Monday, July 20, 2009

Oh hi there, I'm bitter, how are you?

Oh, the might emotions I've felt the past several months. It's really been a roller coaster. And I doubt it will ever end. I try to pick myself up, only to be drug back down again. It's an annoying pattern that I can't seem to beat.

Saw my midwife on Friday. She went over the test results with me more & is going to get us in for a pre-conception meeting with a high risk OB specialist. I guess then we'll get a better idea of what we're dealing with.

She gave us the copy of the autopsy results. There was a form included of ordering further test of things if we signed & returned it...within two weeks. That was sent to the OB about 5 weeks ago, so the 2 weeks has passed. So that was an annoying bummer. Not saying we would have, but it would have been nice to have the option since, well, we were suppose to. Of course it did suck that it said the sample was of "products of conception." I'm so happy paperwork keeps telling me I didn't have a baby or even a son, instead just a "dead fetus" or "products of conception." I wish someone told us that before we got all sad all those weeks ago.

Anyway, have you ever seen an autopsy report? It's very simple, broken down into sections. Only a couple pages. Somehow an autopsy report words things better than anything as, as it list his name & that he is the "stillborn son of Jessica Culver." That was a nice change. But a couple things were odd. Under the section of physical apperance it was listed that Joel had "unusual facial features." Not sure if that could indicate something or if he thinks our genes make odd looking babies, but the midwife called & left a message for him to clarify that. Also going to be clarified is the statement on the kidneys. It listed that they ID'ed the pelvic kidney, but then it noted that a 2nd kidney couldn't be found at all. This is odd because he was suppose to have 1 really good, healthy one & then a smaller pelvic kidney. Some things listed as being decomposed & such, like a couple things the doctor couldn't ID perfectly or check for defects with, but it just said "2nd kidney could not be located." So we're trying to find out if there was a reason they couldn't find it or if they are suggesting it isn't there. Part of me is hoping it's option B, because that'll give me answers & tell me it wasn't my fault.

After this we go out to eat & end up eating at the bar since the resturant was so busy. After we sat down 3 people came & sat beside us including a pregnant woman. The guy working the bar made small talk about kids & the topic of hoping for a boy or girl came up, which then inspired a more than 5 minute convo between the 3 people about how it doesn't matter as long as it's not dead, has a brain, both legs, etc., along with jokes about babies being born with this or that wrong. As a woman who had a dead baby several weeks ago, that wasn't something I wanted to sit beside. Part of me wanted to jump in with, "Know what's worse than having a baby with 1 leg?!" but I refrained. Be proud of me.

I'm on birth control again now. Something I never thought I'd have to take again. No reason to be on it right now, but since the reversal is going to happen in a couple weeks I figured better now than later so we can hopefully control this somewhat. Don't want to be suprised this time around.

I have further proof my inlaws can never do anything right, that's it's been ruined forever. We'd talked in advance that I'd be pissed if his family responded to the news with "are you sure you should?" or something like that. The best response in my eyes would have been "whatever makes you happy." They needed to be middle of the road, not questioning. Of course they also couldn't be happy about it I found out. Adam mentioned to me after he told his mom that she seemed to get a little choked up at the news (or something along those lines, I forget the wording), which honestly made me want to go through the ceiling.

I know you're thinking, "but why? That's a good response!" but it's not. My first thought was "why wasn't Joel good enough for you to get choked up over when you found out we were expecting him?" In case you aren't aware or forget, we didn't talk to months because after finding out we were expecting Joel my inlaws reaction sucked, including comments like "well, it's a baby so I guess you have to be happy about that," & just overall avoiding the topic & when forced to talk about it the response was that we weren't like family to them so they weren't happy about it.

I'm pissed off that she thinks she has a right to be happy about it. Why not get choked up over that news the first time around? Why did Joel have to die before a happy reaction would come out of us having a baby? Not that I think they wanted anything bad to happen, but if they could have just been happy all those months ago it would have saved us all so much grief. And trust me, we've had enough for a lifetime now.

My head knows it's not a fair reaction, I'll fully admit that. But try to explain that to my heart, which has been hurt for years by these people. I feel bad for feeling this way, but at the same time I think now is the time in my life I'm allowed to feel any damn thing I want to feel, rational or not.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I wanted my son from the start. I still do & I always will. I wish they wanted him from the start, too. I wish we didn't have to hit rock bottom for a child to be appreciated, like I feel has happened.

Of course on top of all of that I wonder how Joel will effect the next pregnancy for the family. My family pretty much screams it from the roof tops as soon as they get a positive pregnancy test. But I know my inlaws think it's something that shouldn't be told until you're pass the "safe" point. I've never been one to do that & even now if I found out I was pregnant I'd tell the world as soon as I knew. That's just how I am. Plus, for me, when is the safe point? I was way past the "safe" point & look how that turned out. I know I can tell people myself, we have the ability to do that just like we told people as soon as we found out we were expecting Joel, but I don't want me telling people to be questioned, nor do I want to get any attitude from people because we tell the good news. I don't want to be the hidden pregnant woman & I don't want to have to explain that to people. And if something happens, maybe I'm weird for it, but I'd like people to know. I don't want it to be some secret. I don't want to deny the existance of a child, no matter how small they are. But my husbands family seems good at dealing with anything involving emotions by ignoring & hiding them like they never happened. I'm weird because I can't do that.

There are so many things I'd be fine with hearing from them to just help me move pass these bitter, angry feelings, but they aren't willing to say any. And I'm not willing to accept ignoring things. I hope they realize that, because if they don't that means they think that Joel dying is a chance to "start fresh" like they've wanted to do. Starting fresh is the way they say "just get over it & pretend it didn't happen." Not only do I think it's disrespectful to us, but to the memory of Joel. I refuse to let his death allow people a new chance without any changes. I'm not going to allow Joel's death to be some catalyst for Sunday get togethers. Don't get me wrong, I think that it should be a catalyst...a catalyst to make them look at things they've said & done, the things they've missed out on, & make them want to make changes. Even my mother has learned something & changed some of her ways since we've lost Joel. If my kooky mom can change, I really believe anyone can. But, like most things in life, it's a choice. You can want it for someone as much as you can, but if that person doens't want it, it's not going to happen. Vauge words aren't enough for me. They never have been, but this gives me more of a backbone. I'm not just sticking up for myself anymore, I sticking up for Joel. I was helpless to save him, but I'm not helpless in this.

Nothing like being sad in the middle of the night, let me tell you.

3 comments:

  1. Another person from BBC here. This is the first time I have spent this much time reading a blog. You are a very good writer. Just wanted to say that I understand your feelings of now wanting Joel to be forgotten. My mother wants to forget and also wants me to wait til I'm past the "safe point" like the point where I was still "safe"in my last pregnancy, not MY safe point, which is after the Dr says he/she's here and very healthy? I feel for you, I really do. My mother said horrible things, but she was not nearly the evil people you have had to deal with. She was my closest friend during my pregnancy though. I hurts anytime your family turns on you, especially when they are kicking you when you're down.

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  2. Another person from BBC here. This is the first time I have spent this much time reading a blog. You are a very good writer. Just wanted to say that I understand your feelings of now wanting Joel to be forgotten. My mother wants to forget and also wants me to wait til I'm past the "safe point" like the point where I was still "safe"in my last pregnancy, not MY safe point, which is after the Dr says he/she's here and very healthy? I feel for you, I really do. My mother said horrible things, but she was not nearly the evil people you have had to deal with. She was my closest friend during my pregnancy though. I hurts anytime your family turns on you, especially when they are kicking you when you're down.

    ReplyDelete

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