If you'll remember (and if you don't just click here), I was told I was all sorts of screwed up genetically. The OB suggested I get on blood thinners if I get pregnant again. Of course, this was the same OB who insisted that I take antibiotics during labor because I was group b strep positive...even though they are only used to prevent your baby from getting an infection. Obviously, that wasn't really necessary in my case of "fetal demise" but he was convinced it was needed anyway.
So because of this, my midwife suggested we see someone who is a specialist for a prenatal consult. We had two choices. The first was seeing the doctor who incorrectly decided Joel had a 2nd kidney & said we didn't need monitored anymore not even 3 weeks before he was dead. We weren't going to do that obviously & I doubt our lawyer would recommend that we go back to him as it could look badly on our case that we still ask his medical opinion. I also doubt my lawyer would want me to give anyone on the interweb details about things, so I won't say anything else. But I've said there is a lawyer involved...take from that what you will. You'll probably be correct. Anyway, our other option was a man in Charleston, so we took that option. The OB mentioned above also stated that we needed to get Adam tested, on top of the fact that we needed to get in before he had his reversal to see if we even wanted to try for another child. That sounds bad, huh?
Yesterday was our appointment. After getting stuck in traffic for 20 minutes, then passing the entrance up, which is located on a one way street mind you, we showed up about 25 minutes late. I just knew they'd send us away & if they did, as we were walking down the block, I was telling myself I'd never come back & never get pregnant again. Screw it all. If there is a god, he was telling us to stop this whole breeding thing.
We walk in & they don't send us away. They tell us he'll be right back. They were friendly, sent Adam into the consult room with bad magazines while weighing me & asking questions about medications & such. Of course I get the nurse whose being trained by another nurse. I really questioned if the trainee was even a nurse, she was very confused. Of course I enjoyed that they were asking me what drugs I took even after I filled it out on the paperwork AND they wrote it directly on the chart. Guess they want to make sure they have that Zoloft written down correctly.
I then go back into the consult room & eventually this nice man comes in. He wasn't what I expected, but he seemed nice. I was annoyed in advance that I had no idea what he looked like. It's 2009 people, put your picture up on your stinking website!
Long story short...he said I'm peachy. OK, he didn't actually say "peachy" but there is nothing wrong with me. Further proving the other OB to be, well, dumb, he made fun of the fact that Adam got tested, because none of those test have anything to do with genetic problems with babies, so all those clotting test they ran on Adam were pointless. And the only things I scored high on were good to score high on. While it wasn't normal range, they are only a problem if the levels are low. And he said that some he wouldn't even consider high, because a couple of them were just out of normal range 1 or 2 points, which could be the error margin of the test. So yeah, peachy.
The only thing that he suggested was that one of my mutations screws with my folic acid. Therefore, he'd suggest an extra amount of that. And in my research I'd seen that so I've actually been dosing myself for a week or so now anyway. He didn't change the dose, so I guess my interweb searches & converting mcg's into mg's were effective.
So now I just continue my nightly ritual of looking like a drug addict. Every night I take a prenatal, an iron supplement, 2 folic acid supplements, a probotics capsule, & a birth control pill. OH! And a zoloft. How could I forget that wonderful pill of happiness? Throw in a bad day & I add a zyrtec in there. I look like a drug addict around 11pm. And I usually wash all of these things down with a coke & cheese cubes. What?! Extra calcium never hurt anyone.
So now I face a different emotional roller coaster in my life...getting pregnant. It's never been anything we had to work at. If I used a bar of soap Adam had used & I wasn't on the pill, I was knocked up. Of course I still function as the amazing fertile woman. Let's all hope Adam's vas heals correctly. If you want to know more about my husbands testicles, feel free to check out his blog for that adventure.
So I'm happy. I want a chance to do this over again, to try one more time. Not just for me, but for Jules. I don't think you have to have a ton of kids or kids close together, in fact when I found out I was pregnant with Joel while Jules wasn't even 9 months old, I freaked out. But then I saw something that I'll always remember. It was after we make Joel's memorial arrangements. We were driving around before going to get some flowers for his service & school had dismissed shortly before. We were at a stop sign & we see a school bus stop in front of a house. A woman comes out along with a little boy, around 4 I'd guess, & he's all excited. Just then, his brother who isn't too much older gets off the bus. They hugged, then walked arm & arm up their sidewalk to their house. It was the sweetest thing I think I'd ever seen, but at the same time, for us, I think it was the saddest thing we could have seen. Everyone told me when they found out I was pregnant again that it was a great thing actually, that while it would be hard with two tiny ones around the house, as they grew up it was be amazing & it would be like they were best friends. Jules will never know what he missed out on, but we will. He'll miss getting off the bus with his little brother there to meet him along with his mom. I think they'll always be a shadow of where Joel should be in his footsteps, being taught all of the naughty stuff Jules has figured out. I remember how when Jules would just be getting into everything & driving me nuts I thought to myself "my god, how am I going to do this?!" but now I wish I had the chance to lose my mind with the duo of little boys.
But as I said, I'm selfish as well. I want to go through this again so I can have good baby memories, I can't have my last memories of newborns be what they are now. Nothing will ever take that pain away or bring back my 2nd son, but I want to get the chance to give all of this love I realized I have to another person. And since I don't want to marry another man & I have no more room for pets, we're going to do this baby thing. When I look back at Joel I'm sad for so many things, but I'm so sad over thinking of what I'm missing out on. Jules, for the most part, is a total daddy boy. He also looks like dad. Those two are like two peas in a pod. Joel looked alot like I did as a baby. I wonder about him growing up, would he be like me? Don't get me wrong, Adam & I are so much alike personality wise it's scary, so our kids have no choice but to be sarcastic people who make inappropriate jokes, so Jules is like me in ways. But at the same time, part of me feels like I'm missing my own little buddy, the other pea in my pod that isn't there. I hope he knows I love him & that I would do anything to have him here with me. And more than anything, something I've worried about from day one, when he passed I hope he wasn't scared, I hope he didn't suffer. I have no way of knowing, but it's something I'm sure I'll think about for the rest of my life. I don't blame myself for causing this to happen, but I do blame myself for not being able to save him. When the news of Joel passing came out, someone said something very sweet about how he'll never know any of the bad things in this world, that all he'll know is safety & his mother. I hope he felt safe, I wanted him to be safe more than anything. I hope he knows that I wanted him & how much I miss him. I hope he knows I'm sorry for not doing something to help him.
As optimistic as I try to be about moving on through this experience & trying for another child, I do have fears. What if this happens again? I don't know how I made it through the last time, I know I can't do it again. I know it's unlikely to have another loss like this, but it's still scary to think about. The chances of it happening were low anyway, but it still did. When you live it, you can't help but to worry about it again. I have sudden fears of miscarriages, something I've not feared the past couple pregnancies. Everyone talks about the "safe" point. I never worried about that myself, but now I worry in a totally different way than most...when do I hit my safe point exactly? When can I sigh & relieved sigh & think "this is it, everything is alright"? I also have fears of being unable to get pregnant again at all. If that vasectomy had never happened, I wouldn't have this fear since, as I explained, we get pregnant sitting on the same couch if I'm off birth control. Reversals aren't always successful & while I'm confident in our doctor & he was very optimistic about the outcome, I hate to get my hope up. I hate to assume that it'll happen & it never does. Hope hasn't been kind to me lately, I'm trying to re-establish a nice working relationship with this thing called hope.
I have so many hopes for our future, I have to believe there is a chance for things to happen as we wish for them to happen. I know that there are no guaranties in life when it comes to anything, but I'm getting hope that things will work out for us. Part of that whole re-establishing a nice working relationship. We have no choice but to go on, I just wish for this road is a bit easier than the one we've traveled so far.
If you get along with hope, can you please let me borrow some? I need all I can get. Luck would be nice, too. Thanks for any you can spare for me.
And hey, if nothing else at least I've got some neat stuff like...
-decorative scarecrows looking like they are doing dirty things to make me laugh...
-cats that get in boxes that are too small...
-a son who likes to take blurry, myspace like photos...
-the glory of having gone to first base with a dolphin...
-and that weird guy who shows up randomly around me...
But hey, at least he got me a nice wedding band, takes out the trash, & cleans the litter boxes.