo. Why? Because you'll get to see me. At 38 weeks pregnant. A short 8 hours away from home. For CoCo. I'll be the woman in labor, refusing to go to the hospital until the show is over or the really pregnant woman "Touch my belly, CoCo!" You won't be able to miss me.

Oh yeah, I'm insane. But you should know this already. In my defense, I tried to get tickets to a show in DC, which is 5 hours from here, but they were totally sold out. By the time I realized that, I'd already hyped myself up about going. So it was that Upper Darby place or Chicago, which is 10 hours away. So New Darby won. I'm hoping to see the Rocky Statue & drive through Philly alternating between singing the theme songs to Cold Case & The Fresh Prince. all want to meet me now, huh?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Facebook status updates tell my life story.

Hi there, how are you? Me? Well, I'm something. I'm bad at starting stories, so I figured I'd steal my recent facebook status to help me out.

Thursday I have an ultrasound with a specialist. My mom was to watch Jules so I could go, but since telling her he can't stay the night because she still gives him bottles like we've asked her to stop doing for months, she is no longer talking to me & ignoring my messages. Adam has to take off work so I can go to this ...important appointment an hour away. So my 2 year old getting bottles>avoid dead babies. Rant over.

Now, you must be confused. Or maybe not, I'm not a mind reader, but I'll explain just in case you are.

Last week we had a family dinner out. The cousins wife & I came up with the idea to get ourselves together on Friday, then decided to get my parents & the cousins parents in on the adventure as well.

Now, if you know stories of my mom you may be biting your lip & looking around the room like, "Ummm...wonder how this all worked out?"

It worked out great. Life was fine. Dinner was good. Well, for the most part. Nothing major though, so that was good. After dinner, we went back to my moms house for dessert.

You can go back to biting your lip & looking around the room awkwardly if you'd like. This would be the time.

Jules went to sleep on the car ride over. We take him in & eventually Adam lays him on the couch. My mom had wanted to lay him in the bed, but we were hoping he'd wake back up. To not only play, but because it was like 7:30 so we knew if he slept now it's be awful getting him to bed later. Plus, we knew if he stayed asleep it'd be a awkward event when we left & didn't want him to stay all night like my mom would suggest. I missed out on whatever words transpired, but my dad & Adam had agreed that they should leave Jules' coat on. If he woke up & wanted it off he'd take it off. If not, we would be leaving soon if he didn't want up anyway & we didn't want to try to wrestle it back on him. Apparently, even though Adam & my dad said that to my mom, she went on with her thoughts of taking it off of him, to which Adam told her to leave it on. She didn't speak to him the rest of the night. Oh well.

There were a few awkward moments...OK, just one actually. A good time was being had, talking with my mom & my aunt, when my mom didn't like what I said & snapped at me, finger waving & telling me to "shut up" so she could say what I'd just said herself. Again, oh well. I eventually excuse myself from that drama, & go in the living room with the husband & the cousins wife.

Apparently, I missed a fun time in one of the upstairs rooms. The kids were all pretending to go to bed, & as soon as the light went off, my 27 month old son started demanding a bottle & when he was told no, he started asking for my parents.

Back story. We stopped giving Jules bottles months ago. By the time he was 18 months, he was taking a bottle of water at night but after about a month of that it was done & over. However, at the parents house that wasn't the case. I'd told my mom that we were stopping bottles around the same time, she said OK. Well, a few months go by & I never think of it again. Until one day we're in the kitchen, getting ready to leave him, & they make a bottle. We explain that we stopped bottles some time ago, my dad said he understood & that they'd stop them, too. A couple weeks later, we found out they hadn't stopped. A knock out, drag out fight ensued, which left my mother not talking to me for a week or so. But once we did, she told me the bottles were done.

Yay, life is good.


A couple weeks ago, Jules had stayed & when he came home he was all about bottles. I finally asked him & he told me my mom gave them to him. I told her that, she said they didn't. I knew better. The next day, she confessed that he would get bottles "sometimes" because they felt bad telling him no.


Since then it's gone back & forth, with her telling me she hadn't given him one when he's been over there, but his constant demand for them said otherwise. We knew better. And Friday night, our toddler showed us.

He decided that he was tired again, which sent him into an unholy fit of yelling, crying, & scaring the other kids with his fit. What was the thing he wanted more than life itself? "BOTTLE!" What was cute was that my mom tried to say at one point, "Oh, he's asking for a ball." He kept pointing to the cabinets & crying for one. My mom eventually tells him, "Your mom & dad are here, so you can't have one tonight." Not "you can't have one" or even "your mom & dad say no," but "you can't have one tonight."

We're annoyed because there is no reason he should be having a fit for a bottle. And it's also embarrassing as all hell in front of family, who all know he's too old for a bottle. I know these people better than to think that they think we're bad people or anything like that because of our sons tantrum, but it shouldn't have happened. He cried all the way home for a bottle, cried when we got home for a bottle. Was up until midnight for a bottle.

I was so angry at bottles, I wanted to dig our old ones out to throw them away because Blair is going to get a bottle when hell freezes over after this incident.

At that moment, I know that this has to get under control. I made the decision that night that I wouldn't go to my 7am ultrasound for my gallbladder pain on the following Monday because the plan had been for Jules to stay all night with the parents. Knowing the next night he'd be home screaming for a bottle just made that thought unbearable. I told Adam that until we get him to a point where it's not a concern anymore, that he just can't stay the night & that I'll have to change all of my appointments for times when I wouldn't have to make everyone get up at the crack of dawn. I knew my parents would be annoyed.

I call the next day, no one answers. OK. The next day, Sunday, comes. The plan had been that Sunday evening he'd go to their house & then Monday after my appointment I'd pick him up. I hated the convo I knew I was about to have because while I was annoyed at the situation, I wasn't mad & I didn't want drama. I tell my mom what we'd talked about, that Jules could come hang out & play all day long, but until we get things under control over the next few weeks, he wouldn't be staying all night. She got off the phone with me right away. I asked her to call me later that night to plan for Jules coming over Monday to visit. She said she would. She never did.

Monday comes, I call several times on the house line & her cell phone. No one ever answers. I take a shower & my mom calls. I had Adam answer since I obviously can't talk on a cell phone while in the shower & he had what sounded like an amusing exchange with my mom. Not wearing her glasses, she'd accidentally selected my number on the caller id to call back. So calling my phone was a total mistake. I guess when he asked if he should have me call her back she just said no & that was about it. I call when I get out. No answer.

I call again that night & leave a message that went something like, "Hi, I'm just leaving a message to have proof that I called you. I guess you'll call me when you want to talk, so I guess I'll wait & talk to you later. Bye." Later comes & goes & I realize what I mentioned in my facebook post...that Thursday I have an important ultrasound. It's an hour away with a specialist to make sure the baby's organs are all developing well & to rule out any problems with them & any blood flow to them. If there was a scan to be worried about, it'd be this one.

So I call again. I leave another message, reminding her of my appointment Thursday afternoon & telling her I really need to know if Jules can come visit them Thursday, because otherwise Adam will have to take off work & when it's a situation like this, he's required to give advance notice & find a sub to make sure someone works for him. I ask her to call me by Tuesday afternoon because Adam will need to request the day off. Isn't like we can just wait & see what happens, this place books up fast. I've had this appointment since January. If I change the date now, I may not be able to get it at all since it has to be done at certain weeks in pregnancy.

Tuesday comes & goes without anything from them. I took the "actions speak louder than words" approach & decided that was a "no" & Adam put in for the time off & found a sub.

Hence my feelings reflected in the facebook posting above...the aggravation of us not letting him stay the night over the bottle issue somehow worked out to be more important than this appointment for the new baby on Thursday. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm entitled to my feelings, right? Of course it doesn't help that my mother once asked me if grandparents love all their grandkids the same, then told me how she didn't think she's love any of them as much as she loves Jules, but she wouldn't show it so not to worry. I figured once another baby was here she'd get over it. Hmmm.

I did actually talk to her today for all of you waiting on the edge of your seats. She talked for about 30 second, told me that they'd been sick "for days, since Sunday" & she couldn't talk. Mind you, Sunday she was fine & wanted Jules to stay all night. And Monday she spoke to Adam & sounded fine then as well. I mean, it's possible they got sick. Yeah, sure. But if they were sick Monday it would have been nice to get a call since they were suppose to be our childcare for a very important appointment this week. I guess they did the "she'll figure it out" approach. This appointment was known about for months, there was even talk of my dad driving me to it at one point. It wasn't like it was forgotten.

Of course, tonight I got another call from the cousins wife (calling her that makes it sound like I don't like her, but I promise I like her alot) & she left a message since I missed the call. Peeps on the facebook are related to me. She'd heard from peeps about my post talking about how Adam had to take off work & such, so she had to be talking about the above post. So part of me wonders if it's gotten back to the parents yet, if it will at all. Sure, that whole "bottles>dead baby" thing was kinda harsh, but that was actually my attempt to be witty, for lack of a better word, in this situation. Of course, I'm sure if there is an issue if it gets back to them it will be more of a "I can't believe you tell people things like that" more than what I actually said.

I have to admit, my first reaction was "oh shit, I don't want to deal with what could come of this." But then I realized it's a little late, I'm entitled to my opinion, & I share way too much with the world. So consider this a warning...if you interact with me in any way, shape, or form, I may blog or otherwise announce my feelings & opinions about that. That's what makes me neato, being open & honest. It's also what makes me very unpopular with some people.

But I never knew bottles were so dramatic. I'm really relaxed about my kid. I don't freak out if people give him some candy or something else not great for him. You'd think one simple request turned rule of "no bottles" would be easy.

But hey, this isn't anything for you to worry about. Worse comes to worse, the family explodes from my facebook post, but even then you get a dramatic blog about it.

You're welcome.

So in other news, like I said, tomorrow we have an ultrasound appointment to make sure this baby has all the parts still & that they are functional & that blood supply is what it should be to all of them. I'm expecting some bad news, just because. I don't even know if I'll get news then, I guess we'll see tomorrow. Let's hope, I don't do "patience" very well.

At my last prenatal visit we discussed this upcoming scan & my gallbladder. I was suppose to have that checked out Monday, but we all know how that worked out. Eventually I'll get that done I guess. Also before my last prenatal, we went on an adventure. To where? To get my prizes.

Hooray, winner!

We pulled up & parked outside the lawyers office where we closed on our house.


If I had known, I would have brought eggs.

Oh look, the radio station is in the same building as the bank we used to finance our house.


Where the fuck are my eggs?!

Nothing better than walking in & seeing this.


I guess that joke about escalators not breaking, they become stairs, isn't always true.

People came out of their offices to look at me. And ask to make sure Adam wasn't the guy I wrote about. I should have wore a shirt that said, "I'd date anyone in college!" But who cares, I got my prizes.


And I really had no idea what they were.

But I found out, of course.

First up...


A gift certificate to a spa. I get to be rubbed by strangers!


A CD of music to have sex to. You know, if I had sex.


A stack of gift certificates including...$50 in free flowers, a sex shop, an Avon lady, & a restaurant. Oh, & a free ice cream cake. Being pregnant I'm all like, "Lets go get this fucking ice cream cake NOW!" but Adam said we had to go to the doctor. Boooo.

Also in the bag was a ring.


Because I am 12.

And a bottle opener.


Because they heard my son liked bottles & thought he meant more adult ones.

Then I looked at Adam & said, "Be happy in your new car!"


...we have to work on that "be happy" face.

As we wait forever at the doctors office, see that they got a new bottle for their lubrication.


I'm convinced they read my blog. BTW, I checked those cabinets, too. They also have keys. Hmmmm....

Finally, a knock came at the door. I'm excited, I'm almost done & able to leave!

Nope, it's a resident.

He was nice though. Made small talk. Likes the name Blair. Thinks my mom is weird for wanting to name a boy Cheyenne. Life was good.

When he walked out of the room, I asked Adam who he looked like. I knew it was someone, but I couldn't think of it. When he told me, I gasped then laughed hysterically, because it was very true.


He was really nice though! So nice I almost feel bad making fun of him. Almost.

More waiting.

Doctor finally comes in & talks. He feels of my gallbladder, orders the ultrasound. Orders another ultrasound at his office, which is next Tuesday. Also tells me they'll do my glucose test that day as well, so I have a few more days to figure out how to cheat that one. Fun times.

After that, we head to Loagans.


Because nothing says I have gallbladder problems like nachos with chili, cheese, & all sorts of other things you should avoid.

After that we went to Target, where I found Hello Kitty.


And some guy was trying to find paper towels.


Adam found a giant reese's egg.


It was like he saw my boobs for the first time all over again.

Then he was confused, because he found a bag of small ones & didn't know if he should get those or go with the big egg.


I feel like this is what he did when choosing between me & his ex-girlfriend...her little reese's to my big reese's.

Much like me, the big egg won him over & went home with him.

Make a inappropriate joke about eating now if you'd like.

We browsed the baby section, where I kindly reminded Adam that it's alright that he doesn't make baby girls.


Then I found a hat.


We then ran (well, walked, you should know I don't run) to a craft store. I made friends.


Adam took this picture because he thought it was funny.



I finally found cute letters for Blair's name on the wall...only for them not to have the letter "E."



I did finally find letters though. This is a phone picture of them, I'll get a better one once I actually finish them.


I'm crafty.

So hopefully tomorrow brings good news. Or at least good stories.


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