Monday, October 19, 2009

I wish my uterus had rabies.

I'm just going to try to come up with the weirdest titles from here on I think.

I had a dream last night, one that has bothered me all day.

No, not the one about Adam having an affair (that asshole). This was a new one.

I was pregnant & ready to deliver. For some reason I was on the phone with a nurse, somewhere, & we were talking about inductions & what happened last time around. I then spent about 15 minutes straight in my dream arguing with the woman that I didn't kill Joel. She even went as far as to say, "we know what you say, but we know the truth." Just on & on, back & forth.

There was talk of horse racing before the dead baby talk, so obviously I don't hold much validity to the dream.

But it makes me think...how many people think I killed my baby?

The nurse last week didn't make me feel very good. Asking if I knew he wouldn't be "viable" ahead of time wasn't comforting. Well, not asking, assuming that we did. Of course that makes me angry because he was "viable." Someone screwed up though.

By the way, who the hell makes these terms up? Fetal demise? Miscarriage? Non-viable? And lets not forget incompatible with life. I mean seriously, do these words help those in the medical community detach from the emotions involved? Allow me to translate these words for you:

Fetal Demise: Your baby died.

Miscarriage: Your baby died.

Non-viable: Your baby is going to die or has died & we should have known it was going to happen all along. Oops.

Incompatible with Life: Your baby is going to die.

All of those phrases above mean whatever applies above will be written on your chart & you're going to cry. Alot. The people who loved your "fetus," otherwise known as child, will also cry. The father you've only seen cry one single tear in this lifetime & that was at his brothers wake will lock himself in his garage for hours after he's told his daughter is being induced with her dead son & bring his own tissues to the hospital when he views said baby the next day. These medical terms, while I get the need for them, shouldn't be used with us general public in my opinion. To hear or see my son called a fetal demise or a miscarriage takes away everything I went through to bring him into this world. Does the same for all the other parents as well.

Anyway, back to my inner thoughts for tonight.

In searching for a reason, which everyone in this world does, alot of times it comes back onto us, the moms. I understand it, I really do, it makes perfect sense. But it's still painful.

When I went to the hospital to confirm that Joel had died, as the med student did the ultrasound the resident went down her laundry list of things I could have done to make my baby die. She did it in a way that it wasn't offensive & I understand why she asked, but it just reminds me that the inital reaction is "what could she have done or had to cause this?

Did I drink? Did I do any drugs? Did I have high blood pressure? How about diabetes? Did I smoke? C-sections? Any gushes of fluid? And how about smoking...did I smoke? Drink? Do drugs? Have prenatal care? Get abducted by aliens?

She was looking for that one thing, the thing that they could say "THAT!" & have an answer for this. Because see, babies shouldn't just die. That is one of the only things I agree with the medical community about. There has to be a reason for our children to die, it can't just happen. No one just dies without cause, unless you count old age, but that obviously isn't an issue with a baby. There has to be a reason this tragedy happened. Something happened, something caused this to occur.

But you see, I did everything I was suppose to do. I didn't do anything I wasn't suppose to do. My baby died anyway.

If I did everything perfectly, how will I keep this baby alive?

On top of that, no one else knows everything I did or what I didn't do. I wonder how many people find out that my son died at 40 weeks & think "oh, wonder what she did!" I wonder if maybe that's why people give us the "oh god, you're doing it again?!" looks when they find out I'm pregnant again. Maybe they are thinking my spoiled uterus shouldn't have more babies.

Kinda like in the movie Pet Sematary. In case you've not seen it, animals & humans die, get buried in an old burial ground which has powers to bring the dead back to life.

But, like any good horror movie, it can't just end happy with a guy bringing his daughters cat back to life so she doesn't have to learn about the pain of death. See, the ground is "spoiled" you find out, things don't come back like they should, they come back evil. And, of course, the guy doesn't just learn from the cat. He goes on to bury loved ones, who in turn come back evil & murderous. Each time the result turns out bad, he's got an excuse as to why it happened, cats are different than people, the people had been dead too long, etc.. But, no matter what, the results are always the same...evil came from the spoiled burial ground.

Oh yeah, I don't suggest watching it if you don't like to see kids die. It never bothered me before, but now as the parent of a dead son I think I'll pass on every watching it again.

Anyway, I had a dead baby, maybe that's the sign that my uterus is spoiled & only evil will come out of it. And not just like my inlaws think I bring nothing but evil onto the world. I wonder if maybe, just maybe, people think I shouldn't be pregnant again. I mean, didn't I learn my lesson last time around? And even if I should, is now really the right time? I mean, it's not even been 5 months yet. Should my evil uterus have time to repair itself, if possible? Maybe I'm full of excuses as to why it didn't work out last time around & maybe really it's my Pet Sematary uterus.

I know for a fact I didn't do anything...but I'd like something 100% concrete I can blame, not just speculate about. But, like most other dead baby moms, I'll never get anything 100%. Doesn't change my hopes though. Even if it could be proven all my fault, at least it'd be an answer. At least I could be mad at myself &, hopefully, prevent it this time.

It's been a week since I found a 2nd line on that test. And here I sit comparing my uterus to some Stephen King movie. It could be worse I guess, I could compare to uterus to Cujo. I don't think that would be very good either. Of course I'd be more than happy to have a Cujo uterus if I could be guaranteed a healthy baby in 35 weeks.

This is going to be the most epically long pregnancy ever.

4 comments:

  1. Hi there. I randomly came across your blog. I could have written this post word for word. In May of 2007, I delivered a silent baby at 23w2d. To this day I do not know what caused it and have come to live with the fact that I probably never will. A bit of hope for you though: In April 2008, I became the very proud mommy of now 18 month old Masen. It can happen. Don't give up yet!

    Love, Prayers, and Best Wishes

    Amanda

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  2. Please, you're going to rock this pregnancy. Picadilly will be okay.

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  3. You are going to rock this pregnancy. Picadilly will be okay.

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  4. Jess, you have your beautiful Jules which is proof positive you can carry a beautiful healthy baby to term. *hugs* Just think positive.

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