Monday, September 28, 2009

Get your fingers out of it.

Friends. Have any of those? I do. But you know who my oldest & dearest friend is? Liz.

Liz lives in California. We're married (long story, involves a Warrent song & booze though).

I have other friends, too!

Like Neil & Vicki.

They live in Canada. Canada is fucking weird. But these Canadians aren't fucking weird...well, they are I guess, but not in that weird Canada way.

And yeah, I've got more. Before you ask "hey weird lady, don't you have friend in your same zip code or something." Hmmm...no, I don't think I do. I mean yeah, I've got friends way more close than Canada, so don't think I'm THAT lame, but I find myself spending more time with people like Liz & Canadians than some friends I have closer.

Now, in case you're wondering how I know so many people across this great land, I haven't been traveling all my life or anything like that. I visit with all of these people in my living room, thanks to Comcast & the internet. These are people I've met on the internet.

...yeah, I know. People on the internet are serial killers. You should NEVER meet anyone on the internet. NEVER! Know what will happen if you do?

You get MARRIED.

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That shocked look was real.

Adam & I met through the internet. And not at a dating site, I have way too much pride for those things. Many, many, many years ago, before I was even old enough to drink or vote, I was on a message board. I left that message board years & years ago, but remained in contact with people from it. One night, another interweb friend sent me a message asking where I lived...the rest was history. For those of you who don't know that story allow me to share with you a quick run down. Other people from West Virgina came to said message board, knowing for years I joked about being the only person in WV with the internet this was amazing, I ended up talking to one of those weirdos (that is a whole other, epic funny story, but only if you know everyone involved, so I'll spare you). Talking to that weirdo turned into talking to another weirdo, which turned out to be that guy I married. He lived about an hour away from me, but of course I didn't meet him. Internet people are scary & will kill you.

Well, 4 years later & now 2 hours away from where I lived, we met. About 4 months later I was moving in with him, 3 months later we were engaged, 6 months later we were married, & on the honeymoon we made Jules. Others saw us moving at the speed of light, but really, it wasn't. We knew all of those awful things about each other for years. He knew how big of a slut I was & I knew he was an asshole (he once complained about a girl he was dating saying he was "use to having sex with prettier girls" only assholes say that!). We had the most solid relationship before we met in person than I'd ever had with anyone else, even after years of dating. Scary really.

But anyway, enough about that asshole who lucked out by having me marry him. Let's talk about other people.

It's weird, people I've never met know me better than many people I've known in "real life" for equal amounts of time. I've never fought with these people. I've never done anything but laugh at things these people have said to me. I've managed to luck out & find people like me, who get me. Sadly, they live all over the place.

Now, I know what you're thinking. How on earth can any meaningful relationships come from people on the internet? It's amazing really. Most of these people have been with me through everything & anything. Boys, kids, school, friends...the works. And they've been amazing. One of the first people I told about losing Joel (actually, the first), was Liz. When he was born, I let her know that as well. I wanted to get online & let people know, because people cared & I thought they all deserved to know. Liz was the first person to send flowers. These are some of the few friendships where I feel like the other people actually take part in it...I don't have to hunt them down or find out everything for them, they do it themselves because they want to do it. They say things because they want to. These people have no obligations to me, but they still do it. That makes me feel warm & fuzzy inside because I'm lame like that.

Plus I appreciate that they aren't cry babies & get a joke. Neil & I joked a couple weeks ago that we should be swingers, I could blog about my experience with him & maybe Vicki could train Adam to put up his dirty socks. It was an enjoyable exchange. If I'd done this with some people in real life I would have been told "grrr...leave my man alone, bitch." Think I'm kidding, that people can't be that dumb? I once got bitched at because I was throwing beach balls at a friends boyfriend. It meant I wanted him. If you saw this guy, you'd know why I cringed when she said that to me. But Vicki knows that I have enough annoying man in my life already, I need no others. Even the crazy things we talk about or suggest are taken with humor, I'm not worried about being nitpicked which is quite nice. It's not my fault that these people live far away, really it just shows how many people in Huntington suck.

There have been times I've cried for these people. And I know they've had the same. There have been times I've been so happy for these people, again, I know they've had the same. There have been times I would have jumped on a plane if it came to it. Vicki & Neil had a new baby, Tyler, a few weeks ago & he had some troubles & spent some time in the NICU. I was getting updates through his delivery, then updates on his condition from Liz. I would then pass those along to Adam because he feels like I do. When I heard there were complications, I was sitting on my couch & thought "we have to do something for them." Liz agreed. I sent Adam an email telling him about it all & on his own he called & left me a message also saying "there has to be something we can help with for them." So yeah, it's what we do.

We had a similar situation a few months ago as well. Te same day we found out we'd lost Joel, I'd been online & saw that another interweb friend, Dawn, was dealing with her own ordeal. Her son, Timmy, had an accident & we were just hearing about it. That afternoon Adam & I sat in our living room saying we needed to figure out something to do for them & we didn't even, then, know what had happened. On the drive to our prenatal visit that day Adam was snoozing in the backseat with Jules & I was driving & couldn't stop thinking about Dawn & her son. As I drove & thought about him, I felt Joel move for the last time. He's improved greatly since the original diagnosis, so now I like to think that maybe that was Joel's way of telling me things would be better for them. I like to think my boy has some connections & can help miracles. I can't say I believe in a God since everything has happened, but I do believe in miracles & good things happened. And I hope that continues to happy for Timmy & his family. I think about them everyday, which is a whole lot since they are just interweb people.

I said earlier I'd jump on a plane if I needed to & we're finally doing that. We're planning a meeting of serial killers this winter. We're flying out to California & going to Vegas as well. We're going to meet people we've known for years...Liz, her husband, Dawn & her daughter Jessie (fine name, don't you think?), & maybe more people. We're even trying to bribe Vicki & Neal into it. And I'm looking forward to it as much as I was looking forward to meeting Adam.

Hopefully none of them will try to get in my pants like he did.

Another reason to go is that I'd like to go to California before it falls off into the ocean. It's going to happen people, get out while you still can!

But until then, we have the internet. And not only do we have the internet, we have a wii. And Mario Kart.

I don't know how much you know about Mario Kart (depending on much of a life you have), but you can race with people anywhere, including your interweb friends. So yesterday, after 4 hours of driving & even less sleep, we had a hot date to get back home for. That's right, friends, we had a Mario Kart date.

Now, I just started grad school. I drive 2 hours to a class on Friday night until almost 9pm, then drive home 2 hours. I then get up & out of the house by 7am the next day & don't get home until 5pm. It was also a rough day baby wise. Hearing news of newly pregnant people is nice, but it's also painful for obvious reasons. So once the tears were dry we went to dinner, where I had fabulous margaritas. I only had 2, but lack of sleep & not drinking for a few weeks made them strong. By the 2nd drink, I was talking slowlyyyyyyyyyy. And I was also texting Liz to find out if we were on, as well as exchanging messages with Neil. I found myself at the Kroger, walking in with my phone out, whimpering "why won't Neil talk to meeeeeeeeeeeee...you think he's OKKKKKKKKKKKKK?"

I also dropped my purse & wondered around lost until Adam held my hand to make sure me, the crazy person, didn't get lost. I eventually found the bakery section & saw CUPCAKES. I think baby jesus invited cupcakes, but sadly I couldn't find any I wanted. I did find donut holes though. On the way home I text Liz to let her know that I think Adam is driving sssssslllllllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Basically, I was acting like the guy behind us at the booze store who was bitching that they were taking too long & he wanted his beer like now. I imagine he was like me in his younger years, wondering around the cupcake section.

We get home & get everything set up. Being losers, we also set up our netbook in order to be able to talk to Liz, Preston, Neil, & Vicki. We had to enjoy each others witty banter. Like when we first got home & I was trying to get Adam to make me a drink & I end up screaming for him to get his finger out of it (it being the food processor, you perverts). I also appreciated Liz's help...as I was losing my words to tell Adam to use the food processor, I just talked about "that thing that does things." Being amazing, she knew exactly what I was talking about & told him for me.

Adam, being a drunk, got drunk. I, being a bitch, told them all embarrassing stories Adam had told me in confidence. If you're curious, go over to his blog & ask him about the girl in the hoodie he was suppose to take a blow job from years ago so his fat friend could get laid. We all laughed & laughed at his misery.

But the important thing here was...

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That's right, joining friends.

Hi, Neil!

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There he is.

Oh, hi Liz!

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Hey Liz, I've always wondered, why do you look so pale?! Seriously, even I don't look that pale & I actually am that pale.

Anyway, we may have still been drinking. Maybe.

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Yeah, just maybe.

What do you do on a Saturday night? Drink with friends? Don't think we're losers, we're doing that, too. We are just WAY cooler because we're drinking with international people. And by international I mean California. Liz is a vegan, how much more foreign can you get?

Anyway, in between Liz's husband kicking our asses & Adam bitching at me because Neil & Preston are allowed to smoke, we discussed very important things. Like Beaver. It's a town here in West Virginia & if you can't figure out why it's funny, let me show you a picture...

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If you don't find humor in that, why the hell are you here? That's about as funny as I am on any given moment, so you should just leave now if that wasn't amusing to you.

I knew Adam had too much to drink when he actually did think it was a good idea to stand close to the TV while we raced on trippy "Rainbow Road."

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I knew he'd really had too much to drink when he screamed like a girl & ran away from the screen talking about how trippy it was.

Then like any good drunk he decided it was time for sushi.

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...I don't know. I was busy looking at cupcakes when he got that. Speaking of cupcakes that turned to donuts...

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Those are my donut holes he kept stealing from me because he's a meanie. Please note they are Krispy Kreme, which he claims not to care for.

Macy obviously didn't care to get involved in the madness.

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Of course, as the night progressed you could tell who was drinking more than others by who was winning...

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I'd stopped drinking because of a headache. Don't be fooled by Adam's great score, he's just use to driving really drunk. And Vicki...well...she just loses alot. :( But...

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she came in 2nd once! Yay, Vicki! I also won a couple times & it made me so happy I almost didn't take my medication that night! Of course over this 5-6 hour even, Adam eventually went crazy.

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Please note his shirt. He put it on just for all of these people. That's right, he got dressed up for them. With me, he just wears whatever is on top of the pile.

But after several hours we finally gave into our real lives & went to do whatever we had to do. The next day, hungover, Adam & I went to Crackle Barrel. This place has these dorky peg puzzle things where the goal is to jump all of them & clear them all off. It's hard.

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Of course, it's worse when Adam can't take a picture & I get annoyed.

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I failed every time so finally I quit & just threatened to throw it.

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I can't believe Marty kept fucking me up like that.

But Adam...

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He clearly works better hung over. Asshole.

As we were leaving I realized I was out of it because I saw this...

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And I swore it said "Cookies for Satan." I almost went & bought it when I though it was for Satan.

Of course we went to Target & got a couple very important things.

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Drink shaker & blender.

We're ready for another challenge. And by challenge, I mean ready to drink with others through my netbook. But until then, I dedicate this to my lovely friends. May we all get together in Vegas, bet on our lucky number 13 (it's really lucky, as Adam or Roman Polanski), drink too much, & sing it at some really bad karaoke place.

Oh, & if I never come home Liz murdered me. Creepy internet people.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The other day in my life...

I made this blog a while back...well, I took the pictures. Kinda got sidetracked when Jules had his seizure & I still feel kinda blah, but I figured it was time to share & time to attempt to be funny. Attempt is the key word here...like I said, I'm still kinda blah. And to add to the Jules blah, my lovely husband had his sperm evaluated this week. I've said for a while now that I had a bad feeling about this & sadly most of my "feelings" work out to be true somehow. Anyway, he got the call that there was nothing...nada...zero...I'm out of words that explain nothing. It's been 7 weeks, some people say it can take close to 3 months before sperm is produced, so it's not like it's a loss cause, though it would have been better to see SOMETHING, even bad or dead sperm. Like I said though, there is still a chance it's not a big deal. But me, queen of bad thoughts, kinda feels like it is. Anyway, get it checked again in a couple months, then again at 6 months & then I guess we just see what happens from there.

Sperm...a day in my life. Who would have thought it?

Anyway. This is image heavy. Very image heavy. I'm sorry. But I decided on my way out one day to take my camera to show you around my 'hood. I hope you enjoy it.

This is my lovely house...

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OK, I'll tell you the truth. I took this picture at the end of the day. But still, it looked the same when we left as when we were home. I promise.

This is the neato back of my house...

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My mom wants us to let my dad build about a 10 foot deck off our back door. Nevermind that's where we park our cars, a deck is WAY more important. Yeah. We'll pass, but thanks.

I have very bad yard decorations.

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If you can't tell...I have gnomes. I love gnomes. One of my gnomes is wearing a hula skirt. I would KILL for statues of the dwarfs from Snow White, but I can't find any. Seriously, if anyone reading this knows where I can get some or has some they are willing to sell, PLEASE let me know! I searched everywhere. My husband would hate them...so like I said, please let me know if I can buy yours!

I also have this...

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A really neato dog. It's head bobbles. I'm not sure why there is a rubber hammer beside it though.

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...oh. Well, maybe the dog attacked my cat with it & knocked it's head off? Lovely. That cat is new even! And now it's headless. Dammit.

I've mentioned before we have a flower bed on the street in front of our house & how ugly it is...

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Well, there it is. In all of it's glory. I've tried everything to kill that stuff. My dad even gave us super poison that he swore would kill anything. I think I did permanent chromosome damage to myself using it, but all of that shit lived. Amazing.

Of course...

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...I worry I may have killed some of my neighbors plants with it. Oops.

...

Um. Uh....LOOK THERE!

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CAMO CAT!

But enough about my boring house, lets go out!

As I get in my car I see my lovely cat, Ollie, giving me a death stare.

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He wants to so badly run free...but he's stupid & running free to him means running to the road. He's not a tough cat.

Right down the street from me is this place...

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What is this, you ask? Simple, it's the place you should go if you want to see an armed robbery. Happens at least once a week, so it's bound to happen with you there if you go enough. And that's not even the really bad gas station in town, there are worse!

Here we have a brick building...

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There use to be this pretty church...but then they knocked it down so Marshall University could build this piece of crap. Why? Because college students need a climbing wall! Of course they do, silly me. Think how well off I'd be if my undergrad school had a climbing wall? If your college doesn't have one, you should just quit now, you'll never get anywhere in life. Someone has to be honest with you.

As I'm cruising, I decide to get a picture of Jules to see how he travels...

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I'm one of those paranoid parents who keep their kid rear facing as long as possible, so it doesn't get to see much besides the leather seats. But at least his neck won't be broken in an accident.

As I took a picture of him, I realized my backseat is just not functional. Not only do we have his seat, but on the other side we have this...

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Stuff. Stuff is everywhere. And yes, I mean everywhere.

Like the floorboard....

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Side note...does Little Caesars really have to advertise their Hot & Ready $5 pizza? Isn't that ALL they are known for anyway? Who lives under a rock & doesn't know you can get a pizza there all the time for just $5?

Thankfully, my car does have trash cans.

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Those holes in the doors? Trash cans, my dear friends. What, you use yours for something more important? Like what, your 8 Tracks or something? Get with the times, stuff those places with trash that you're too lazy to clean out. I've cleaned my car out twice that I can remember. Once on December 12, 2007, the day before I had Jules. The second was when I made Adam do it before we drove all the way to NC for his reversal surgery. I'm a mom. My car is mobile storage, nothing more & nothing less.

We finally arrive...

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At the AMAZING post office!

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Doesn't Jules seem happy?

I really like my post office box, too. I can't miss it. Why?

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It's the one directly above the hippy box. Can't you just smell the patchouli from the picture? I bet you can.

I love the post office, mail is the most awesome thing on earth. Sadly...

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I didn't get any mail.

But then I realized I'm married to that guy whose name is on that mail...

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So I open all of it. Screw you, federal offense.

Jules is now happy because he got a toy catalog in the mail.

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Driving along I see this wonderful sticker...

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Um, no creepy serial killer truck driver, I don't want to "screw it & ride," but thanks for the offer.

Getting away from the post office is always a pain in my ass because you get to pull out into one way traffic, while drive over 15 huge pot holes, while trying to look around some huge ass tree.

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Not fun.

But as I sit there & wait, I get to enjoy my new boyfriend...

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That's my new phone. I text like 100 messages a day. Sure, most of them are Facebook, but it makes me feel important. I've sent more text in the past 2 weeks than I ever have in my life combined before I got this glorious phone.

Of course as I wait I also get to enjoy...

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Yes, that's a bar. And yes, it's a Beaver bar. Stop giggling, Neil.

I had to take a picture of my favorite thing ever...
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That's a piece of siding. They are all over town. It's to advertise a yard sell. Nothing says "we are selling EVERYTHING!" like ripping apart your house to make the signs!

After our fun trip to the post office, we head to my moms house.

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Woohoo, Ohio!

And nothing says welcome to Ohio like...

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a sign advertising a funeral home. I have several problems with this. First, do you REALLY need to advertise your services? Really? I mean, it's death something that happens? Do you really need a huge ass billboard? Does anyone pick who to send their loved ones remains to because they saw it on a billboard? "Gee, I'm so sad dad died...hey, did you see that new billboard in town? We should let THEM bury him! They all had matching outfits, they must be good people" People don't say that, sorry. In fact, when we lost Joel I didn't want this place to handle anything because I didn't want to see their sign all the time reminding you "Hi there, we cremated your dead baby! Welcome to Ohio!"

My other problem with the sign is...really...do you need to put your entire family on it? How are those kids at school. "Hey Johnny, we saw you on the billboard in town...do your parents really have an on site crematory?!" Trust me, I've been in school before, that is not how it works. It works like this..."Ewww...I don't want to sit next to Johnny, he's on that death billboard!" So really, you don't need your kids on every advertisement. And I really don't think a funeral home should advertise. But, again, that's just me.

On the way, I also see...

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road workers. This is why we have so much time spent waiting in traffic for road construction. These people can't even find the road to work on it, they are skipping through the tall grass. Great, huh?

On the way to my parents over priced subdivision, this lovely home welcomes you...

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That's where that guy who drives the truck that wants me to ride with him lives I bet.

Of course nothing beats...

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the creepy ass general store. I don't care how much I needed bread, I'm not going somewhere that looks like it should be in the movie "The Hills Have Eyes." Not happening. And yes, it's open.

My parents overpriced subdivision has a hidden road, so I always look for the...

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Pickled egg house to let me know when it's almost time to turn. You can't tell from the picture, but it's serious pickled egg colored.

But hooray!

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We are finally there. I enjoy the slow children playing sign. Of course if a kid is too dumb to stay out of the road, they really are slow.

I was happy to see that my mom had just as much luck with her plants as I did mine...

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Of course the real fun was when I found this...

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Anyone want to take a guess?

The woman who acts like my house is dirty for having toys in the floor had an almost week old bowl of Lucky Charms on her back deck. Yes, seriously. I was so proud when I found that, I'll never let her forget it.

My parents have weird decorating taste. For example...

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they like very expensive trees, like this $250 testicle shrub. What, you don't think it looks like testicles?

I also enjoyed the fact that my dad spray painted some vents or something at their house. Instead of doing it on the grass or something, he does this...

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Uses spray paint on their parking area for one of their garages. But maybe I just like it because...

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I do the same at my house I'll share that story once I'm finished with my bathroom.

It isn't a trip to visit your mom without a good, home cooked meal.

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My moms idea of home cooked it take out. And trust me, if you ever ate her cooking, you'd understand why this is a good idea for everyone involved.

Also while at your parents, you want to visit the one you love. Someone you don't get to see alot, but you know that needs to change.

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Your childhood dog. Star...she's almost 14!

After some time there, being a good wife, you must rush home & have your husbands dinner ready & waiting on him!

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So I went to do that.

Alot of people were cooking for their husbands.

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Of course this Burger King reminds me of all those hot days Adam & I had when we were dating. No, he didn't take me to BK.

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He sold his plasma to take me better places than that!

He also sold it for beer money And rent money. In fact, on our first date, he told a great story about how he'd gone to pay his rent that day...almost 3 weeks late. And I still married him. Yep.

When I get home I present my love a meal...

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that means after I sat Adam's bag down, I fed the cats before they got to his whopper. I slaved too much for them to eat his dinner! I could also tell you I picked up the table, but would you believe me if I said that? If so, pretend I said it. Thanks.

I, being a pig,...

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enjoyed cheesey tots. Yum. I'd never had them until recently & now I love them dearly.

And with that...
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Hammy enjoyed a box.

And I enjoyed being Queen of the Interwebs.

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In my still unfinished bathroom (remember the spray paint?), with my still unfinsihed laundry all around me.

It's good being queen.

I'm going to go out to that gas station now & hope it gets robbed. I'm still trying to get on the news so I can point & tell everyone what I saw.

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