Sunday, September 13, 2009

It's been a year.

It's past midnight, but since I've not slept I can still consider it September 12th.

It was this day in 2008 when I took a pregnancy test, joked about it, thinking it wouldn't come up positive. Then I freaked out for the next few hours when that 2nd line popped up. I took the other test, it also had a 2nd line. For the rest of the night, I carried them around. They sat in my living room in the box for about 3 weeks after that. I checked them every day, just in case.

In a year...

People showed their true colors

I lost every bit of faith in doctors

I've cried more than I thought possible

I've become scared to death of pregnancy, because I know how it can turn out

I created a cow nursery

I planned my first funeral

I gave birth to another little boy

I sent a little boy to the morgue

My husband stood up to his family

His family didn't take to it very well

I'm never speaking to those people again

I've found a passion in something I wish I never went though

I've tried to be a better person

I've taken zoloft

My husband had a vasectomy

My husband had a vasectomy reversal

I'm pretty sure I've not threatened Adam with a divorce...cutting his family out did wonders for that

I've learned out to refinish stairs

We've hung a TV on our wall

We've adopted way too many cats

We've started grad school

Jules has taken a liking to his grandparents, very much so

I've started to, hopefully, make a difference for families out there who have to follow in our sad footsteps

I've lost my faith in a lot of people

I've gained faith in a lot of people, including myself

I've decided that, no matter what, that guy I married really is stuck with me

In the next year...

I'll continue to miss my son. But that isn't just in the next year, that's really my lifetime. Our lifetime.

I still know, everyday, that we'll be alright. I just hate that we have to be alright.

And now, we are officially trying to get pregnant again. Because, you know, we don't have enough on our plate as it is.

But hey, we've never been the ones to take it slow or be totally prepared for anything & everything. Why start those silly things now?

My good friends & family have stuck through this with us, & for that I am thankful. I hope they continue to do it because no matter what, I do need them to be there. Zoloft can only do so much you know.


  1. You get a maternity session when you get pregnant! If you want anyways, I'd love to have some for my portfolio :)

  2. Its truely amazing what changes in one year especially when someone looses a child. The experiance itself changes you as a person. *hugs* Jess.



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