Saturday, October 24, 2009

Someone do me a huge favor.

Someone tell me this baby won't die.

I keep reliving that whole "there isn't a heartbeat" moment, only now I relive it in that little ultrasound room at the doctors office I'm using on the 2nd.

I guess your last memories of dopplers & ultrasounds showing nothing but death don't really make you very optimistic for the future.

I suddenly hate that we've told people. Not that I don't want them to know if we lose another baby...I just don't want to give people more proof that my uterus is spoiled.

Oh, the joys of fear. Here I am with something the size of a pea inside of me & I'm already scared, thinking too far ahead, & trying to make decisions from simple to huge. My mind races anyway, this hasn't helped it to calm down. I'm hoping that after the ultrasound I'll be better. I've never been worried about "viability" before, but now I'm suddenly scared since I know babies can die, even my babies. I know once I see Piccadilly is there, growing, & has a beating heart I'll be alright. You know, until the anatomy scan that tells us for sure if our baby is alright or not. I'm planning on making a list & having Adam check off everything they find & label, just so we can know he/she has all her parts. Not looking for fingers & toes, I'm looking for kidneys & other organs. And after that, I'll be alright again. Until the 3rd trimester. But that's a whole other story obviously.

I lie. I really won't be alright until baby is born & crying. But I can get by easier if I know I can start putting my eggs in this basket. Part of me is still trying to pretend it's not real until I know for a fact it is real. And by real, I mean safe.

A very kind person contact me last week & offered to send me their digital doppler. Very awesome of them, they saw I mentioned I was going to get one, they already had one & asked to be able to send it to me. I offered to pay for it, but they didn't respond to that comment, only that they'd be sending it out in a few days. So this is my official shout out & thank you to Sara. I appreciate your kindness & understanding my paranoia. I'll think of you every time I use it & feel better about going about my day knowing Piccadilly is alright. Thanks for the peace of mine, my husband & I will both needs it some days.

Oh, & this is my thank you shout out to all the kind people who've emailed me & left comments in the past couple weeks. I appreciate it all very much.

Nice people DO exist in this world, don't give up hope of those few people. They can show up randomly & they can be total strangers. Actually, I've found strangers to be more awesome than even family sometimes. So be nice to strangers, you never know, they could be there for you one day. And sometimes, because of what those strangers have been through, they know how you feel & what you think more than your best friend or family can. I know that personally, I'm thankful for those strangers. I hate any of us have this thing that binds us together, but know I'm thankful for you.

Now. Tell me everything will be alright. Thanks.

10 comments:

  1. In my heart, I truly think and hope that everything will be all right.

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  2. I hope in the deepest parts of my heart that everything will be all right. Breathe and try to stay busy so that hopefully soon you will be saying, what 20 weeks already.

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  3. Picadilly will be alright. =]

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  4. A woman I worked with knew a woman who lost her baby at 40 wks. She went on to have twins. It will be okay.

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  5. Hey Jessi, how early do those dopplers work? I think I need to get me one! I hope that we both have a happy and healthy 9 months and beyond!!

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  6. Thank you everyone. :)

    Kimberly, it's advertised that they can work as early as 8-10 weeks I believe. I remember with Jules we heard it at 11 weeks & with Joel I was about 12 weeks.

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  7. I always ask Neil these types of questions and Neil says Piccadilly will be keeping you awake for years to come.

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  8. Everything will be ok! I lost my first born when he was an infant and was terrified of losing my next baby. I'm happy to report I have had two healthy kids since I lost Chris! I used to try to convince myself that they would die too, to prepare myself, I expected it to happen. But here they are, 4 years old and 9 months old. No amount of reassurance will stop the fear, but hopefully it will help a bit. ((Hugs)) and here's to a healthy pg and baby!

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  9. You people rock. :)

    Yes, I said you people rock. Pretend it's like 1995 & that's cool to say.

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  10. *hugs* I'll be praying and thinking of you.

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