Thursday, August 6, 2009

Anger, it's epic.

"We dropped them...we weren't happy about this whole midwife thing, told them to go to a doctor instead, but they just wouldn't listen. Kinda blew up & we dropped them."

That is what someone said in the waiting room of the hospital while I was in labor to deliver our dead son. Who said that has said many, many things that have caused problems in our relationship with them, & at times in my relationship with my husband.

First thing that went through my head was that we were "dropped." Who says that about family, that you dropped your son & his growing family? And to be honest, if anyone dropped anyone, we "dropped" them because of their actions and words about the fact that we were expecting Joel. Is it really something to be proud of, "dropping" your family? Not in my book, but what do I know.

And the next thing that went through my head was "lying bastard." Not only did they never express any concern over us seeing a midwife, they never spoke about our child. Adam would speak to them, communicate via-email from time to time, & he was never asked about Joel. Never asked when he was due, what the sex of the baby was...nothing. Even when it was pointed out, it was still never asked. They never cared about my son.

And finally, the worse part, I'm fairly sure the statement above basically says because we used a midwife & didn't listen to them, that's why my son died.

And that, my friends, is where the line has been crossed.

I accepted long ago that I would never be liked by these people. That was fine, really. But I didn't want my kids to suffer, or even my husband. All I wanted was to be treated with respect so my kids would never look at me & ask why these people never spoke to me or interacted with me. And because we wanted things to change, they made the decision to stay away through my pregnancy. I guess that counts as being "dropped." But the door was always opened if they were willing to see things had been done wrong & make an effort to change, not just "start fresh" which just meant ignore everything.

I cannot tell you how many times I've wished things were different. I've cried, wishing I'd opted for the c-section with Jules when the doctor suggested it during delivery. If I had, chances are they'd done another with Joel around 39 weeks & he'd be alive. I'm mad at myself for not forcing the doctor we saw to moniter Joel, maybe he would have been spared. I question everything I did & I will the rest of my life. I don't think anything I did caused him to die, but I do think he could have & should have been delivered before he was. He would have had a chance then. I sit & cry, wondering what Joel went through when he died. My worse fear is that he suffered or even that he was scared. I'll never know & I'll struggle with those thoughts forever. Trust me, I don't need anyone else to even consider that I didn't do things the best way possible. I'll always suffer with those thoughts.

I miss him. I still cannot believe I'm going through this, I can't believe we lost our son. I relive so many of the moments in May. I don't want to get over this, but I wish I could go a day without the flashing memories of laying there & not finding his heartbeat, the drive to the hospital, being told I was crying too hard for them to see clearly on the ultrasound, labor, delivery, then sending my son with some woman who took him to the morgue. The same woman who said "You know, you can take things like that back" when I mentioned my house. Who the hell was she to tell me I could take Joels things back? They were his. She was trying to help, but failed badly.

Obviously, even though I laugh, joke, & everything else I'm broken to pieces. I always will be. I do not need to hear from anyone who thinks they should chime in & suggest that because I used a fucking midwife, my son died. Who the fuck are they to say that when they didn't even know anything about him when I was pregnant? Let me just be blunt son didn't die because the lady who checked my weight & urine every few weeks was bad at her job. My son died because some jackass at an ultrasound place didn't report his defect to my midwife. Then another jackass thought they found a 2nd kidney & I didn't need monitored anymore to make sure my fluid levels stayed up. Then 3 weeks later my son was dead with almost no fluid. Gee, does that sound odd? By the way, the autopsy showed Joel did in fact only have 1 kidney. My midwife didn't kill my son, I didn't kill my son, a doctors mistake helped kill my son.

Oh, sorry, not my son. My "fetus." Let's remember he's a dead fetus according to my lovely state. And even according to the doctor who we used to get admitted to the hospital. We got a bill in for a co-pay for an office visit, which we don't have for any prenatal related visits. I called insurance & she won't tell me how it's coded but she did ask, "Uhhh...did you deliver a baby?" & told me I need to contact them because it wasn't coded as a pregnancy related visit. So I guess I get to fight with the billing department for that doctor now because I guess because my baby was dead it wasn't prenatal care any longer.

Gee, I wish someone explained this BEFORE I went though 26 hours of labor, that I wasn't having a baby. Silly me. If they refuse to change it, fuck them, I'm not giving them the $15 out of principal. Just like I'm not paying the $9 bill for an ultrasound. If they pressure me, I'll just write on the bill "my baby died because the doctor did a bad job, so take me to court for the $9."

But that's another subject all together. The subject is that I cannot believe that someone who never cared about my son, who I didn't see shed a single tear for my son, has the nerve to imply that because of my choice to use a midwife, that's why he was dead.

The line was drawn some time ago, that line was that it was fine to not really like me, but at least show some respect like I've shown you & treat my kids well. Treating my sons death like it was treated crosses that line. Implying that listening to you, even though you never spoke up, would have saved my son? It crosses it so, so much. And you know, if you were so concerned you should have said something to us, not tell people while I'm in labor. Hell, my midwife would have been more than happy to talk over things with them, she said that all along & I'm sure she said it then.

The anger I felt when I found this out today almost made me want to call these people & tell them what I thought of them, but I managed to hold it back. I've told Adam he can do as he wishes, but I'm done & I plan on letting them know I'm done, they are never welcomed around me or in my home, nor around my children. So many people in Adam's family I think are wonderful, they've been nothing but kind to me. Only a select few have not been. Sadly, it's the closest few.

My son is dead. I've lost hope in so many things, but at the same time I've gained hope. I've gained it in myself. Even though I cry & I wish at times I could throw myself in the floor & just scream & throw things, I have faith in myself that I never had before. I said in my last post about Joel that I was doing things for him. And I am. One of those things happen to be taking care of myself & his siblings & not allowing such cruel things to be said or done. I have enough grief & sorrow every day of my life without them adding to it. I now have the courage to just be blunt & confront people about these things. I really don't care what the response is at all. It couldn't be any worse or painful than handing my son over to a hospital employee to take him to the morgue, knowing they were going to do an autopsy on him to try to figure out why we lost him. I've had nightmares about it, trust me, nothing they can say or do in response to me will scare me or upset me more than what I've experienced.

Know what gets me the most at the end of the day? The fact that they may lose their son & his family because of this. I know how much it hurts to not have your child with you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But they have a choice in it. I would do just about anything to go back & have a choice to be around my son. But I don't have it & I never will. My midwife told me I may find myself angry at pregnant women or women with babies, but I don't. I'm just angry about those people who don't value their children like they should. My husband is a wonderful person & doesn't deserve to be treated as he has been. My kids are amazing & don't deserve it. I shouldn't have had to go buy Jules birthday gifts on their behalf & then wrap them up myself, using my own paper that left me not having enough to wrap our gift to him. I would do anything to be able to buy Joel a birthday gift & see him open it. Instead, the rest of my life, May 28th is going to be the saddest day I know. And believe it or not, at the end of the day, I'm a good person. Yes, I have bad qualities like we all do but I try to be a kind person. I don't deserve what I've received from these people. I don't deserve to be looked at as the person who made bad choices & killed her son. If I could go back in time & die instead of Joel so he'd have a chance to experience life, I would. I'd do it in a heartbeat. So I don't get why people can't just say "sorry for the problems we've had" or at least just stop being cruel & saying hurtful things. It could have been so simple, but now it's impossible for that to ever happen.

The only hope I have is those I love & who love me. If it weren't for them, I'd be loss in this crazy, fucked up world. I feel like I've at least tried to be a bigger person in these problems we've all had with one another, I never wanted to cause problems for anyone. I just wanted things to be alright. Losing Joel showed me that no matter how much you hope for things to be alright, you can't force it if it's too late. It was too late to save him, & it's too late to save even a civil relationship with these people. And I can honestly say that I really feel as though I did everything I could, but you can't make other people change no matter how much you want something. The only person you can change & control is yourself. Out of all the things in my life I blame myself for, this will not be one of them. Not ever.


  1. I wish I could fly over to you and just squeeze you and cry angry sad tears with you. I am infuriated on your behalf and even though I've said it and thought it a thousand times, I'm just so sorry.

  2. You're an amazing person Jess, I wish I had half your strength.

  3. I'm at a loss for words. You really are an amazing person.

  4. You know, I really don't mind that we got you a bigger, better ring. It is well-deserved.



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