Monday, December 7, 2009

The menacing scarf & other stories from our trip...part #1

Hello, friends. Obviously I've made it home from my trip to Hollywood & Las Vegas.

This is part one of...ummm...I have no idea how many parts there will be. I'll group the stories & pictures as I see fit, because it's my blog & I can do that. This blog will cover our exciting adventure of day one. The longest day known to man kind. The day we fly to Vegas, drive to Hollywood, watch Conan, & explore the streets of Hollywood through the wee hours of the morning.

Our day started at 5:20am. OK, my day started at 5am when I woke up & couldn't go back to sleep after not going to sleep until after 2am in the first place. I turned off the alarm & snuck into the bathroom, hoping to get ready before I got Adam up so he wouldn't awkwardly stare at me while I put my make up on.

Somehow he woke up on his own & came in the bathroom to, you guessed it, stare at me awkwardly while I put my make up on.

It was early. I don't like early or mornings, or well, most anything really. But at least this wasn't as bad as our honeymoon. For our honeymoon we went to Jamaica. I'm sure this is shocking to you, but West Virginia doesn't offer many direct flights, so we had to fly to North Carolina, then to Jamaica. Adam, who had never flown before, read online that for international flights you had to be at the airport 2 hours before flight time. That makes sense...except he argued that even for our flight to NC, we had to be at the airport 2 hours early. He figured since our final stop was international, that's how it must work. We also lived just 10 minutes from the airport at that time, but he wasn't "sure" so he insisted we leave like 45 minutes in advance.

That morning, after a long 12 minute drive to the airport, we got to he airport at 3:15am for a flight to North Carolina at 5:50am. We beat the security people.

Thankfully, he was less worried this time, so we were planning on leaving at 6am for the 20 minute drive to the airport for a 6:50am flight. Much more reasonable.

Adam, of course, insisted on checking the list of stuff over & over again.


See how dark it is outside?! Insanity.

We finally mad our way to the "huge" airport in Huntington. It has 3 whole gates & is about 2000 sq foot. It's great, really great.

So we check in & I get ripped off $10 because the girl working the counter checks both bags under my name, so I'm charged an extra $10 because I'm checking 2 bags, when really we are both just checking one.

We then go to security. Oh, airport security, the joys you bring me.

Everyone working in the Huntington airport takes their job oh so seriously. Like more serious than any other airport I've ever been at in my life. ID's are stared at & examined thoroughly, as if they are just waiting to discover my ID is a fake. If I had a fake ID, I'd have a much better picture. Then we take our shoes off & prepare our things for the lively x-ray machine. Put everything in one of those lovely plastic bins, wait my turn to walk through the metal dector. I walk through, nothing beeps, life is good. Or so I thought. The woman working the metal dector sizes me up, looking me up & down as if I'm wearing a t-shirt that says "I have a bomb" & tells me, "Alright, I need you to take off your scarf, put it through x-ray, & walk back through again." scarf? Really? I find this so funny because I'm allowed to keep my jacket on, which could hide something, but not my scarf. And I'd be more understanding if I'd beeped or something, but I didn't. So I look at her oddly, look at Adam like "you've got to be kidding?" then do as I'm told so I don't get a cavity search instead. The people working the front of the machines are somewhat confused as to why my scarf needs x-rayed, but they do it. I walk through it all again, & I'm still clear. Yay.

Then I look up for my carry on bag. I see several people around the screen, pointing & whispering. I realize my bag is the one in question. The ask me if that's my bag, I confirm it is, then they tell me it's going to be x-rayed even more from various angles. Great. My carry on, which just has travel documents, my medications, & the camera bag in it with another memory card & extra pack of batteries. After more looking, pointing, & concern, a man with lovely blue gloves comes down to me & tells me, "We have selected your bag for additional security screening" which means he's going to search my bag. I'm amused & say alright. He then, in a serious voice, ask..."do you have anything in this bad that is going to stick me?" I kinda laughed & said no, because I'm amused because if I had needles they obviously would have shown up. I wanted to say, "Nah, I left my heroin at home" but there are two things in this world I don't fuck with...airport security & Oprah.

He searches my bag, I collect my scarf & put on my shoes, then I'm free to go. Of course, what was amusing to me is that he didn't even look in my evil camera bag, the only thing that must have shown up weird on the screen.

And before someone lectures me about safety, blah blah blah bullshit, let me explain that I carried the same items through other security check points & didn't have any issues. And my scarf? Not my jacket, but my scarf? Really? And their over the top serious attitudes made them seem like they were just waiting for a call that they've been moved to a real airport for the great work they've done so far. Just amusing as it could be to I stood there without shoes & a scarf.

Finally, it's our turn to go through gate #2 & get on the plane. Here is inside the plane.


Only 18 rows, each row has 3 seats. And it sounds like you're on a lawn mower in the air. Fabulous really.

We land in Cincinnati after along 25 minute flight, then wonder around this huge ass airport to get to the other side of the airport to our next gate. That always happens, we get dropped off on one end & we have to go to the far end from us. Always a good time.

While exploring, I saw this fun sign.


I love cows, cow tipping not so much. And I don't even get the joke. Anyone care to explain it if you're from Ohio?

Next we sat & waited for our plane to, uh, load. What's the word I'm actually looking for? Board. That's it, waiting on our plane to board.



While waiting, I looked around me. I noticed a couple weird looking guys with a hard sided carry on that I decided was a bomb.

I saw another guy with his bags, a nerdy guy, looking really anxious, so I decided he had a gambling problem.

And finally, I didn't see them at first but boy did I hear them. A posse of 6 people, not really sitting with each other, but they were sure together. They were loud & annoying. The really big guy was talking about Wii Fit. Then he & what I assume was his sister talked about their dad developing a drinking problem & they just went on & on about that. Then, to show how they weren't addicted to anything, they all 6 passed around a prescription pill bottle & joked about messed up they'd be on the flight.

I wasn't their dad, but I suddenly understood why he drank.

When we finally boarded I was in for the longest 3 1/2 hours of my life. Even the in flight movie 500 Day of Summer didn't make it any better. It was like the flight that would never end. It wasn't as bad as riding on a lawn mower in the air, but it was sure less comfortable. I don't like to cuddle with strangers...actually, I don't like to cuddle with people I know either, so strangers aren't cool at all. So I decided to do some fun in flight reading. After being tempted to buy something called a "remote controlled tarantula" from their mail order catalog, I decided to review the safety info in case those weirdos did have a bomb. Because, you know, ducking will save me from a bomb. Yeah, sure.

Anyway, first & foremost, the good news is that you are allowed to use your pacemaker through the entire flight.


...really? Like there is another option? In flight surgery to remove it maybe? As much as I has to pay to check bags, I don't want to know how much they'd charge for surgery.

On board you can NOT use...


Your microwave, a lighter, your cell phone from 1987, or your TV from 1995. I know, it's sad, I always carry around my microwave.

But you CAN....


use your CD player from 1994.

In case of a water landing...


your baby will magical float into the air & dance with a water hose.

And if you have to make an emergency exit, because we're all so likely to survive a plane falling from 36,000 feet...


Everyone walk away not freaking the fuck out. And one person should dance off of the wing of the plane.

Oh yeah...


riding on the plane will make it possible for you to create fire with your stare. AWESOME.

Eventually we land.


And it couldn't happen any sooner because I'm suddenly hot & somewhat dizzy. I'm convinced I'm going to pass out a couple times waiting to exit & I say it to Adam, which of course is in hearing range of the people sitting around us. Finally Adam is able to go, therefore I start walking as well. Thankfully, some assholes push out in front of me, one guy actually pushing me back with the left side of his body to be able to jump out in front of me, & both assholes were within hearing distance of my concerns of passing out, so they were really concerned for me. I called him an asshole, but I guess he was use to that because he didn't bat an eye.

And nothing says "you're in Vegas" like...


slot machines in the airport.

No time to enjoy Vegas, of course. We had to jump in the sexy rental car...


Oh yeah, be jealous.

And head to California to see Conan.

The guy renting me the car was kinda annoying. He kept wanting to upgrade us to this or that. I just wanted a car to hit the road, because I had to be checked in by 3:30 in the afternoon to get my seats for Conan.

On the drive, I made the mistake of telling Adam I wanted to use the bathroom. He stopped here.


At the market. I would have taken pictures inside, but I was afraid I'd be murdered so I wanted to get out fast. When we went in, some weird guy with food falling out of his mouth greeted us, then started asking about where he came from & etc. We were convinced we were in The Hills Have Eyes or something. I went to the bathroom, got a coke, & hoped they weren't about to murder me in the desert. That would suck.

We get on our way again & soon enough we're in California. I only know that because we passed through a produce check point. There actually wasn't any sign or anything welcoming us to California. I just guessed really.

On our way through California, I heard something in the glove box.


I was brave, so I opened it to take a peek....



By Vicki & Neil from Canada, I mean we were creepy & printed a picture to take with us for funny pictures. We're weird like that.

Finally we get near Conan's studio & I'm concerned about finding where we are suppose to go because Adam's directions.


Not really a map, he just guessed where he thought gate 3 would be. Of course, a couple nights before we left I caught him looking at this...


Google street view. He was trying to find markers he'd recognize. Great.

Finally, we find a sign!


Adam then parks in a compact car spot, giving me about 9 inches to open my door & get out. Fun.

We start walking & I guess we scream "tourist" because some guy stopped us & asked if we were going to The Tonight Show. He gave us directions to follow the did about 5 other people along the way.

We finally get to where we need to be, get tickets & special wrist bracelets & are told to sit down & wait.

These are the weird guys who did that for us.


The crowd continued to gather.


I look back & see people who look odd eating from something that looks as though they fished it out of a dumpster.


Again, fun.

A 12 year old security guard came out & gave us the rules...bathroom before & not once you are in the studio or you'll have to leave, no pictures or they'll cut your eyes out, don't argue over your seats. Simple enough. The guy was a total prick though, even once we were in the studio a janitor tried to clean the set up & he refused to move, making the guy clean around him instead. He was lame.

We have to clear a security check point, which means bags searched & walking through a metal dectecter. Again, I look evil I suppose because when it was my turn the guy really searched my stuff. Other women, he just looked inside their bags & sent them on. With me, he opened any zipper inside, dug around, & even had me get Adam's glass case out so he could search that as well. Real fun. We get good seats, a good time was had by all. Like I said, if I took my camera out I would have had my eyeballs cut out, so I didn't get any pictures. Of course, now I'm thinking I should have. Before they started the show a guy said "put cameras away now" & people were still using the bathroom up until Conan came out, which was also suppose to be totally against the rules, but oh well.

I took a picture on the way back to the car.


Neato, huh?

After that adventure, we checked into our hotel.


That featured.....


a Pulp Fiction poster. Nice.

Then we met up with Liz, the person I've known about 10 years but never met until then.


I swear I'm not a huge giant, I just hang out with small people.

I also saw...


a Hello Kitty store!

And Adam, well...


He let his feelings be known for Star Trek.

But he sure does love some Star Wars...


As that is the only picture he took as we wondered the streets of Hollywood.

Liz soon left us, planning to meet us in Vegas on Wednesday, so we explored a bit. I saw the Ripley's Museum & was kinda interested & we were lucky enough to get a deal where we also got free admittance into the BEST wax museum EVER. I'll get to that soon though, I promise.

First, Adam tried to turn into a child by recreating Big...


Then I saw a mirror so I decided it was a picture opportunity.


I then got to see a cow who couldn't run away from me, even with the help of a 5th leg...


Yay, cow! By yay, I mean kinda creepy but that's alright.

Adam enjoyed the shadow capture thingy...


That's my jacket, not a really droopy boob, I swear. It kinda looks like he's trying to catch my sad boob.

Then we left, or tried to...


I kinda panicked in the weird revolving door, I was just waiting to get trapped & murdered.

Then Adam gained about 500lbs...


Then, finally, I shrunk to a normal human being size...


We finally get to the most epic wax museum ever. Why is it epic? Because it's that bad. Really.

Do you want this Spiderman to save you?


Oh, sorry, he can't, he's too stoned right now.

I love Lucy. Alot. But I was scared a bit.


Not sure why? Well, look again.


Aren't you scared, too?

Speaking of scared, I still have my fear of Freddy Kruger.


Seriously, I'm still waiting for him to come kill me in a dream. I'm also waiting for Chuckie from Childs Play to come out of my heating vents like I feared as a child, so maybe I just have issues.

But not nearly as many issues as the man I love & know as Rocky...


Dude, seriously, what happened to Sylvester?

Of course, whatever happened to him also happened to Chuck Norris.


I finally felt at home when I found...


Actually, I've never seen that show in my life. Sorry to spoil your thought on what us people in West Virgina watch.

But no worries, your heart will go on...


But if Leonardo DiCaprio looked like that, his career sure wouldn't.

I moved from that to some kick ass moves with Charlies Angels...


Yeah, that's my best move. I'm pregnant & out of shape, plus tired, give me a break.

I then took a picture to make my parents love me...


Yeah, I've never seen that show either, but they sure love it. This will impress them greatly.

I finally told Adam he needed to get in some pictures or it would look like I left him at home. I found something he'd love...


He was so happy, can't you tell?

And then I thought this was a sure bet...


But he seemed to just mock it. :(

Get use to that expression of his, you're going to see it in just about every picture of him I took. What a hoot he seemed to have, huh?

Anyway, at the end of that adventure we walked back to our hotel, showered, & went to sleep. We tried to watch Conan, but I went to sleep during the first guest. Oops.

That, my friends, was day one of our epic adventure.

In the next adventure, you will see day 2. Our trip to the LA Zoo, the story of my blisters, & see the hotel we stayed at & that fun check in process, as well as our first night in Vegas. Following that, you'll see our next couple days in Vegas & not getting murdered by internet friends Liz & Preston. Included in that blog is Liz's stolen car, animal abuse, & The Price is Right. Oh, & boobs. Can't go to Vegas without boobs.


  1. I eagerly await future posts. You did have a long day that day.

  2. I am ready for the next post now. And I REALLY want to go to that wax museum now.

  3. This was so fun!!! :) I am from Ohio so maybe I can enlighten you on the cow thing. As a prank, youngsters will go out into the fields and tip over the cows. It's kinda like people who go toilet papering. We do that too though, just to let you know. I will say I have never tipped a cow. I know people who have.

  4. Cow tipping sounds so cruel! Yikes!

    A very entertaining post, Jess. I must say, I have lived in CA all my life and have never done one of those things. The Tonight Show used to be in my back yard and I never made it to a show. I do regret it now. Can't wait to hear about the rest of your trip.

    Did Joel's butterflies arrive?

  5. I have cowtipped before... :( ::hands head in shame::

  6. I must have been super drunk, I don't remember the trip at all. Did I have fun?

    I like Tara have tipped cows before, I feel no shame though, no cows were hurt during my tipping days.



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