Monday, July 13, 2009

Welcome to Epic Fail

Hello dear friends & loyal readers. You either know me, are stalking me, or happened upon this blog somehow. Either way, I hope you enjoy my words. Unless you're a creepy stalker, then I want you to go away.

In case you have no idea who I am (or need a reminder), I'm some girl who married some guy who has a college degree she doesn't use because she stays home to take care of children, the house & several pets. Most of which I refer to as an epic fail. Mainly because I think the phrase is funny, but it's kinda true most of the time. You'll see.

I've wrote for years, which I guess everyone can say if they went through like 1st grade in school. I'm still working on that dream of becoming famous for my funny words, but I don't think I'm funny enough for it to happen. Who knows though. My dream is to write a book one day...not really sure about what & really I don't even care to get paid I just want my name on amazon. I'm not holding my breath, but it wouldn't suck.

So in my life I have a cast of characters. First there is me, who collects animals & tries to make my world pretty. My friend Liz has a blog that follows her life of trying to make things pretty, too. She does a better job that I do most days, but I try. I try to clean my house, doesn't always work out too great though. I can only cook about 4 different meals, but thankfully my husband doesn't mind. And he's still waiting on me to sew a pair of his pants...I think I told him I'd do it in early 2007 before we were married. Wait, it may have been late 2006. Either way, he's been waiting a long time. Basically, I'm a housewife who sucks at it. But I try & I'm able to make fun of myself, so that's always good, right? But overall, I'm a failure at that in the eyes of people. If you don't believe me, ask my mother in law, I'm sure she'd LOVE to tell you. She may even have a power point for it by now. It's my goal though to have a pretty house with pretty decorations that remains clean for more than 7 minutes at any given time. We do plenty of fun home improvments ourselves, most of which are my ideas that end with me asking Adam in the middle of them, "WHY did you let me do this?!" Have you ever refinished wood floors? Something I don't reccomend in any house you live in or have to clean up. More on that in the future with plenty of pictures, I promise.

Oh, I like pictures. I'll share plenty of those at times, too.

I'm a mom. I've managed to keep my toddler alive, as well as various animals. My son, Jules, is cute, acts fabulous in public, but is evil at home. But he's a kid, what do you expect? I have a dog who runs circles because he has an anxiety disorder. He can go for hours & hours nonstop. I have 8 cats. I had 3, but then a knocked up stray showed up & not trusting strangers we only gave 1 of the 5 kittens away. I love animals, my parents never were ones to let me take in strays, but my husband is. Even now he's telling me I can have a hound dog (why I want one, I'll never know) & I have to tell him no, we can't take in another pet. As much as I want one, I think I'd move out if another critter moved in. Of course, we are feeding yet another stray cat my neighbor threw out of their house, which is how we ended up with the knocked up cat. And our dog. But more about them in the future, I'm sure.

I'm a meanie. I make very bad jokes. People would burn my house down if they knew some of the things we said around here. I use alot of bad language. I'm blunt. If you're offended by anything I say, too bad & you should just go away now. Save yourself the anger & outrage now. I will use this blog as a way to vent, be funny, & just write out my thoughts. Some things I hope my friends will be amused by, other things may be real downers but deal with it.

Speaking of downers, let me share one now. I'm the mom of another son, Joel. He died when I was 40 weeks pregnant just a couple months ago. When I think I'm done crying, I'm up till 5am crying some more. Of course when you plan for a baby for months, decorate a room & name him only to be told he's dead & you get to then go through 26 hours of labor only to leave out the back door of the OB department without a baby, I guess that's a normal reaction. We've been told no one knows why it happened, but tonight funny enough I found out it's my fault afterall. I'm a genetic fail, but more on that in another post.

So with this blog I will attempt to entertain myself, my friends (hopefully keep in contact with them, too), & just have a record of all the stupid things I do & the stupid people I encounter. And some good things, too, I'm sure. Maybe.

And for you myspace folks, you'll see blog post you've seen before because I plan on moving some of my favorite blogs here so in case Tom kills myspace I'll forever have chicken penis & my memories of hanging a TV on the wall. Oh, the joys I've expierenced.


  1. So Jessica..I think I classify as a stalker of yours, which didn't really occur to me until that second line of this blog. So thank you for making me feel like a freak, it's greatly appreciated. ;) But on another note, I can't wait to see chicken penis again. :)

  2. Silly Tara, you count as someone who knows me. But you can be a stalker, too!



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