I'm an idiot & last night when I started this post, I accidentally hit enter instead of tab, so I didn't type anything. Like I said, I'm an idiot. So let's try this again.
A new found friend of mine, Bree, mentioned to me today that I hadn't updated about Piccadilly lately. I hadn't really thought about it, but I haven't. Since Bree is a very nice woman who makes butterflies for babies & their parents, I figured she deserved a shout out (Hi, Bree!) & I should take her advice & update about Piccadilly.
I'm knocked up. I have almost constant headaches, which with each pregnancy I've been blessed with the entire first trimester. Had been having some problems sleep, but that's been doing a tad bit better. I will officially be 10 weeks on Thanksgiving. Very odd...this pregnancy is going by at a snails pace. I seem to have blocked out every pregnancy, but I can kinda remember my pregnancy with Joel not going this slow. Hopefully after we get through these holidays the time will pass a bit faster. I'm hoping once I get past things I'm looking forward to otherwise, like Jules birthday, our Vegas trip, & Adam getting a couple weeks off for Christmas, time will move a bit faster. At least that'd what I'm going to tell myself. I don't go back to the doctor until the 8th, at that point they are going to set up another ultrasound so I can peak at Piccadilly some more. I'll be around 12 weeks for that scan I'm guessing. Then about 4 weeks after that, I'm planning on making a road trip to Kentucky for one of those elective ultrasounds.
Let me explain. I never got the point of those things. Then I got pregnant with Joel. We had such an issue with the ultrasound people & I regret it now that I don't have him. When I thought I'd have him, it didn't matter much. They never really gave us pictures, I think we have 4 total. The first DVD we bought wasn't formatted correctly, so it didn't work. The tape from the last scan, when they didn't let Adam in the room with me to see the baby, didn't turn out either. So we were basically left with very little proof that he was ever in my uterus. So this time, I'm getting all I can. This involves a 90 minute trip to the closest "Fetal Photography" place, called Lexington Fetal Photography. I figure on popping for the $170 package to get all the pictures, CD, etc. Doing this at 16 weeks because I think it's awesome to see babies all on the screen together (much bigger & you can't see the entire baby), plus at 16 weeks they can tell me the sex. At least we hope. My doctor doesn't the "big" scan around 20 weeks. I am far too impatient for that though. And with what we've been through, I think we're allowed to be insane parents. My doctors office also had 4D machines, depending on if they will do one later in my pregnancy, we may end up going back around 28 weeks for those cute, yet creepy, 4d pictures at that fetal photography place. It's $100 for any future visits.
...I know, it's an overpriced rip off. But if anything were to happen, which I don't really think it will but who ever does, I'd regret not getting something like I still do with Joel.
I'd been kicking around an idea to do something, have a symbol for all of our kids. I thought about my tacky yard flower I'd bought last month at a craft show. In case you missed it...
There it is, in all it's glory. Tacky, but I like it.
Anyway, the guy was really nice & gave me his card with his contact info if I'd ever want to buy anymore or if I'd like him to make something special. I thought about contacting him & getting something like above made, with flowers the colors of the kids birthstones. He also makes things like butterflies & such, so I considered getting Joel's birthstone made into a butterfly. Just one of those random thoughts I think as I'm driving home from the store.
Holidays are coming up. I use to love Christmas...not so much anymore. Last year sucked because of family drama. This is is going to suck because of family drama & that whole dead baby thing. What are suppose to be "first" whatever, are still first but not in a good way. No buying babys first Christmas outfit, instead I get to think about how it's the first Christmas since he died.
Tonight I was looking through my old myspace blog, seeing if there was anything I wanted to mention. In looking back, I went to the first post I made when I found out I was pregnant with Joel. It finally dawned on me that it reads like so many of those other blogs I've read over the past few months read. I've started following many stories in these past few months, sometimes I wonder why I torture myself reading the details of the sadness of others when I have my own to deal with. I'd even go back to the start of some stories, reading about the pregnancy, the diagnosis of whatever issue, & then the losses that happened. It broke my heart each time. But I have the same thing in my old blog. An announcement, then random pregnancy mentions, then a possible problem, then something hopeful, then the announcement of his death. And then several post about funerals & arrangements. It's weird reading those things now, it seems like another person wrote them. It doesn't feel like it's my life I'm looking back on.
I started this last night, but felt like crap so I stopped. Today is a new day. I felt better, but not so great anymore.
It's come to my attention that my husbands family has pictures of Jules on their various networking site profiles. Oh yeah, did I mention they are pictures taken at Joels funeral? That you can see people standing in the background around his urn? I didn't realize they were taking pictures like it was a fucking family reunion until the end or I would have stopped it. I never even wanted to see those pictures, but to know people have them out there with cute little captions while my sons urns is in the background? Shitty.
But back to what I was going to write.
Christmas is coming up & I recently purchased this:
It's an ornament for Joel. Figure Jules gets one every year, Joel deserves one for his birth year. So there it is. Didn't seem right to ignore him, though I'm sure for some people it may be odd. My mom still has a disconnect. Again, she's really sad over Joel dying, but she's got a weird line of thinking when it comes to dead babies. My cousin got married back in August. On their programs, they had a section of "in memory" for my cousins father, as well as two sons of his new wife. I have an aunt who doesn't have much tact, so she went around the reception asking until someone explained they were stillborn a few years ago, twin boys. When I told my mom about it, the point of the story being that I couldn't believe my aunt went around asking people about the brides dead children, my mom instead with responded with, "well they didn't belong on there anyway!" after I explained they were stillborn a few years ago. My mother, having a bit of sense on that day, wouldn't go any further with the conversation when I asked her why she thought that, realizing what she had said. I went ahead & finished my thought though, that if she wanted us to know about them & remember them, she had every right to have them listed there. So again, I think my moms thought is that while his death counts, his life doesn't. That's a common thought I'm finding sadly.
But back to the ornament. I'm sure if she notices it she'll be confused about why we have a new baby ornament, but we can hope that she at least has enough sense to not ask about it. Hopefully she'll just get that awkward look on her face & not have anything to say. That'd be best. I'd hate to have a throw down over Christmas. But trust me, if I need to, I will.
And as usual, we adopted a couple gifts from the angel tree. If you aren't familiar, it's something in our area the Salvation Army does every Christmas. They list needy children along with their toy request & clothing sizes, they hang on trees in various shopping locations, you buy the stuff & donate it. It get delivered on Christmas Eve. I started doing one every year about mid-way through college. I was just looking one day close to the cut off day, because there are always kids left sadly, & I found a little girl named Carla who was 12 & all she wanted was a hairdryer & a hairbrush. I about cried on the spot, just because I'd seen before kids wanting video games & other expensive items, but here was a kid asking for just basic hygiene items. I like to think I made her happy on Christmas. So every year sense, I've looked on trees & try to finder older kids, since they are usually the last picked, & kids who want something simple. I like to go over the top for those kids, just because. Since shacking up with Adam I got him doing one as well. He isn't as picky as me, he just gets a kid who wants superhero stuff normally. Which is fine by me. This year I'd looked a couple places but couldn't find anyone who wanted anything other than Playstation games or Wii games. But finally, while at the mall, we found a couple kids to buy for this year.
I picked Bentley. I suggested Braylon to Adam. I had a new rule this year...I picked a 7 & 8 month old. Do the math...May to December is 7 months. Yeah. I figure since I was suppose to buying those toys & sizes, I still could & I could get them to kids who need them. Mind you, if I'd found some 12 year old in need of a hairbrush again I would have picked that instead. But there were no flat out sad request, so I felt alright getting those age groups this year.
So, as my public service message for the day, go get an angel off the angel tree. Or whatever you have in your area. Or just donate a couple toys. Kids should have good a Christmas no matter what. It makes me feel like less of a crappy person if I help just a couple kids have a good Christmas. It'll make you feel less like crap, too.
I will now go try to fight off this headache...yet again. I hope you enjoyed my random thoughts & notes about my life.