I need a favor, dear friends. I need someone, anyone to stab me with this...
A fork. Right in the eye. Or the left eye, of course. Whatever works for you. Since you're the one being nice enough to stab me, I figure you should get the choice of what eye to stab me through.
Of course, to find the above picture of a fork I simply used google image search & put in "fork" only to have the first fork picture to come up be a...baby fork.
If there is a god, he or she has a hell of a sense of humor.
Today has sucked. There really anything more to say than it's sucked. From the start, of not sleeping well & getting up about 5 hours after I went to bed, it has sucked. The only good thing about today was my dad came over to fix out toilet & you know when the toilet is the high point of your day, it's been a bad one.
Starts off with me calling insurance to see if I can submit something to get some of the autopsy paid for. We had to pay for it in full in advance. We called & checked & they said they'd cover nothing at all autopsy related. Well, according to the hospital & insurance themselves, they did in fact cover the placenta exam of the autopsy. Plus, the hospital told us that even insurances that don't cover it will sometimes cover it on appeal based on the fact that they get away without a lifetime of well visits & medical bills for a baby. Yes, basically we point out that they don't have to pay for anything other than an autopsy, so they should be happy to cover at least that. So I call this nice lady named Teresa & tell her I'm calling because I had a stillborn son on May 28th, we got an autopsy, we were told they'd cover none of the medical exam whatsoever, but they covered part of it & I wanted to know how to go about submitting the actual autopsy for review. She then pulls things up & tells me how I shouldn't have been billed for anything, because delivery is covered under the global fee. I tell her I know that, I'm calling because they did in fact pay for part of the autopsy on my son who was stillborn. She then says, "We paid for part of the exam on May 29th." Not a question, a statement. She then goes into what the bill was, how much we owed, & who it was from. I tell her AGAIN that I know this, in fact I just wrote a check for it, I want to submit a claim for the entire autopsy, then I go into how the hospital advised us to do that & if it was rejected we may want to file an appeal because sometimes a portion of it will be covered after an appeal. She then said, "...but we PAID that $150, you want to APPEAL it?" So, AGAIN, I go into the fact that I was to submit the entire autopsy, not just that one part, the entire $2800. She then goes over the appeal process with me. Fabulous. But then she throws in, "of course, I doubt there is anything you can do, I see you never added your baby to your policy & since he was born more than 60 days ago, you can't add him with retroactive coverage so I doubt anything will get paid from his birth on until you add him & then things after that will be covered."
At which point I sighed & said..."Teresa, do you know what STILLBIRTH means? Or AUTOPSY? My son wasn't alive, he didn't have any medical bills & never will...I can't add him to a policy if he never lived & according to our state, he never existed."
She finally got it &, again, went over how to submit a claim. I sure appreciated her compassion. Does sarcasm work on blogger? Let's hope.
Anyway, Teresa tells me to submit a claim I have to have proof I paid it, so a receipt, plus a bill coded with the procedure & the amount that was due. I tell her I'll try to get the bill. So then I call the hospital.
I then talk to Becky. I explain we had an autopsy on our son, we want to submit it to insurance, I have the receipt that we paid with our visa card, but insurance needs a bill that shows what we were charged for & a procedure code. She tries to look it up, ask the name, I ask her mine or my sons. She said either, so I explained our son was stillborn so chances are he isn't in the computer. She got very sad & kept telling me how sorry she was. Which kinda made me feel sadder than I thought I would. So she looked it up & sees nothing, which I tell her doesn't surprise me since we had to pay in advance I doubt a bill was ever complied. She then tells me she's going to transfer me to a supervisor who can hopefully help me, & again tells me how sorry she is. She then tells me to hold on for Teresa.
*sigh* Another Teresa. I get her voice mail & left about a 4 minute long, semi-crying message on this womans machine. At this point, my day was long enough. I tell her everything I've told Becky, what insurance needs from me, my son was stillborn, his name was Joel...I went on & on so long I gave my number at least twice because I figured I'd rambled so much she needed reminded. That was right before lunch time was over, so I'm sure she loved coming back to work today.
I then go to the post office. I've been waiting for an invoice for my medical records from Cabell Huntington Hospital, mainly the records from my ultrasound. When I went to order them, I made it very clear I wanted EVERYTHING. Notes from the ultrasound techs, notes from the doctors, pictures, films, EVERYTHING, not just the reports. I have the damn reports already. Well, in my box today I don't get an invoice to pay for them, instead I have the records. But it's clear to me they have given me nothing I've requested, so pictures, no videos, nothing. I'd hoped for at least notes from the ultrasounds were included.
As I stood in the post office I felt like I was finally going to have the proof in my hands that my son wasn't given the chance he deserved. Well, I was wrong. I went through my maybe 20 pages, which only actually was copies of my intake & discharge from the hospital that night he was confirmed as "fetal demise." The ultrasounds? The fucking reports. That's it. Nothing else. I'm livid. I've waited 3 weeks, after being told it'd take 10 days, & this is what I get...nothing? I did get THREE sets of copies of my midwives records since they were in my chart from the ultrasound place & the hospital back in May. So that means I now have a total of FIVE copies of her files. FIVE! And I still can't get the notes from an ultrasound? Really?
I go out to my car & call the nice 800 number & after about 15 minutes I speak to someone who is breaking up every other sentence. We finally get on the same page, that I'm missing everything I wanted...the films, pictures, notes, & the fetal echo-cardiogram that was ordered that my records speak of, but have no info about in them. She told me 4-10 days for those. I'll hold my breath for that one.
The only semi-related thing I managed to find when I got home was on the report from the first ultrasound in April, when we found out about the 1 kidney, that it list what they were looking for, what they found, & what they didn't find. The kidneys are listed as something they looked for, which backs up my theory of at 20 weeks they realized something was wrong but for whatever reason the report failed to mention the possible problem. But in April, it was one of the items they were checking for. So, I want those notes & things from that first ultrasound even more now.
So then the day continues. My dad fixes our toilet. Hooray. Again, high point of my day.
After that I get into a fight with that guy I married. You see, a vasectomy reversal is expensive & you pay out of pocket. Most of that went on my credit card. We were planning on paying my card off with money we were planning to have in the next couple weeks, but because of paperwork it could take a month or more at this rate. So this large amount is setting on my credit card, getting ready to be hit with interest & I'm fairly sure my card, with that added interest, will go over it's limit. So then I get those fees, too. This is a perfect example of not depending on money until it's in your hand. I've been annoyed anyway because when Adam re-did our back room he misplaced many things. He, of course, denies this. But we couldn't find my credit card...our marriage license, our passports, & now we can't find our deed to our house. We need a copy of something that proves we own a house in WV for this money to come through. We did find our closing papers which has a small copy of our deed in it, so I'm hoping that works. But I want to give these people all the info possible, so it comes through ASAP & we don't have to resubmit anything. Today I wanted to go ahead & print our tax info required, Adam just thought we could print a part from H&R Block that says we paid them. I disagree & take it upon myself to find what we need & print. Then, I can't get it to print the pages I want. Then when I say screw it & go to print all 20-some pages, it only prints a small amount of the first page. He then tells me he hasn't actually downloaded the file, just opened it with google, which I find annoying as all hell. I say forget it & move into the living room to get my laptop to print it with. While I'm looking for the file & pulling it up, he goes ahead & opens it & then prints the page he thinks I was trying to print. Mind you, I'm trying to print several & I don't even know if that was one of them, I have to look at them to know, I didn't memorize the page numbers. So I then just lose it, tell him I'm fucking done with it, do whatever he wants. If it doesn't come through, it doesn't come through, I'll let citi card come after me. What are they going to take, my cats? Of course I'm not serious about defaulting, but it's just the most frustrating thing on earth when I want to do this as correct as possible to get this process over & done with & maybe, just maybe, get this cash before that interest period hits, & I kinda feel like he's half assing it. I know he's not, not really at least, but it'd be nice to have things covered as much as possible so we don't have to start over again in 2 weeks when it's denied because of our paperwork not being correct. If I have to send these people 8375938 pages, so be it, let's just get on it & get it done. If I give too much, so be it, I just can't deal with going through it again, trying to get them more documentation when we had it all along & just didn't send it.
At that point, I admit failure. I'm kicking myself for even trying this, we should have just waited & taken the chance of the vasectomy not being able to be reversed a year or more from now. And then I convince myself that I bet it didn't even work. We're in debt $6000 & for nothing. I should have spoke up before he had the vasectomy & told him a had a bad feeling, when he called 3 hours after he was suppose to have it done & tells me they still hadn't started, I should have told him not to get it done like I thought then. I ignored my paranoid feelings because I didn't want to seem, well, paranoid. So as think of all of this, I then sit on my couch & cry off & on for an hour. I hit my max for the day at that point & I was done.
Then my mom calls. After she told me, I think she realized it was a bad thing to tell me as she kept asking if I was alright, but I really have no choice but to be alright. My cousin is pregnant. Due around March if my math is correct. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them & I'm sure my aunt is beyond excited about the news. But dammit, I'm jealous & it just wasn't the day for me to find this out. I have no problem with the people I know pregnant now, who were pregnant along with me at some point or another. But the people getting pregnant after this I'm jealous of & bitter about. As I was mourning my son, they were creating life. Weird & kinda creepy to put that way, but it's the truth. Add all of that to the above & it's not a good day. Not a good day at all. I guess at the end it's proof that life goes on, which it should, but it's hard to go on for me. And not knowing I'll ever have the chance to experience it again just makes it all the harder for me to deal with.
And then there is Friday. Oh, Friday. Adam's back to school picnic. If there is a day I'm going to really consider jumping of a bridge, I worry it will be then. I want to go, everyone was beyond kind to us when we lost Joel. But Adam's school is like baby central. When I was pregnant with Jules, he was one of like 6 babies due that school year. This past year someone had a baby at the end of March, twins were born around then, too, & they were due when Joel was due. Someones sister was due around the same time I was. All boys. I get to go hang out with babies that aren't much older than Joel should be. I get to be around these people who use to talk about getting all these little boys together at the start of the school year. My little boy won't be there though. I am just so not ready for this. I suddenly wish I could double up on zoloft. Maybe that would help.
And that was my day. And a look at my upcoming day. Aren't you happy you clicked to read this crazy womans blog? Even I'm impressed about what a Debbie Downer I am anymore. I can't even google a fork without a baby fork coming up first thing. I really can't catch a break today.
So I'm going to go back to sitting on my couch & feeling like I want to scream & knock holes in my walls, all while just sitting here composed. I'm good at that, it's something I've learned to do well the past few months.
All this said, I did prepare an amusing cooking blog. I was going to write it tonight, already uploaded all my fun pictures, but obviously today didn't leave me feeling very entertaining. Maybe in a couple days. Until then, I'm just going to coast through the hours to get through tonight, then tomorrow as well. Keep coasting through Friday I guess. What other choice do I have?