Friday, August 7, 2009

The ball kept rolling until it could roll no more.

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Imagine this with me. A small flake of snow, it rolls creating a tiny ball. It keeps going, slowly, down this hill. Ignored, it doesn't stop. Eventually though that snow ball turns into a might avalanche that crashes down & kills everyone in the small village below.

There was warning, the villagers refused to to see it. They ignored it, thinking it would go away on it's own if they just didn't look at it. Never mind the fact that at any time someone could have stopped it, but they didn't. Instead, they waited, thinking nothing would happen. They wouldn't get destroyed. A couple of the villagers said, "Uh, we have a problem" but they were seen as trouble makers who couldn't just go with the flow.

And while the bodies lay around in this crushed little town, the couple who tried to warn them basically looked at each other, thinking "now what?"

Do you know what to tell them? If so, please leave a comment for me & Adam because that's just what's went down in the Dishmon house tonight.

Yeah, Dishmon house. I would say Culver house, but I think we're going to have to be Dishmons from now on.

I'm not really sure how it started. I'm in the floor watching Elmo when I realize that Adam isn't in the kitchen like I thought. I yelled for him, got no response. I worried a little that he'd passed out since the guy did just have surgery, so I looked around for him. I then worried he'd moved out when I realized he wasn't in the house & the doors were shut. On a whim I looked out back & Adam is out there on his phone. He tells me it's his sister. Alright, no problem. I go back in & watch Elmo more. I go back to check since Jules is wondering why daddy is outside in the dark. I then hear bits & pieces of a convo, so I realize then it's a serious discussion on how we all as a family interact. A short time later I go back to a door to let Macy out, I hear even more which has now moved onto "she was laying in bed delivering our dead son, do you think she can forgive them?" Great, just great. I came back in the living room & called my mom since I'd promised to call her & I thought talking to her would give me something to do instead of, well, worry.

I explain something odd is going on & I worried Adam was going to have a bad night. About 15 minutes into the convo I'm getting ready to get off the phone when Adam comes in the house, very upset, & tells me something along the lines of, "you were rude that day when you didn't go outside & talk to everyone." What day you ask? I know I did. The day of my sons funeral. That was an example that came up about how I never interact with his family or make them feel comfortable I suppose, that after we'd had our sons service I didn't walk around & make small talk to everyone.

The topic continued, got loud, & eventually that was said to Adam after many other things were said that were painful. I guess that's when he got loud in return, got hung up on, & he just removed his battery from his phone in response.

He went on to tell me that basically his sister laid everything out on the table. Things like how we rejected his family when I was in labor with Jules & didn't allow them back in the room while I was in labor (mind you, my family wasn't allowed either). His parents have even went as far as to tell his sister that they've told me several times how sorry they are for everything, in emails & on the phone & I just refuse to accept any of it. I've never spoken to any of these people on the phone, mind you. Ever. There was more, so much more, but nothing I didn't already assume. But assuming & knowing are two very different things.

I personally about had a break down. All along I've said that if any point in our lives we were allowed to just sit & be sad & have people come to us, it was that day & to hear that they basically were unhappy that I didn't come interact with them, when all I did was sit at a table & feel sorry for myself, killed me. My son had just died. I'd just went through a 26 hour labor with him. I had stitches. I'd had to say goodbye to a baby after only a few hours when I thought I'd have a lifetime. How can anyone hold that against me, that I sat at a table. It just seemed cruel to me, it still does.

After crying on the phone with my mother a little, I get off & then have my hysterical break down that scared Jules, something I'll always regret. But it was almost that break down I mentioned in my last blog, of wanting to throw myself to the ground screaming & crying. I'm in my dining room, pounding on my hands on the table, crying & screaming at the top of my lungs, "my son is fucking dead & I'm suppose to make them feel good?" & I think I just kept saying "my son was dead" over & over for a couple minutes. I calm myself down for two reasons. One, Jules was scared. And second, I wanted to call his parents house. I wanted to say something, anything, about the fact that I cannot believe they hold it against me that I wasn't friendly enough after my sons funeral, after I was recovering from childbirth on top of that. I wanted to talk to his mom or dad, I wanted them to tell me something, maybe I hoped they'd say it wasn't true, I don't know. I got their number & called their house, about falling over when Adam's sister answers. In the drama, I never thought to ask if he called her at her house or his parents house. I, still calm, ask who it is to be sure. She tells me, I say hello & tell her who I am. She promptly says "goodbye then" & hangs up.

I lose it again. I wanted to be civil, I wanted it so bad. I needed to talk to someone, she would have done. I wanted someone to say something to me, anything. And that was what I got, a click. I then decided I was done being calm, that I was done being anything. Instead, knowing I'd never speak to any of these people I got on my computer & sent my mother in law an email. Not as long as I thought my final contact to these people would be, but I figured short & sweet was the best option since I wasn't sure she'd even read a little. But I did want to have my say & I wanted my feelings known. And because I have zero interest in privacy on the interwebs, I'm sharing it with you all now...

"I have so many things I can say, but now that your daughter has hung up on me when I wanted to calmly talk to someone, that has all gone out the window.

Never attempt to contact any of us ever again. Do not call either of our phones, do not email us, do not send us mail. Nothing. Please, pretend as though we're as dead as my son is, you know, the son you never cared about or wanted to know about. I wish I never had Adam call you when we lost Joel, he was too beautiful for you to see or get to meet, if only for a short time. Think of me what you will, but please know how badly I think of you. I could go into detail, but you aren't worth the time or effort.

You once compared your love of Adam to my love for my children. Never ever think that. If I could, I would go back in time and DIE for Joel. You people are so worried about what you want & being right that you're willing to lose your son & his children. If your goal all this time has been to get rid of me, very good job, you've done it. But you've also lost your grandchildren in that as well. I promise with every ounce of my being that for the rest of my life I will protect them from the evils in this world. You people count as the evils. You've always thought I, maybe my entire family looked down on your or thought we were better than you for some reason. None of that has ever been true...until now. I do see that I'm very much better than you. Thank you for reminding me of how much I love my family & how amazing they are, for being willing to accept anything in my life that I've chosen. I only wish you felt the same way about your own son.

Good luck finding forgiveness from someone, you will never find any here."

Looking back, it seems harsh & I wondered if I should have sent it in my hysterics. But you know what? I don't regret it. Yes, it was harsh & part of me feels it's cruel. But that's only because I try to be a good person, I try not to cause drama & waves. Sounds weird based on the fact that I do admit that I'm a huge bitch to most people, but for years now I've said over & over to Adam that I do not want to come between him & his family. When we were engaged, we came close to breaking up just because I didn't want to break apart his family. But I suppose that's all too late now.

Let me just make something really clear...my son is DEAD. I'm crushed. Adam is as well. We have no other choice but to keep moving on & I don't know why this bullshit needed to continue. So many people keep telling me how strong I am, but I don't feel it. I feel like a black cloud. I couldn't save my son. I can't save my husbands family. As I was standing in the doorway of Joels room, comforting my husband as he held Jules, I wondered how things would be different in my life years ago when this all started happening if we had just broken up. I had to put the thought out of my head, if that had happened so many other things that I love about my life wouldn't be here right now. But of course, I can't help but to blame myself in this. I never wanted to hurt my husband, I couldn't care less if I hurt his parents, but I never wanted him hurt in this. I feel like I've let him down. I know he doesn't feel that way, but he need not worry himself, because I feel it plenty myself.

We warned people for some time now that things needed to change or this would all be loss. And now it's too late. I support Adam in anything he chooses in the future, if he ended up on better terms with his parents, that's fine, but myself & the kids will never be a part of it. I'm sitting here sad because I know Adam's entire family will be unhappy about this, & I like so many of them (hell, all of them) & I would love to interact with them as much as possible, but I know that how this has all played out that will never happen. That makes me sad, as so many of them have been kind to me this entire time. My only hope at this point is maybe somewhere, somehow, they know none of this was directed towards them. But, again, I doubt that will happen.

Instead of the villagers who tried to ignore the avalanche being blamed for ignoring it instead of trying to stop it before it did so much damage, the people who warned of it's coming will be blamed. If only they had just gone with the flow, none of this would have happened, if it had been ignored things would be fine.

I sit here & feel like, once again, I've lost a piece of myself. And while they weren't my family, they were Adam's. I guess him losing a part of him that was so important now means I've lost something as well. But as I've said, you cannot change someone who doesn't want changed. I could beg & plea & be willing to take almost anything being said that would acknowledge how we felt about all of these problem, but they wouldn't budge.

I've lost many things in my life. I'll hurt forever for these things I'm missing. I want it all to just end. No, not in the way like I'm going to go jump off a bridge or something. I just want things to be alright. I want to stop being sad, I want to stop being angry, I want to stop reliving pain every moment of every day. I want to get a break, I need one so badly. We both do. But I didn't want my break to come like this. I'm sorry for all the wrongs I've done in my life. As I've said before, I'm not perfect & I'd never claim to be. I'm human. And because of this, I have human emotions, reactions, & everything that comes along with those things. I want to be happy, to be liked, to be loved. I can't force that anymore than I can force anything else.

So what do the villagers do now? The people they had, the village is destroyed. They have no choice but to move on & survive. Survival is all you can do sometimes.

Another chapter in the book of life has closed, another one starts. Actually, the book is done. A new book starts now. Hopefully, the new book will be more of a romantic comedy instead of a tragedy like the end of the last book has been. Please be there for the new book, help us make it good if there is any way you can.

I promise the next blog will be a bit more uplifting. Shit, how can it not? I also promise not to ramble about made up villages, snow, & books. I started getting on my own nerves with it by the end, it seemed like a good idea early on but it just went way too far. I just don't know when to quit, do I?

6 comments:

  1. Do you know what slander is? You need to remove these comments about my family immediately or I will obtain a lawyer. I will not stand by and let you insult my family. Consider yourself warned. Stop using your loss as an excuse for you bad behavior in all of this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jessi - I am glad you are able to discuss the ups and downs in your life and allowing us to take a peak into your journey. I'm sorry somebody doesn't approve of you discussing YOUR family and all that you are going through with YOUR family.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Is it slander if it is the truth though? Isn't that like saying that news reporters are slandering murderers for saying they kill people?

    ReplyDelete
  4. The truth must really hurt when you have to threaten bogus lawsuits on people. Family continues to amaze me, when they should rally together and be there for each other the crappy people in that family tend to suck more. One day I'll have to blog about my experience with family.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Actually, since it's written, it's libel. If you're going to threaten, at least do it intelligently. Because apparently you don't know what slander is. Or compassion, but that's another story.

    I found this blog late, but I want to share that I find the reaction of your inlaws to be horrible.

    I held my stillborn niece in my arms, and knew it was a loss that my sister would never recover from. For the pain and loss I felt in those few minutes, I'd forgive her anything she ever said in her grief.

    ReplyDelete

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