So it's been a couple days since the avalanche occurred & honestly, it's been a good couple days. Part of me feels like I should feel bad, but I don't really. I feel weird sometimes, you're suppose to have family, you know? But then today occurred & it reminded myself, along with my husband, that we were more than correct in our decision of removing these people from our lives.
My husbands uncle contacted us. Now, this guy is a winner. He's been an ass to be before, openly mocked me & made comments in crowds about how "nice it is to let Adam see his family." Adam always thought the guy was joking, but I knew better. It's since been made obvious that some people in his family did indeed, well, hate me. And yes, I know I called them evil a couple nights ago but in my defense I spent 3 years being treated like crap.
Anyway, it was bad enough when my sister in law asked for prayers for us since we are in obvious need for them & suggested therapy because we're too sensitive, but today his uncle threw his lovely opinions to us.
First, his emails started with a demand for $200. What for, you ask? Well, over 2 years ago he came to look at a house we were buying. He walked around, took some pictures, said it "looks fine" & called it a home inspection, even though he's not licensed in any way to do them. Never did he ask for money or we offer, though we did offer him dinner. Well, now he wants his $200 for his "home inspection." Mind you, he never did a report, never was certified to do one, never was there any talk of payment (we did offer him to go out to eat, but he declined) & our A/C went out 2 weeks later, but he wants his $200. I want to send him an invoice in return for $400, since he thinks his services were worth $200 & our A/C took $600 to repair. So, yeah, he owes us $400 in my opinion if he's trying to argue that was a real inspection. Oh, lets also not forget the fact that a building he owns fell apart a few months ago, causing the city 2 million in damages to clean up. So he obviously knows a ton about buildings!
He then made some great comment to Adam about how his family is only good enough for him when he needs something. This made us laugh because, well, the few things we've asked of his family we've been told no minus the time this guy came to see the house. We asked when I was pregnant with Jules if they could help us paint? No. Could they help us move? No. But they did come the next day, almost an hour early, & later complained I didn't greet them at the door even though I was still getting dressed & blamed that for why they didn't like to come to our house. We also asked for help with our wedding, we were promised they'd show up at 1pm, but they didn't show up until 3 when we were done setting up. We've never asked for money, visits, stuff...anything. Hell, I didn't even care to get wedding gifts when we got married. So saying they were only needed when we want something was just dumb.
Then he moved onto the fact that my husband was a "candy ass." He also called him other fun names, one involving the word "pussy." He just went on & on with very bad insults & name calling. And not even good ones or funny ones. Well, funny they were but not in the way he intended.
Then he moved onto the next lovely subject...our dead son. He mocked our sons memorial service, saying he didn't want to come but only came for Adam's dad & that the only reason any of Adam's family came was because it was the first chance they'd had to meet Jules & how pathetic is was that it took our son dying for them to meet him. Mind you, no one ever wanted to come to our house or anything like that. We never denied people the right to come to our house, but we were told that it was too far. And since we weren't on great terms with my inlaws, we didn't go hang out with them very often, that is true. He also said that the memorial was "nothing but a pity party for poor sad Adam & Jessi." Yes, yes it was. You know, our son was dead. Were we suppose to do the conga around the funeral home? Have a costume party? And if it wasn't good enough for him, maybe he should have sent some fucking flowers or something. Just a suggestion. Not surprised to hear this though, this is the same guy who refused to speak to me at Joel's service. Adam even asked him to tell me goodbye & he just walked out the door & left. Winner.
Then he went even further...he made fun of our dead son. He blamed us for his death, telling us that it's obviously a midwife wasn't a good choice & if there is a next time & we want a better outcome, maybe we should "try to be less trendy & go with a real doctor." Gee, that isn't a low blow or anything, now is it?
He then went on to ramble about how since his family isn't good enough for me, the day will come where he won't be either & something about he'll be alone, blah blah blah. Coming from a guy whose had several failed marriages, we can't help but to think he was talking to himself about 20 years ago at that point. No reason to project your failed marriages on us. I bet he'd love to see my new, snazzy, wedding band.
Of course I've told Adam for a while now that no matter what, we will never get divorced, it would bring his family far too much joy. Who needs marriage counseling when you have an angry family rooting for your marriage to fail? I'm way too competitive of a person to let anyone win besides me, dammit.
My husband, being an evil genius who, like me, tries to make everything funny, even came up with the great idea of making a nice facebook poll as to what his response should be. A friend suggested we mail him dog poop, then the ball just went rolling from there. It's either laugh or cry, so we choose to laugh. And mock. Oh, & if you go to the poll & see a picture there, please realize that it's not a fake. That's actually the guys facebook photo. Couldn't have planned that any better.
At the end of the day, I guess this leaves us happy. Alright, maybe happy isn't the right word. But we sure as hell feel better. Why you ask? Because for YEARS my husband has spoke to his family who have always said we're crazy, we're wrong, they don't dislike me or think anything badly about us, nothing is wrong...blah, blah, blah. But as soon as the shit hits the fan & people realize they've got nothing to lose, the truth sure as hell comes out. So while the emails were cruel & uncalled for in my eyes (really, who mocks a baby's funeral?), it makes me realize that we weren't crazy all this time. While I'm sure the man doesn't speak for ALL of the family, he sure speaks for some. And considering how close the man & Adam's dad are, we're pretty sure this reflects some conversations they've likely had. So if I have to look for the bright side of this process, at least truths are coming out. Painful truths, but it's better than the lies we've had told to us for so long. I rather be hated & told I'm hated than just treated like I'm hated but told to my face I'm imagining it all.
I don't believe I'm better than anyone...minus murders, rapist, & animal abusers of course. But I've decided I'm better than these people. They've done things that have pissed me off before, oh have they, but why be cruel? Sending an email filled with angry comments and name calling is stupid & childish. Telling someone their marriage will end is lame when you've had several end yourself. Demanding money first thing in your "angry" email is super fucking dumb when one of the complaints you've had is that my family has ruined Adam by making him "only care about money" whatever that was suppose to mean a few months ago. To mock the death of a child or a service for that child is pathetic, to place blame on the parents is sickening. I don't know what rock these people live under that they think a certified nurse midwife isn't qualified to do prenatal care. Last pregnancy I saw a midwife & no one bitched & moaned about it. Hell, all you see in this area is a midwife unless you have some sort of medical condition or are high risk. Until Joel, I didn't fall under either of those categories. Yes, we'd loved to made it a better service, with videos of him taking his first steps or from his wedding, but guess what? We didn't have that chance. Yes, it sure was a fucking pity party. Good luck finding a service that at some point or another a "pity party." I'd just went through a pregnancy, labor & delivery, we'd decorated a room, named him, & hell, that day my milk came in & all we have to prove he really existed is a lock of hair. So yeah, it was a huge fucking pity party. Part of me wanted to respond with "You hold your child for a few hours & send him to the morgue, you asshole, & see how you feel." Of couse, as uncaring as he comes off maybe he wouldn't care if he were in our situation. At times, how I would love to be that void of emotion.
And more important than myself, my kids are better than those people. I don't want them to grow up with such ugly. Yes, the world is ugly, but I think part of my job as a parent is to protect them from it when I can. And heaven forbid my children turn out to be someone as cold hearted as to send something like we received to day, I would feel as though I did a miserable job of teaching them anything about compassion.
So my children will lack some family. But if those are my choices, should I really feel as though they are missing out? I tend to think not. And while I can't put my kids in a bubble & protect them for everyone or everything out there cruel, I can prevent them from dealing with painful people as much as I can. Again, I feel good about our decision to cut ties. If the response from him was to make us feel bad or shamed, it didn't work. It was so the opposite. Of course, now I also feel a bit embarrassed for the guy since he's got not clue what a jackass he actually is.
I have a quote in my profile about me section that talks about a baby being too beautiful for earth. I like to thing that was Joel, the actions of these people make me angry that they even had the chance to meet him for a brief time because I do really think he was too good for him. Maybe he was just too good for the whole bunch of us though.
If you look back in my blog, you'll see some home repairs, including Adam pouring concrete steps. He wrote our names in one & I took a picture. He saw the picture & said "you can't even clean them off first?!" & I told him he had no idea what I was thinking or going to say about them. Since I'm a meanie, I suppose he thought I was going to mock them, but I wasn't. We quickly realized that due to our yard & drainage (lack there of in some places) anytime we had rain we'd get dirty steps. Oh well, I'd rather have dirty steps than mud like was once there. But without thinking Adam put the names where it would get the most icky. But I noticed this...
In case you can't see well...
His is the only name that managed to not get dirty or blocked from the dirt. Jules didn't get much either, but Joel's is the only one that stands out without the aid of a broom. I'm not sure what it means, but I think it means something. And if not, oh well, it means something to me.