Monday, September 28, 2009

Get your fingers out of it.

Friends. Have any of those? I do. But you know who my oldest & dearest friend is? Liz.

Liz lives in California. We're married (long story, involves a Warrent song & booze though).

I have other friends, too!

Like Neil & Vicki.

They live in Canada. Canada is fucking weird. But these Canadians aren't fucking weird...well, they are I guess, but not in that weird Canada way.

And yeah, I've got more. Before you ask "hey weird lady, don't you have friend in your same zip code or something.", I don't think I do. I mean yeah, I've got friends way more close than Canada, so don't think I'm THAT lame, but I find myself spending more time with people like Liz & Canadians than some friends I have closer.

Now, in case you're wondering how I know so many people across this great land, I haven't been traveling all my life or anything like that. I visit with all of these people in my living room, thanks to Comcast & the internet. These are people I've met on the internet.

...yeah, I know. People on the internet are serial killers. You should NEVER meet anyone on the internet. NEVER! Know what will happen if you do?

You get MARRIED.


That shocked look was real.

Adam & I met through the internet. And not at a dating site, I have way too much pride for those things. Many, many, many years ago, before I was even old enough to drink or vote, I was on a message board. I left that message board years & years ago, but remained in contact with people from it. One night, another interweb friend sent me a message asking where I lived...the rest was history. For those of you who don't know that story allow me to share with you a quick run down. Other people from West Virgina came to said message board, knowing for years I joked about being the only person in WV with the internet this was amazing, I ended up talking to one of those weirdos (that is a whole other, epic funny story, but only if you know everyone involved, so I'll spare you). Talking to that weirdo turned into talking to another weirdo, which turned out to be that guy I married. He lived about an hour away from me, but of course I didn't meet him. Internet people are scary & will kill you.

Well, 4 years later & now 2 hours away from where I lived, we met. About 4 months later I was moving in with him, 3 months later we were engaged, 6 months later we were married, & on the honeymoon we made Jules. Others saw us moving at the speed of light, but really, it wasn't. We knew all of those awful things about each other for years. He knew how big of a slut I was & I knew he was an asshole (he once complained about a girl he was dating saying he was "use to having sex with prettier girls" only assholes say that!). We had the most solid relationship before we met in person than I'd ever had with anyone else, even after years of dating. Scary really.

But anyway, enough about that asshole who lucked out by having me marry him. Let's talk about other people.

It's weird, people I've never met know me better than many people I've known in "real life" for equal amounts of time. I've never fought with these people. I've never done anything but laugh at things these people have said to me. I've managed to luck out & find people like me, who get me. Sadly, they live all over the place.

Now, I know what you're thinking. How on earth can any meaningful relationships come from people on the internet? It's amazing really. Most of these people have been with me through everything & anything. Boys, kids, school, friends...the works. And they've been amazing. One of the first people I told about losing Joel (actually, the first), was Liz. When he was born, I let her know that as well. I wanted to get online & let people know, because people cared & I thought they all deserved to know. Liz was the first person to send flowers. These are some of the few friendships where I feel like the other people actually take part in it...I don't have to hunt them down or find out everything for them, they do it themselves because they want to do it. They say things because they want to. These people have no obligations to me, but they still do it. That makes me feel warm & fuzzy inside because I'm lame like that.

Plus I appreciate that they aren't cry babies & get a joke. Neil & I joked a couple weeks ago that we should be swingers, I could blog about my experience with him & maybe Vicki could train Adam to put up his dirty socks. It was an enjoyable exchange. If I'd done this with some people in real life I would have been told "grrr...leave my man alone, bitch." Think I'm kidding, that people can't be that dumb? I once got bitched at because I was throwing beach balls at a friends boyfriend. It meant I wanted him. If you saw this guy, you'd know why I cringed when she said that to me. But Vicki knows that I have enough annoying man in my life already, I need no others. Even the crazy things we talk about or suggest are taken with humor, I'm not worried about being nitpicked which is quite nice. It's not my fault that these people live far away, really it just shows how many people in Huntington suck.

There have been times I've cried for these people. And I know they've had the same. There have been times I've been so happy for these people, again, I know they've had the same. There have been times I would have jumped on a plane if it came to it. Vicki & Neil had a new baby, Tyler, a few weeks ago & he had some troubles & spent some time in the NICU. I was getting updates through his delivery, then updates on his condition from Liz. I would then pass those along to Adam because he feels like I do. When I heard there were complications, I was sitting on my couch & thought "we have to do something for them." Liz agreed. I sent Adam an email telling him about it all & on his own he called & left me a message also saying "there has to be something we can help with for them." So yeah, it's what we do.

We had a similar situation a few months ago as well. Te same day we found out we'd lost Joel, I'd been online & saw that another interweb friend, Dawn, was dealing with her own ordeal. Her son, Timmy, had an accident & we were just hearing about it. That afternoon Adam & I sat in our living room saying we needed to figure out something to do for them & we didn't even, then, know what had happened. On the drive to our prenatal visit that day Adam was snoozing in the backseat with Jules & I was driving & couldn't stop thinking about Dawn & her son. As I drove & thought about him, I felt Joel move for the last time. He's improved greatly since the original diagnosis, so now I like to think that maybe that was Joel's way of telling me things would be better for them. I like to think my boy has some connections & can help miracles. I can't say I believe in a God since everything has happened, but I do believe in miracles & good things happened. And I hope that continues to happy for Timmy & his family. I think about them everyday, which is a whole lot since they are just interweb people.

I said earlier I'd jump on a plane if I needed to & we're finally doing that. We're planning a meeting of serial killers this winter. We're flying out to California & going to Vegas as well. We're going to meet people we've known for years...Liz, her husband, Dawn & her daughter Jessie (fine name, don't you think?), & maybe more people. We're even trying to bribe Vicki & Neal into it. And I'm looking forward to it as much as I was looking forward to meeting Adam.

Hopefully none of them will try to get in my pants like he did.

Another reason to go is that I'd like to go to California before it falls off into the ocean. It's going to happen people, get out while you still can!

But until then, we have the internet. And not only do we have the internet, we have a wii. And Mario Kart.

I don't know how much you know about Mario Kart (depending on much of a life you have), but you can race with people anywhere, including your interweb friends. So yesterday, after 4 hours of driving & even less sleep, we had a hot date to get back home for. That's right, friends, we had a Mario Kart date.

Now, I just started grad school. I drive 2 hours to a class on Friday night until almost 9pm, then drive home 2 hours. I then get up & out of the house by 7am the next day & don't get home until 5pm. It was also a rough day baby wise. Hearing news of newly pregnant people is nice, but it's also painful for obvious reasons. So once the tears were dry we went to dinner, where I had fabulous margaritas. I only had 2, but lack of sleep & not drinking for a few weeks made them strong. By the 2nd drink, I was talking slowlyyyyyyyyyy. And I was also texting Liz to find out if we were on, as well as exchanging messages with Neil. I found myself at the Kroger, walking in with my phone out, whimpering "why won't Neil talk to think he's OKKKKKKKKKKKKK?"

I also dropped my purse & wondered around lost until Adam held my hand to make sure me, the crazy person, didn't get lost. I eventually found the bakery section & saw CUPCAKES. I think baby jesus invited cupcakes, but sadly I couldn't find any I wanted. I did find donut holes though. On the way home I text Liz to let her know that I think Adam is driving sssssslllllllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Basically, I was acting like the guy behind us at the booze store who was bitching that they were taking too long & he wanted his beer like now. I imagine he was like me in his younger years, wondering around the cupcake section.

We get home & get everything set up. Being losers, we also set up our netbook in order to be able to talk to Liz, Preston, Neil, & Vicki. We had to enjoy each others witty banter. Like when we first got home & I was trying to get Adam to make me a drink & I end up screaming for him to get his finger out of it (it being the food processor, you perverts). I also appreciated Liz's I was losing my words to tell Adam to use the food processor, I just talked about "that thing that does things." Being amazing, she knew exactly what I was talking about & told him for me.

Adam, being a drunk, got drunk. I, being a bitch, told them all embarrassing stories Adam had told me in confidence. If you're curious, go over to his blog & ask him about the girl in the hoodie he was suppose to take a blow job from years ago so his fat friend could get laid. We all laughed & laughed at his misery.

But the important thing here was...


That's right, joining friends.

Hi, Neil!


There he is.

Oh, hi Liz!


Hey Liz, I've always wondered, why do you look so pale?! Seriously, even I don't look that pale & I actually am that pale.

Anyway, we may have still been drinking. Maybe.


Yeah, just maybe.

What do you do on a Saturday night? Drink with friends? Don't think we're losers, we're doing that, too. We are just WAY cooler because we're drinking with international people. And by international I mean California. Liz is a vegan, how much more foreign can you get?

Anyway, in between Liz's husband kicking our asses & Adam bitching at me because Neil & Preston are allowed to smoke, we discussed very important things. Like Beaver. It's a town here in West Virginia & if you can't figure out why it's funny, let me show you a picture...


If you don't find humor in that, why the hell are you here? That's about as funny as I am on any given moment, so you should just leave now if that wasn't amusing to you.

I knew Adam had too much to drink when he actually did think it was a good idea to stand close to the TV while we raced on trippy "Rainbow Road."


I knew he'd really had too much to drink when he screamed like a girl & ran away from the screen talking about how trippy it was.

Then like any good drunk he decided it was time for sushi.


...I don't know. I was busy looking at cupcakes when he got that. Speaking of cupcakes that turned to donuts...


Those are my donut holes he kept stealing from me because he's a meanie. Please note they are Krispy Kreme, which he claims not to care for.

Macy obviously didn't care to get involved in the madness.


Of course, as the night progressed you could tell who was drinking more than others by who was winning...


I'd stopped drinking because of a headache. Don't be fooled by Adam's great score, he's just use to driving really drunk. And Vicki...well...she just loses alot. :( But...


she came in 2nd once! Yay, Vicki! I also won a couple times & it made me so happy I almost didn't take my medication that night! Of course over this 5-6 hour even, Adam eventually went crazy.


Please note his shirt. He put it on just for all of these people. That's right, he got dressed up for them. With me, he just wears whatever is on top of the pile.

But after several hours we finally gave into our real lives & went to do whatever we had to do. The next day, hungover, Adam & I went to Crackle Barrel. This place has these dorky peg puzzle things where the goal is to jump all of them & clear them all off. It's hard.


Of course, it's worse when Adam can't take a picture & I get annoyed.


I failed every time so finally I quit & just threatened to throw it.


I can't believe Marty kept fucking me up like that.

But Adam...


He clearly works better hung over. Asshole.

As we were leaving I realized I was out of it because I saw this...


And I swore it said "Cookies for Satan." I almost went & bought it when I though it was for Satan.

Of course we went to Target & got a couple very important things.


Drink shaker & blender.

We're ready for another challenge. And by challenge, I mean ready to drink with others through my netbook. But until then, I dedicate this to my lovely friends. May we all get together in Vegas, bet on our lucky number 13 (it's really lucky, as Adam or Roman Polanski), drink too much, & sing it at some really bad karaoke place.

Oh, & if I never come home Liz murdered me. Creepy internet people.


  1. Internet people aren't creepy....I met my honey on the internet as well. :)

  2. 1. grrr...steal my man away please pretty please with a cherry on top, bitch

    2. You look amazing in that wedding picture, lady.

    3. I'm totally going to steal Adams standing in front of the tv technique next time.

    4. Adam looked very pretty for our play date

    5. Where ever you go whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you... I've already watched the video twice.

  3. OMG...what is up with Beaver? I was laughing so hard and secondly what is up with all these places using beaver in there business name! LMAO....i know i am perverted but oh you said if you dont find that funny then something is definately wrong with them!!!

  4. Of course I don't really think internet people are creepy...they are my main source of social interaction that doesn't involve me wanting to smack people. :)

    I was very happy I was able to easily find a picture of the Beaver Bath. That was always amusing to me.


    1. No, & you can't make me. Bitch.

    2. Thank you. We should see your wedding pictures!

    3. Even if it doesn't help you, it's apparently like an acid trip, so it should be fun.

    4. Are you trying to steal my man now?! Please say yes.

    5. Are you going to be waiting for me...IN VEGAS?!

    Can you tell how hopeful I am?

  5. 1. Seriously take me.

    2. I can't believe youi didn't get a picture of the only win I got.

    3. Wanna take a Beaver bath?

    4. I want Sushi

    5. I'm in love with your voice, you have the awesomest accent.

    6. As if the Arby's wasn't enough, you had to bring up Cracker Barrel?

    7. Lists are fun

    8. We must do this again.

    9. That song is stuck in my head again.

    10. You rock.

  6. It's Dawn. I loved this blog very much, even before my name was mentioned. I liked the top you were wearing at Cracker Barrel. I ate there once when I was in Oklahoma last year. We don't have those on the West Coast as far as I know. Thirteen is my favorite number. Have you ever drank Jaeger bombs? I once owned that Richard Marx CD...or was it on cassette then? And I think that Joel is a very special little boy who is watching over all of us. Thank you for telling me the story about that day.

  7. Jaeger bombs are awesome, Kiki and I got way too drunk on them last summer in Vegas.

  8. It's a favorite of my boys, so I've had them once or twice when I've been invited over when they had get togethers with their friends. And they are pretty good.


  9. I have never had a Jaeger bomb. Sounds like it would make me throw up.

    And Neil...

    1. But I just got Adam putting out lots. Seems like a waste to move onto you at this point, no offense.

    2. I'm sorry, the screen changed before my camera turned on. But I tried!

    3. If you ever come to WV, we can totally take a beaver bath.

    4.I do not.

    5. Maybe I should get a job in phone sex.

    6. I rather have Arbys. Cracker Barrel has bad service here.

    7. Lists are fun...indeed.

    8. Yes we must do this again. What you doing this Saturday? I wanna use my blender.

    9. That song ROCKS. I should post a Richard Marx song at the end of every blog.

    10. You rock, too.

  10. What better way to spend my 21st birthday than to meet a bunch of my mom's personal serial killers? Its doesn't get any better than that!

  11. Lies. It does. Strippers.

    All this stripper talk makes me want to learn to give lap dances. I'm weird.

  12. You made me feel all warm and squishy inside. I didn't realize I was he first you told about Joel. I'm getting all teary again just thinking about it.



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